https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q
This is not a song showcase. Today was a really awful day for me and I felt the need to write this. Sharing this to a public space maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, but I'm doing it anyway.
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Those are the opening lyrics to the song Linkin Park - Heavy, which sparked quite a debate on the band 'selling out', the song being too 'poppy', et cetera. The song in question struck a chord with me, however. It's like the writer of the lyrics took a look into my mind and wrote down what he saw in song lyrics, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks that. The song isn't in my preferred genre, it's not a masterpiece from a producing standpoint, yet it managed to hit me harder than almost every other song I've ever listened to.
My father is a narcissist. He's a self-centered and toxic person and I do everything to make sure I never become like that. Yet, I see myself doing the same things as him and I hate myself everytime I do. It created this slingshot effect where instead of thinking I'm better than everyone, my mind decided that I'm absolutely worthless. I always think people would rather be around others rather than me, that I'm a terrible friend, that I'm really just as much of an awful person as my father. Somehow I keep letting those thoughts creep in and bring me down. Everything I see and process is immediately held against my own actions. Was it my fault in any way? Was I to blame?
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
I've slowly started telling myself the fact I had no friends in high school and was the butt of all jokes was my fault. The fact I don't talk to a good amount of people I used to be good friends with anymore is my fault. Somehow I can always bring every situation back to a single sentence: "It's my fault." I'm always involved in some way even though my rationale says it's complete bullpoodoo. I can't help it. It happens everytime.
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
And so my mind just drags along all these feelings of blame and self-loathing. No matter what I do it just comes back whenever I start feeling good about myself again. My accomplishments are overshadowed by my mistakes. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Other people did it better anyway, there's no need to be proud of myself.
Today those feelings brought me to another low point, and perhaps it was the reason I started listening to the song. It's so hard trying to overcome something that's deep inside your brain and at this point I don't even know if it's possible. Perhaps I'm doomed to feel like this forever, but the least I can do is keep trying. It's all I can do.
EDIT: One day later
It's crazy what a night's sleep can do. I re-read this and the post seems so... hopeless. Like there was almost no chance of getting out of this. But somewhere there's this stubborn bit that keeps telling to stop letting my mind get the best of me. Being alone in your thoughts can create some nasty thoughts, and a lot of them came out in full force yesterday. I'm brought back to the lyrics once again.
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
It's so easy to just keep on piling up your mistakes and carry them on your back, but I need to learn to let them slip off. I need to unburden myself from all those thoughts somehow and although I have no idea where to start, there's hope. Oddly enough, despite everything, there is a way up. I'll make it somehow. Maybe it'll take years to do so, but I'll make it. That's a promise to everyone who reads this.
This is not a song showcase. Today was a really awful day for me and I felt the need to write this. Sharing this to a public space maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, but I'm doing it anyway.
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Those are the opening lyrics to the song Linkin Park - Heavy, which sparked quite a debate on the band 'selling out', the song being too 'poppy', et cetera. The song in question struck a chord with me, however. It's like the writer of the lyrics took a look into my mind and wrote down what he saw in song lyrics, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks that. The song isn't in my preferred genre, it's not a masterpiece from a producing standpoint, yet it managed to hit me harder than almost every other song I've ever listened to.
My father is a narcissist. He's a self-centered and toxic person and I do everything to make sure I never become like that. Yet, I see myself doing the same things as him and I hate myself everytime I do. It created this slingshot effect where instead of thinking I'm better than everyone, my mind decided that I'm absolutely worthless. I always think people would rather be around others rather than me, that I'm a terrible friend, that I'm really just as much of an awful person as my father. Somehow I keep letting those thoughts creep in and bring me down. Everything I see and process is immediately held against my own actions. Was it my fault in any way? Was I to blame?
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
I've slowly started telling myself the fact I had no friends in high school and was the butt of all jokes was my fault. The fact I don't talk to a good amount of people I used to be good friends with anymore is my fault. Somehow I can always bring every situation back to a single sentence: "It's my fault." I'm always involved in some way even though my rationale says it's complete bullpoodoo. I can't help it. It happens everytime.
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
And so my mind just drags along all these feelings of blame and self-loathing. No matter what I do it just comes back whenever I start feeling good about myself again. My accomplishments are overshadowed by my mistakes. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Other people did it better anyway, there's no need to be proud of myself.
Today those feelings brought me to another low point, and perhaps it was the reason I started listening to the song. It's so hard trying to overcome something that's deep inside your brain and at this point I don't even know if it's possible. Perhaps I'm doomed to feel like this forever, but the least I can do is keep trying. It's all I can do.
EDIT: One day later
It's crazy what a night's sleep can do. I re-read this and the post seems so... hopeless. Like there was almost no chance of getting out of this. But somewhere there's this stubborn bit that keeps telling to stop letting my mind get the best of me. Being alone in your thoughts can create some nasty thoughts, and a lot of them came out in full force yesterday. I'm brought back to the lyrics once again.
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
It's so easy to just keep on piling up your mistakes and carry them on your back, but I need to learn to let them slip off. I need to unburden myself from all those thoughts somehow and although I have no idea where to start, there's hope. Oddly enough, despite everything, there is a way up. I'll make it somehow. Maybe it'll take years to do so, but I'll make it. That's a promise to everyone who reads this.
