Holonet The Traumsen Hour: Commentators Slacking at the Galactic Kaggath

[Trinn Traumsen]

The Traumsen Hour returns, and once again it permeates like malware across the galaxy, to a device near you.

"Hello Galaxiens, I am Trinn Traumsen with THC, and this is the Traumsen Hour."

A statement delivered with that classic, fake smile masking the stress of a relentless media ego.

"Today's top story: the Galactic Kaggath is underway in what has become a spectacle of blood, betting, and partying as fighters duel to the death on Ruusan. However, one thing has been missing, according to this reporter's expert opinion. Where the $^@$ are the @!%&ing commentators!?" Her foul language, of course, had been censored.

"This is gold, people, gold! Your voice matters, but all I see are galactic leaders and so-called experts swiveling in their chairs and letting the audience do the talking for them! Except for the wonderfully insightful Ashin Cardé Varanin , who has skillfully directed the conversation so far."

A clip of her commentary is played next.

"Have you noticed," she said, "that the pyrotechnics are not about power so much as about...genre? I look at these fights and the scope and flamboyance of them varies so widely, not just between matches but between combatants. This event has something suitable for every taste. Some of it's even to mine. One area where I think some of our fighters have a great deal to learn is how heavily they're overcommitting — sinking everything they have into what they feel a Sith Lord or a...galactic-kaggath-scale combatant should be able to do. It's leaving them open, it's draining them, and you can start to see good sense win out. Not restraint, necessarily, but efficient use of violence rather than overconfident, self-indulgent camera play.

"And it's not always on the side with the most experience. Personally, I'm appreciating Gida Luroon's creative use of the shifting environment against significant odds, while wounded.

"I'll turn the question to the table. Is there anyone doing work today that impresses you — within the scope of their capabilities, of course? Who stands out?"

The camera returns to Trinn with a grin turned sad and sour. "In other news, the ecological disaster on Manaan continues to spiral out of control. Local authorities cite a lack of volunteers and critical aid to curtail the 180,000kg of spice rapidly dissolving in the sea..."

 

[Jobbi Chantin]

[ hololink forwarded to Xuko Pagoi ]

>>See! Here's proof my dad could beat up your dad!<<

The blade was still inside him.

Burning, biting, digging deeper with every servomotor-assisted thrust of Lirka’s arm. The fat sizzled. A lung collapsed. Blood filled the wound and steamed around the blade.

>>... Oh...<<

...

[SleemetteTheGreat disconnected]

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"In other news, the ecological disaster on Manaan continues to spiral out of control. Local authorities cite a lack of volunteers and critical aid to curtail the 180,000kg of spice rapidly dissolving in the sea..."

Ashin, taking a refreshing ocean skinny-dip on Manaan to test drive her newest body, could not be reached for comment.

 

[Darth Kentarch]

Somewhere in Jutrand on the HNSZ set...

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY PUBLICIST, AND I WANT TO TALK TO EMPYRE MAGAZINE PR AGENT!" Kentarch shouted on the Holonet SportZone set. "AND WHO THE HELL IS Trinn Traumsen !"

The interns rushed about as Kentarch raged, while the producers and director scrambled to calm the Sith Lord down. Kentarch was currently fuming because, just moments ago, he had walked into the media control room and caught an airing of The Traumsen Hour, where Trinn was openly criticizing his recent lackluster performance, or rather lack of it.

Hallexa Vree, the Chiss producer, stood her ground with arms crossed. "Well, you didn't even bother going to Ruusan. No, you sent a holodroid that mimics you, based on your actions here at the studio. Do you have any idea how low your poll numbers are right now? Hmm?"

"Your coffee, sir." An intern said.

Kentarch swatted the coffee to the ground. "Do I look like some hipster idiot with an overinflated opinion of himself!? HUH!? I asked for an orange soda with light ice!"

Hellexa sighed. "What are you even going to say to Empyre magazine, hmm?"

"I'll tell you what I'm going to say. There is no reason why I should not be, after ten years, in the top ten cape wearers in the galaxy. How do I still get beaten by Lando Calrissian?"

Hellexa shook her head in comic disbelief.

"You tell them they are not to run any articles by this Trinn Traimsen, nice double-initials too. Who is T.T. anyways? There's a name that rolls off the tongue like a lightsaber rolling off a balcony. She is either gonna save the galaxy tonight or sue it."

