Lately I've been thinking about vanity.
Not the obvious kind. Not standing in front of a mirror admiring yourself. Not bragging or showing off.
I'm talking about the quieter form of vanity, the obsessive concern with how other people see you. The constant second-guessing. The endless replaying of conversations. The need to explain yourself. The urge to manage your public image. The fear that someone might misunderstand you.
For years, I thought this was humility. I thought worrying about what other people thought of me meant I was being considerate, self-aware, or kind.
But the more I examine it, the more I realize it isn't humility at all.
It's pride.
Pride doesn't always say, "Look how great I am." Sometimes pride says, "Please tell me I'm okay." Sometimes pride says, "What does everyone think of me?"
Sometimes pride spends hours obsessing over a comment, a disagreement, or a rumor because it cannot bear the possibility of being viewed negatively.
The focus is still the same.
Self.
Me.
My image.
My reputation.
My standing in the eyes of others.
I've spent so much time performing facework by trying to maintain a particular version of myself in public. Trying to correct misunderstandings. Trying to make sure people saw me as kind enough, smart enough, talented enough, reasonable enough.
It never works, because image management is a game you cannot win.
Every person sees a different version of you. Every conversation creates a different impression. Every observer filters your words through their own experiences, biases, and emotions.
No amount of explaining can control that. No amount of people-pleasing can guarantee approval. No amount of self-editing can force others to understand you.
At some point, you have to let go.
Not because other people don't matter, but because their opinions cannot become the center of your life.
The truth is that most people are too busy thinking about themselves to spend nearly as much time thinking about us as we imagine, and those who do judge us will continue to do so regardless of how carefully we manage our image.
The freedom comes when we stop asking, "How will this make me look" and start asking, "what do I actually want?"
What do I enjoy? What makes me laugh? What creates excitement in my life? What brings me closer to the people who genuinely care about me?
For me, that answer is roleplay.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped focusing on the hobby itself and started focusing on how I was perceived within the hobby. I worried about reputation. I worried about opinions. I worried about whether people approved of me, understood me, or saw me the way I wanted to be seen.
Roleplay isn't supposed to be a branding exercise. It's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be creativity. It's supposed to be telling stories, creating characters, making friends, and enjoying a hobby that brings joy.
The more I chase approval, the less joy I find. The more I manage my image, the less authentic I become. The more I focus on what everyone else thinks, the less attention I give to the things I actually love.
Maybe the answer isn't to create a better public image. Maybe the answer is to stop treating myself like a public relations project. Maybe I don't need another explanation, another defense, another attempt to convince people who have already made up their minds.
Maybe I just need to sit down, write a story, and have fun.
Life is too short to spend it trapped in the prison of other people's opinions. The world is bigger than my reputation. My hobby is bigger than my insecurities, and joy is found far more often in creation than in self-promotion.
So I'm trying something new.
Less image management, less people-pleasing, and less obsession over what everyone thinks.
More stories.
More creativity.
More fun.
This is the month we think about pride, and the timing is ironic to me as I've been thinking about pride a lot over the last few days. There is some pride that is good and some that can be your downfall. I've been focusing on the wrong kind.
I need to take pride in myself, and pride in the hobby I love to do. My world needs a little less vanity disguised as humility, and a lot more of the stories I love.
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