Private The Talk

[Kahlil Noble]

Hands off. That was his teaching style. He didn't want to burden or make his Padawan's feel chained down by his title as the Shield. There was always a burden to titles that he didn't feel was necessary for his students to hold. But now all he could think was he was doing them a disservice. Keeping the distance, not including them to keep them from feeling any pressure, wasn't he just telling them they weren't good enough? It wasn't his intent, but the more he saw Capris, the more he couldn't help but feel he'd somehow failed her.

No, not somehow. He had.

Kahlil let out a sigh as he stared out the window of his office. He'd already sent word for her. Now they just needed to talk.

Capris Halcyon

 

[Capris Halcyon]

She would have rather eaten her lightsaber than be where she was at the moment.

Capris didn't "talk" about stuff. She kept any and all emotions tightly bottled up until she could put them to use punching someone's lights out. It worked great for her, a flawless system really. But now Kahlil was forcing her into some pseudo-therapy session that no amount of Jedi training could prepare her for.

She couldn't punch her way out of this one.

With a loaded sigh, Capris approached the doors to Kahlil's office, sensing the man behind them with ease. However much she seemed intent on avoiding him, the force was always there to remind her she couldn't. Not truly.

She didn't bother knocking either, Kahlil knew full well she'd been out pacing the hallway for the past 5 minutes, there was no point in formality. Stepping foot inside his office, Capris stilled her nerves and looked over at the Jedi Master.

"You wanted to see me."

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Yeah."

Kahlil didn't look over his shoulder as she entered. Sure enough, he knew it was Capris. So much they had to talk about, but he couldn't figure where to start. Just.. Stared out the window for a moment longer.

"My father was the Emperor of the Sith once. He once lead the assault on this temple, lead to it's destruction. When I wanted to become a Jedi, I was looked at with all kinds of judgement and skepticism. Even now, there are people who watch me and wait for me to make a mistake. I distanced myself quite a bit from you, Rhemti, and Katherine so you might be free of that, but that's not how it's going to continue. My father is coming back, and I will be judged. So will you for being my Padawan."

Finally he turned, a more weary expression on his face. "In that regard I've failed to prepare you. Not just being the padawan of the Shield, but of a Sith Prince. I only gave you one stipulation; don't activate those runes with anger. I failed to impart why. So I'll ask you; have you?"

Capris Halcyon

 

[Capris Halcyon]

Alright.. lots to unpack.

Capris could only stare a moment, jaw tightening under the perceived weight of his admission. He was the one apologizing? For the distance, for the pointed judgment, for her avalanche of mistakes.

How unbelievably backwards.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks.” It was the first thing she landed on after an uncomfortable lapse of silence, managing to meet Kahlil’s gaze with straight sincerity. “I didn’t become your student just to appease some overzealous monks, you should know by now I’m not scared of a little controversy.”

Who cared if she was branded some disciple of a Sith Prince? Kahlil had more dimension than that, and she was far more concerned with impressing him than anyone who refused to see the Shield for what he truly was.

When talk shifted to runes, Capris seemed to lose a bit of her edge, eyes panning down to the floor as if a viable answer would spring simply out from the carpet.

After another lapse, she decided on honesty.

“Yes.” The word dropped from her mouth like a lead ball, leaving a nauseating pit in her stomach, “Back on batorine I-I swear I didn’t mean to- everything just happened so fast- it just.”

Yeah no, in no way was she ready to talk about this. She let her eyes shut a moment, grasping for the right words.

“I was scared.”

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"The Order is the least of your problems. The Alliance has already started to turn their back on the Jedi, some of them. And once things pick up they will use who I am as a slight against the Jedi as a whole. Politics are the worst after all." Still, he couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief as he plopped down in his seat. None of this was what he wanted his Padawan's to have to deal with. His past was his to handle. Not hers, or the others.

But that mattered little for what came next. Honesty. Kahlil stood from his chair as he stepped over to her without a word. Then, carefully, just pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry. I should've talked to you about this sooner. I shouldn't have been leaving you alone with this."