Hellexa took a moment to take a long exhale. Just before another intern arrived.

"Uh, sir... Your publicist has arrived."

"Good, tell him he is fired. And get out of my face."

"So you're going to have to do the sponsor and headlines still. Can you manage that?" Hellexa asked.

Kentarch rocked his blackened visage back and forth. "Ah, yes, HNSZ and the proud sponsor of tonight's event, McYoda's. When Sith duel to the death, only one sponsor dares to ask: Would you like fries with that destiny? But first, tonight's headline news. Ewok Tossing League fined by Galactic Alliance Ethics Board, league commissioner unavailable for comment."

Hellexa smiled. "You're on in 5."

 

[Delila Castillon]

Ashin, taking a refreshing ocean skinny-dip on Manaan to test drive her newest body, could not be reached for comment

Appearing on the beach, Delila shook her head. Not at the skinny-dipping. No, that was oddly on brand that Ashin Cardé Varanin would continue to do so. How did the woman know? Was she spied on throughout the years? Or was skinny dipping more common than first suspected? Something about the thrill of just you and the water.

Either way, the ghostly form called out.

"Sunscreen! You need sunscreen! My body is going to end up freckling and burning." A small pause. "What the hell is wrong with you? Cant you see how pale everything is?"

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"Sunscreen! You need sunscreen! My body is going to end up freckling and burning." A small pause. "What the hell is wrong with you? Cant you see how pale everything is?"

There came a startled, burbling, flounderingly oceanic noise that bore — to the informed observer — a more than casual resemblance to the ancient Sith ritual idiom khodfukhindammyt.

Mistakes had been made.

 

[Delila Castillon]

There came a startled, burbling, flounderingly oceanic noise that bore — to the informed observer — a more than casual resemblance to the ancient Sith ritual idiom khodfukhindammyt.

Mistakes had been made.

Floating effortlessly off the beach - cause hey, ghost - Delila's sparkly little transparent form hovered over the ocean waves now. It was easy to spot her old body, her pale buttcheeks all but a buoy in the brilliant jewel of an ocean. A deep sigh (can ghosts sigh?) as the burbling occurred. Annoyance was also setting in.

"Stop breathing in sea water." A pause. " Don't pretend you can't hear me."

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"Stop breathing in sea water." A pause. " Don't pretend you can't hear me."

Begrudgingly, with a fury that had unmade small stars, Ashin surfaced to the level of her chin and no farther.

"I would be remiss to not take into account the expertise of the previous owner. Very well, Castillon. I accept your dermatological wisdom. I am due back on Ruusan to carry the second round. Sunburn would be undignified."

 

[Fenn Stag]

Fenn Stag was attempted to be reached for comment following his duel with the Jedi, Balun Dashiell .

Our Reporter was given a wedgie, a noogie, and left hanging by his belt in a coat room near the arena.

 

[Xuko Pagoi]

[ hololink forwarded to Xuko Pagoi ]

>>See! Here's proof my dad could beat up your dad!<<

>... Oh...<<

...

[SleemetteTheGreat disconnected]

A short while later, a knock sounded on Jobbi Chantin and Klar 's door. It was Xuko, frowning and brandishing his tablet.

"I require your assistance" he said, gesturing towards the datapad. "I do not know how to access the electronic content you sent me."

He glanced up at the Huttlet. "Then I shall be able to better judge the fighting proficiency of our respective fathers."

 

[Jobbi Chantin]

A short while later, a knock sounded on Jobbi Chantin and Klar 's door. It was Xuko, frowning and brandishing his tablet.

"I require your assistance" he said, gesturing towards the datapad. "I do not know how to access the electronic content you sent me."

He glanced up at the Huttlet. "Then I shall be able to better judge the fighting proficiency of our respective fathers."

Jobbi had been watching from her dataslate hiding under her covers.

When Xuko Pagoi knocked she rolled excitedly, rumbling the entire dorm room's floor upon landing from the lofted hutt-sized bed.

She answered, heard what the Iridonian said about requiring resistance and without hesitation pulled him into the dorm room ( hoping that it didn't bother Klar )

"He won! It's still live, I'll put it on the big holoprojector!"

With a few swipes and taps on the dataslate, the room filled with the post-match interviews currently in progress.

"You endured truly catastrophic injuries in your fight against Lirka. What kept you fighting when you had every reason to surrender or collapse?"

