Salis looked out the window at troops training. She had been pondering an issue for months now, but still wasn't sure what the conclusion was. She had noticed things. Little variations. On their own they might have been ignored, but there was so many of them. Lapses of certainty where it didn't make sense. Feelings of pain when she was uninjured and hadn't lost anything. A lack of the joy when in certain fights.
One of her phrik blades rose from its sheath to hover slowly turning before her eyes, the light reflecting off its surfaces. She looked at the paper in front of her. She'd told Zepher about this. He was one of very few she trusted with information like this. And the words of his conclusion, 'I am under the belief that you have begun to develop a Conscience and the emotions that would normally have been gained during childhood.'
She let out a sigh, sitting down. She was fairly certain he was right. She was never normal. She enjoyed violence even as a child and was very good at it, her parents feared that, she simply thought it was useful. Yet so many emotions had to be brought to the surface intentionally. Anger was a rare one at first, irritation sure, but not anger. And she found that it began to become more common nowadays. More times it had to be controlled. Jealousy, that was still a rarity. She hadn't felt it in awhile, but she knew she had before. Love, she had that. But it was rare. She knew she loved her parents. But after that, there wasn't anyone until Mike. And then her children. At least she believed that was love.
Then there was fear. She never really felt that as a child. Nothing really scared her, not even when she grew up in the Jen'ari empire. It was just such a lost feeling. Until she felt it for losing Mike. And then again for losing her children.
Joy though, she'd always had that. Excitement was a common emotion. And now she realized that the thing which hindered excitement, was guilt. That's what Zepher told her that pain was. What the reason was that she wasn't feeling the same fun when fighting. Because she felt that what she was doing was wrong. The woman grabbed the blade from the air and ran a finger along its broadside. "How did this happen." she asked herself quietly, "I didn't change anything. I've done what I always did, whatever I wanted for me. And always expected others to do the same for them."
She headed for the door letting the blade return to its place, "Time will tell what this means."
One of her phrik blades rose from its sheath to hover slowly turning before her eyes, the light reflecting off its surfaces. She looked at the paper in front of her. She'd told Zepher about this. He was one of very few she trusted with information like this. And the words of his conclusion, 'I am under the belief that you have begun to develop a Conscience and the emotions that would normally have been gained during childhood.'
She let out a sigh, sitting down. She was fairly certain he was right. She was never normal. She enjoyed violence even as a child and was very good at it, her parents feared that, she simply thought it was useful. Yet so many emotions had to be brought to the surface intentionally. Anger was a rare one at first, irritation sure, but not anger. And she found that it began to become more common nowadays. More times it had to be controlled. Jealousy, that was still a rarity. She hadn't felt it in awhile, but she knew she had before. Love, she had that. But it was rare. She knew she loved her parents. But after that, there wasn't anyone until Mike. And then her children. At least she believed that was love.
Then there was fear. She never really felt that as a child. Nothing really scared her, not even when she grew up in the Jen'ari empire. It was just such a lost feeling. Until she felt it for losing Mike. And then again for losing her children.
Joy though, she'd always had that. Excitement was a common emotion. And now she realized that the thing which hindered excitement, was guilt. That's what Zepher told her that pain was. What the reason was that she wasn't feeling the same fun when fighting. Because she felt that what she was doing was wrong. The woman grabbed the blade from the air and ran a finger along its broadside. "How did this happen." she asked herself quietly, "I didn't change anything. I've done what I always did, whatever I wanted for me. And always expected others to do the same for them."
She headed for the door letting the blade return to its place, "Time will tell what this means."
