Sometimes people just have really bad days. You wake up, you feel like you're dying. All you want in the world is a drink.
For me, that's been my week.
If I haven't seemed like myself lately, that's mostly because I haven't been myself lately. I can't say -why- I've been like this. Depressed, anxious, jittery. Sometimes something happens to put me into a depression. Sometimes there is no reason for it at all. In this case, it's the latter. Except for a few issues with fair weather friends, life's been alright. I don't really have a good excuse for why I feel so terrible.
I think that feels worse than having a legitimate reason for being sad. At least if I had a reason, I would have something to work with. Right now, it just feels like I'm trying to fight something completely invisible. It's exhausting. It keeps me awake at night, with my heart aching. Feels like heartbreak all the time, feels like losing someone you love, but you can't for the life of you remember who or what it is that broke your heart and left.
Leaves me feeling a bit hallow. Every breath feels so forced. Eating makes me feel sick. Sleeping is a constant struggle. I average about 2, maybe 3 hours a night this week. The only dream I can even remember having was one where literally everybody forgot about me.
I don't think I can stress enough how weird this is for me. On a normal day, I am a total social butterfly. I'm an extrovert. So for me to be so withdrawn and quiet now, well, everyone at work has noticed. It's hard to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. I've gotten away with just saying that I'm tired. I say that I didn't have my coffee. I make a joke about it. People laugh and go back to their business. But when it's every single day? I can tell my excuses aren't really flying anymore.
I don't want to worry people. It's okay. This doesn't happen often, but it has happened. It's not that unusual. I just need to pick myself up, smile some more, laugh and just get over it. Might take some time though.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, for now, just bear with me. If you write with me, don't expect me to reply as fast as I usually do. I'm working through this.
I'll be back to my old self before you know it!