The last time I kept a journal was during my pregnancy.
Emotional ... hormonal distress. My Master thought it'd be a good idea to write it all down since I didn't have any other way of dealing with it. Had a lot going on in my head at the time that didn't have a good place to go. There was death, and pain, and anger, and guilt. Anguish, confusion. Not exactly a list of the ideal Jedi Padawan. Not exactly things you talked about to other Jedi, even on Corellia.
I had thoughts that I wish I could remember. You know, sometimes you come across something so ...enlightening when you're awake at 3am. Ideas that somehow made things better. Like this one, about my parents and our old house. I can barely remember it anymore, but for one night I had perfect clarity, like in a dream. I'd written it all down, I know I had, because that memory made me happy. Brought me a bit of peace and I never wanted to lose it.
But I did.
I lost that journal back on Coruscant the day I gave birth to my daughter. Bit ironic, I suppose, that it began and ended with her. Afterwards I might not really have needed it anymore, but I recall sleepless nights with McPuff crying in her crib, wishing I had it to read to her. Guess it was for the better. Didn't need the kid starting on my own bad internal dialogue, her beginnings would be hard enough without any further help from me.
I'd gained an Archivist instead. While not quite the same thing, at least he was someone I could talk to about anything. Not that he always had something to say in return, but he listened really well. Really listened. That's a rare thing now I guess, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I hadn't returned the favor, but right now it doesn't matter anymore, because I lost him too.
Hal went missing two weeks ago, still no sign or word from him. I'm starting to panic, I'm starting to worry, getting back all those dark thoughts from before and I don't know what to do with them.
Grandmaster M'ti suggested a journal, so here we are again.
I've sent word to the Masters of the Academy, I don't know what else to do.
Emotional ... hormonal distress. My Master thought it'd be a good idea to write it all down since I didn't have any other way of dealing with it. Had a lot going on in my head at the time that didn't have a good place to go. There was death, and pain, and anger, and guilt. Anguish, confusion. Not exactly a list of the ideal Jedi Padawan. Not exactly things you talked about to other Jedi, even on Corellia.
I had thoughts that I wish I could remember. You know, sometimes you come across something so ...enlightening when you're awake at 3am. Ideas that somehow made things better. Like this one, about my parents and our old house. I can barely remember it anymore, but for one night I had perfect clarity, like in a dream. I'd written it all down, I know I had, because that memory made me happy. Brought me a bit of peace and I never wanted to lose it.
But I did.
I lost that journal back on Coruscant the day I gave birth to my daughter. Bit ironic, I suppose, that it began and ended with her. Afterwards I might not really have needed it anymore, but I recall sleepless nights with McPuff crying in her crib, wishing I had it to read to her. Guess it was for the better. Didn't need the kid starting on my own bad internal dialogue, her beginnings would be hard enough without any further help from me.
I'd gained an Archivist instead. While not quite the same thing, at least he was someone I could talk to about anything. Not that he always had something to say in return, but he listened really well. Really listened. That's a rare thing now I guess, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I hadn't returned the favor, but right now it doesn't matter anymore, because I lost him too.
Hal went missing two weeks ago, still no sign or word from him. I'm starting to panic, I'm starting to worry, getting back all those dark thoughts from before and I don't know what to do with them.
Grandmaster M'ti suggested a journal, so here we are again.
I've sent word to the Masters of the Academy, I don't know what else to do.