Capris Halcyon

 

[Capris Halcyon]

Her whole body went stiff as Kahlil offered a hug in place of lecture. Part of her wanted him angry. Angry at her… for her irresponsibility.. For being careless with the power and knowledge he’d entrusted her. But of course Kahlil wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction.

No, instead he apologized again. Each word twisting a little bit at her heart. For a moment or two her arms merely hovered, unsure how to shove down whatever emotions kept ramming their way up.

“Feth- can you stop apologizing.”

With the tiniest crack warping her words, Capris returned the hug with a tight squeeze before quickly wiping her eyes of any tears threatening to form. They could therapize all they wanted but she refused to cry.

“It’s not your fault. I’m not exactly the easiest person to talk to.” The admission came with a small touch of humor, one that was quickly wiped away by the thought that replaced it.

“Kahlil-”

Her hand flexed as reminders of Batroine and Valery’s rescue swarmed her.

“I don’t want to hurt people. Not more than I already have.”

It was as if she could still feel the dust and burn marks coating her hands.

“And then with everything that happened with Valery…” She trailed off, unsure whether it was smart to brush that nerve so soon. Kahlil had committed his fair share of brutality in Valery’s name, but there was something especially distasteful in smoking out a couple low-tier criminals that Capris couldn’t shake.

“I don’t know if Cora told you what happened- or if you just felt it maybe.. But I-”

Another grimace interrupted her words, partially out of the hope that Kahlil already knew and she wouldn’t have to voice the words.

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Can't promise I won't keep apologizing, sorry."

Just a little humor, just a bit. Enough to keep it from being pure misery on what was happening for them both, but not too much. He didn't want to take away from the importance of this all. And, well, affection or care of any kind still was weird for him to show. A Sith was never to show emotion, after all. Still, even talking about what happened. His jaw clenched. ".. I didn't feel anything, truthfully. I did.. A lot of things I shouldn't have. Crossed lines I shouldn't have. All I cared about was finding and saving Valery. When it comes to the people I care about-"

He shook his head.

"We don't have to talk about the specifics, but you're right. They are things we should never do. And I'll help you learn how not to act in emotion. That's what I'm supposed to do, yeah?"

Capris Halcyon

 

[Capris Halcyon]

Typical of Kahlil, he extended kindness and understanding. Offering to coach her in the department of emotional regulation she was clearly lacking in.

Even when he admitted his own struggle with such.

Capris looked at him a moment, wanting to nod and say yes and move on with their lives. Wanting desperately to believe what he said. To believe she could separate herself from emotion, act like the true impartial Jedi she was thought she was standing before.

“But all I’ve ever done is act on emotion.” The words were level, paired with a small shake of her head. “I joined the Jedi because I was scared, I became your padawan because I was angry at the Order, every assignment, every mission, every battle I’ve followed you into, all I really remember was the impulse to stay alive. The impulse to keep you alive, everyone I cared about, whatever means necessary.”

A defeated look misted her eyes.

“I don’t know if I’m built for this.”

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"That's true. You've always had some sort of temper." Was that the wisest answer? No. No it wasn't. He half regretted saying it as he did, but he did want to make sure she wasn't all doom and gloom. Especially now. But he cleared his throat, practically pretending he hadn't made some sort of teasing statement.

"There was a time when Jedi weren't allowed to feel. Valery is from that time. Emotion, love, they were considered dangerous and wrong. .. But those times were wrong. We're not machines, Capris. Or gods, or somehow super human. What makes a Jedi isn't suppressing emotion. It's understanding your emotions and knowing that, despite how you feel, you can still do what's right." He paused, just for a moment.

"You might not feel like you can, but you at least can recognize that you have emotions. When they're heightened. Right now, that puts you leagues ahead of other Padawans. Which is who you are right now. A Padawan. My Padawan. You're learning. You don't have to be perfect. If you were, what could I teach you?" He smiled briefly, reaching up to ruffle her hair.

"You're a great Jedi. Not because you can control your emotions, but because you understand enough to know you need help. We're an Order. We will always help one another."

Capris Halcyon