He leaned in. The lens adjusted as his scarred face filled the frame. A bubbling sound. The metal jaw whined as it moved. Thick, red-tinged mist poured from between ruined cheeks and scar tissue as he spoke.

"Nopa nee choo yetta"

"Your opponent pushed you to the brink. How did you adapt mid-fight to turn the tables despite the odds?"

A few agonizing syllables in basic croaked out:

"Break-ing... every-thing."

"The Kaggath draws fighters from across the galaxy. After facing someone like Lirka, has your perspective on the kinds of threats in this bracket evolved?"

The Hutt tilted his head. His one eye narrowed. Disappointment tinged his posture.
"Cheekta doth da pawa grancha. Da odda mikiyuna gootu-poodoo. Morta. Nopa lik cheekta."

"With injuries this severe, how do you plan to recover and prepare for the next round? What do you expect from your opponent, who's still in this tournament through luck alone?"

He gestured to his body.
The scars.
The self-implant.
The burns still healing.
And then,

"Uba yafulkee Jee-jee poodoo-chobasa an pushee threen bokkanawaga een andoba ronda? Jee-jee banag."

She poured a bag of live molluscs into a bowl for snacks and stuck them in the mini-heater, hoping the popping wouldn't be too disruptive to hear the commentary.

No way... Was her father secretly cool this whole time???

But... He looked hurt – inside and out. Jobbi had a conflicting feelings seeing her sole biological parent in such a state.

 

[Siara Kai]

The blue glow of the holoscreen flickered off the side of her cheekbone as Sierra lounged with one knee hitched over the other, boots propped on the durasteel crate she wasn't technically supposed to be sitting on.

The Traumsen Hour blared across the cantina's far wall and commentators were already spiraling off topic, someone in the back booing when their favorite got ejected by a blaster bolt to the knee.

Sierra snorted, tossing a glinting chit onto the sabacc table-turned-betting-station beside her.

"Put me down for two hundred on the one with the burn scars and a bad attitude. If he doesn't bite someone by the end of round five, I'll eat my own encryption key."

A droid shuffled past with a tray of fizzy bruuk and fried nuna legs. She plucked a drink without asking, eyes never leaving the screen as flaming bits of tree debris splattered through the frame behind a screaming commentator.

"Feth, this show's a disaster," she muttered with a crooked grin, sipping slow. "I love it."

 

[Klar]

Klar looked up from her bed, watching the Kaggath on a screen that wasn't hid under Jobbi's bed. Cradling a bowl of air-fried molluscs in two arms atop her folded legs, she gave Xuko a mildly bewildered wave as he came in talk to Jobbi. She'd help with the tech stuff, but her hand was full of buttery snack. And, to be honest, she didn't really have a pod in this race. Anyone could, and probably should beat up her dad.

She was glad Jobbi Chantin 's was alive, though. Her mouth full, Klar offered Xuko the bowl.


Xuko Pagoi

 

[Xuko Pagoi]

The large screen in the room was filled with images of a severely-injured Hutt in damaged battle armor giving what appeared to be a post-combat interview. If that was the winner, Xuko had one guess as to what had happened to the loser.

Apparently, there was more to this 'my dad can beat up your dad' than Xuko had originally thought.

Xuko glanced around the room, taking in the spinning microwave, the pile of discarded mollusk shells, Klar 's greeting + proffered snack bowl, and the fact that whatever network this was on seemed to be one of the bigger channels since he thought he recognized the logo at the bottom of the screen.

"I now require context" he said, nodding his thanks to Jobbi Chantin for helping with his tech issue but still woefully in the dark as to what the Galactic Kaggath was.

"What exactly is going on, here?"

 

[Reina Daival]

"A bunch of grown people fighting near to the death, for the sake of fame, glory, fame, riches and did I say fame?"

Reina mumbled, answering Xuko Pagoi 's question as she already made her way into the dorm room, holding two rather quite fishy smelling platters in each of her hands as she turned her attention towards the screen, a scowl evident on her face. Even with all that damage Whomuttz had, it still didn't make up for the fact that one of the Hutt's men was the reason Reina had lost her leg. At the very least however, it was also more confirmation to her that revenge was pointless. She'd never be satisfied. So she shouldn't go out looking for it. Especially since Reina wanted to make sure Jobbi Chantin felt comfortable here

"Kaggaths are meant to be some...Sith thing. Considering there's two Jedi in that though, I think they aren't...following the exact meaning behind it. I did a bit of...reading on it."

