Korran Sha
Jedi Aspirant
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PERSONAL LOG // ENTRY 001
In the Absence of Light
LOCATION: TAUBER
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I have been away from Naboo for some time now. I had thought myself prepared for what lay beyond its borders, or at least prepared to learn. The histories I studied spoke often of war and the struggle between the Jedi and the Sith. I understood the words well enough. I am less certain I understood what they meant.
Thyferra was the first time I found myself so close to the consequences of that struggle. The destruction of the Alazhi fields, the attacks on the refineries, the lives lost in the fighting. All of it seemed so senseless when considered against what the planet had to offer the galaxy. Bacta exists to heal, yet it became another reason for people to suffer. I have struggled to make sense of that.
It was not until I reached Tauber that the weight of what had happened truly settled upon me. The refugees carried the war with them. Some had lost their homes, others their families, and many seemed too exhausted to do much more than wait for someone to tell them what would happen next. I could feel their fear and sorrow through the Force. There were so many of them that, at times, I found it difficult to separate their emotions from my own thoughts.
I had never experienced anything quite like it. I knew that suffering existed beyond Naboo. I was not so sheltered as to believe otherwise. But knowing something and having to stand in its presence are two very different things. I found myself searching for the quiet I usually turn to when my thoughts become unsettled. It was harder to find than I expected.
I did what I could to help. It hardly seemed enough, though I am not certain what I had expected of myself. There was no way for me to restore what had been lost or tell these people that everything would be well. I could carry supplies, follow instructions, and offer my time. Small things, perhaps, but they were things I could do without pretending to possess answers I did not have.
I keep thinking about the Jedi. The histories speak of them as guardians and peacekeepers, as a presence the galaxy could rely upon when darkness threatened. Yet the Sith continue to advance, and ordinary people are left to suffer the consequences. I wonder where those Jedi are now. Whether there are simply too few of them, whether the demands placed upon them have become too great, or whether the galaxy has changed in ways that even the Order has struggled to answer.
It is possible that I have misunderstood what I was taught. It is also possible that I expected too much from the stories I grew up reading. I do not know which possibility troubles me more.
I have also heard of the Force being silenced during the fighting on Thyferra. I was not there when it happened, and I cannot speak to what those caught within it experienced. Still, the thought has stayed with me. I have always understood the Force to be something greater than my ability to perceive it, but I wonder how readily I would adapt if that familiar connection were suddenly absent. Would I trust what I had learned? Would I hesitate? I would like to believe I would know what to do, but I have little experience to support that belief.
Perhaps I have been too comfortable with the idea that preparation will make me ready for whatever comes. There is only so much a person can learn from study alone. Some things cannot be understood until they happen, and even then, understanding does not necessarily follow.
I find myself more tired than I expected to be. Not physically, though there has been enough of that, but in a way I have difficulty describing. The suffering I felt on Tauber has lingered with me, even when I have tried to set it aside. I have been taught to exercise restraint, and I still believe there is value in it. But I am beginning to wonder whether I have mistaken composure for being unaffected. I do not wish to become indifferent to the things I cannot change.
For now, I think I must accept that I do not have the answers. I am an aspirant, and there is much I have yet to learn about the Force, the Jedi, and the galaxy beyond the world that raised me. I cannot say whether the Jedi will be enough to meet what lies ahead. I cannot say whether I will be.
I can only continue.
Jedi Aspirant
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
PERSONAL LOG // ENTRY 001
In the Absence of Light
LOCATION: TAUBER
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
I have been away from Naboo for some time now. I had thought myself prepared for what lay beyond its borders, or at least prepared to learn. The histories I studied spoke often of war and the struggle between the Jedi and the Sith. I understood the words well enough. I am less certain I understood what they meant.
Thyferra was the first time I found myself so close to the consequences of that struggle. The destruction of the Alazhi fields, the attacks on the refineries, the lives lost in the fighting. All of it seemed so senseless when considered against what the planet had to offer the galaxy. Bacta exists to heal, yet it became another reason for people to suffer. I have struggled to make sense of that.
It was not until I reached Tauber that the weight of what had happened truly settled upon me. The refugees carried the war with them. Some had lost their homes, others their families, and many seemed too exhausted to do much more than wait for someone to tell them what would happen next. I could feel their fear and sorrow through the Force. There were so many of them that, at times, I found it difficult to separate their emotions from my own thoughts.
I had never experienced anything quite like it. I knew that suffering existed beyond Naboo. I was not so sheltered as to believe otherwise. But knowing something and having to stand in its presence are two very different things. I found myself searching for the quiet I usually turn to when my thoughts become unsettled. It was harder to find than I expected.
I did what I could to help. It hardly seemed enough, though I am not certain what I had expected of myself. There was no way for me to restore what had been lost or tell these people that everything would be well. I could carry supplies, follow instructions, and offer my time. Small things, perhaps, but they were things I could do without pretending to possess answers I did not have.
I keep thinking about the Jedi. The histories speak of them as guardians and peacekeepers, as a presence the galaxy could rely upon when darkness threatened. Yet the Sith continue to advance, and ordinary people are left to suffer the consequences. I wonder where those Jedi are now. Whether there are simply too few of them, whether the demands placed upon them have become too great, or whether the galaxy has changed in ways that even the Order has struggled to answer.
It is possible that I have misunderstood what I was taught. It is also possible that I expected too much from the stories I grew up reading. I do not know which possibility troubles me more.
I have also heard of the Force being silenced during the fighting on Thyferra. I was not there when it happened, and I cannot speak to what those caught within it experienced. Still, the thought has stayed with me. I have always understood the Force to be something greater than my ability to perceive it, but I wonder how readily I would adapt if that familiar connection were suddenly absent. Would I trust what I had learned? Would I hesitate? I would like to believe I would know what to do, but I have little experience to support that belief.
Perhaps I have been too comfortable with the idea that preparation will make me ready for whatever comes. There is only so much a person can learn from study alone. Some things cannot be understood until they happen, and even then, understanding does not necessarily follow.
I find myself more tired than I expected to be. Not physically, though there has been enough of that, but in a way I have difficulty describing. The suffering I felt on Tauber has lingered with me, even when I have tried to set it aside. I have been taught to exercise restraint, and I still believe there is value in it. But I am beginning to wonder whether I have mistaken composure for being unaffected. I do not wish to become indifferent to the things I cannot change.
For now, I think I must accept that I do not have the answers. I am an aspirant, and there is much I have yet to learn about the Force, the Jedi, and the galaxy beyond the world that raised me. I cannot say whether the Jedi will be enough to meet what lies ahead. I cannot say whether I will be.
I can only continue.
There are people who need help, and I am here.
That will have to be enough for now.
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ARCHIVE STATUS: PERSONAL // END OF ENTRY
That will have to be enough for now.
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ARCHIVE STATUS: PERSONAL // END OF ENTRY