She sent a quick glance over towards Klar , giving the Codru-Ju a shy smile. Reina had been pushing herself to try and read more by herself, even if it was a bit of a struggle.

"Oh. I brought snacks by the way."

With that, Reina put the two platters down, lifting up the little silver lid to let the others see the array of different fish. Some with their heads, some without, fishsticks, fishcakes, and even a few fish sandwiches. You could say Reina's cooking skills were quite...fishy.

 

[Jobbi Chantin]

Jobbi rushed back from the holoscreen, eager to tell the other Padawans the news as if they hadn't been watching directly beside (or in the less slimy vicinity) of her.

"Soooo… good news, bad news. GOOD news: My dad did NOT die, he won the first round against Lur-kakah or someone.
BAD news: Someone tried to orbital ion cannon him??!
GOOD news: He was saved by a giant wall of meat!??!
BAD news: The tournament turned into a horror show and then dadrage-jetpacked outta there before finishing the duel??
And then this creepy guy in a hat said it was “Act One” like it was a play??!
And then everyone started fighting in the bleachers???"

Her tone provided no insight as to whether she was asking if saw was real, or if the others saw it to, or just ended her sentences with an upwards inflection out of excitement.

Jobbi scooted back from the holoscreen, holding her half-eaten fishstick like a weapon as if it might somehow protect her from what she’d just watched. Her tail twitched behind her, nervous.

"Okay but like… technically my dad won, right? Because if someone has to shoot you from SPACE, that means you’re scarier than them, which means you win? That counts, right?"

She glanced to Klar.
"Like. In a spiritual way?"

Then to Xuko.
"Oh yeah, right, context: A Kaggath is when bad people fight with honor until one of them cheats by calling in a space laser and then a meat wizard saves the day and everyone leaves traumatized. But like, politely formal or something. It's like a sith thing, they aired an infomercial on it at halftime after the kyber crunch ad."

She recalled the kyber crunch ad and salivated. The darkside dippers seemed dangerously tempting.

She blinked. Slowly.
"...Also my dad’s jetpack was REALLY cool. Like I think I want one now."

Reina Daival Xuko Pagoi Klar

 

[Xuko Pagoi]

Xuko was having a difficult time understanding the scenes playing out on the small holoscreen in front of him as he, Jobbi, Reina, and Klar watched the Kaggath. Making the experience all the more confusing was the fact that, for some reason, Xuko's datapad was displaying captions from an adjacent-running Holonet soap opera over the top of the violence.

"It is the most difficult decision I have ever made, my dear. I'm so sorry." The camera drone zoomed in on Whottoomuzz's face. Xuko blinked in surprise; Jobbi Chantin had not told him about this family drama. Absentmindedly, he reached for an air-fried mollusk from Klar 's bowl and popped it into his mouth.

"But you said you would never leave me! What will I ever do without you?" Now the camera showed Antar, and Xuko frowned. Jobbi's dad could do better.

"I told you before; it's not you, it's me. And now, we must go our separate ways." replied 'Whottomuzz', as an ion cannon tore through the arena and blasted apart some kind of flesh curtain, sending bits of charred meat, sinew, and viscera flying into the panicking crowd.

"No! No don't go, please!" begged 'Antar', as Whottomuzz activated their jetpack and soared out of the arena with one final farewell.

"Goodbye, my love."

Jaw still slightly open in shock, Xuko blinked twice and clamped it shut. "Is this.. normal in a Kaggath?" he asked Reina Daival , who was sitting nearby.

 

[Klar]

She glanced to Klar.
"Like. In a spiritual way?"

"I think it counts." Klar agreed readily. Not just because Jobbi Chantin was her roommate and friend, but because - well, honestly, she didn't really NEED a reason more than that? But if pressed, Klar might've suggested that anyone who got hit by an orbital laser and survived was a person who was capable of essentially anything and probably could never lose. "Also? Super glad your dad isn't dead, Jobbie." Klar added, entirely earnestly.

She'd been legitimately worried. And worrying about the welfare of a Hutt crime lord had made her feel a certain kind of strange that she wasn't sure how to process. Intellectually she knew that Jobbi's dad wasn't the Hutt her father had sold her to, and she had a high opinion of Jobbi herself - but she wondered at the part of her that didn't extend as much of that grace to her father. Perhaps it was simply a healthy, respectful position to be wary of strange Crime Lords.