Private the girl you used to know

[Vesta]

now you hear me everywhere you go​

It was so nostalgic, sickeningly so. She'd played this song before, danced to its tune, and where it once had brought amusement to the corners of her lips now it only twisted her gut in disgust. To be anywhere but here, now, was a scream that roared in the back of her mind as she encroached upon the person she was after, regret sinking up into her chest with her every step. She couldn't be seen, couldn't be heard, but when she arrived it was unmistakable, a phenomena all its own. Quinn Varanin had made it mid-way through the hall, a corridor with a length that was greater than it had any right to be, but just as the distance from one end to her was equal to the space between her and the way back the Sith lord made her move. Light drained from the space in front of her like dropping a wave of ink into a clear pool of water and, just as it swallowed the path ahead of her, darkness rose up to consume the way she'd came. To run in either direction would mean to end up precisely where she'd come from, here - in the center. From behind, the front, above and below, this shadowy mass that kept freedom obscured eked out wisps that flowed through the space between to coalesce into a singular figure, a silhouette at first but a woman soon after.

Vesta Zambrano - Darth Mori.

No matter the name, the woman was there and the stage was set. Amber eyes that were ringed with crimson stared, almost cautiously, towards the Echani and it was obvious that there was no joy there, in the gaze that she'd set upon her. She likely could have killed her then, it occurred to her, but just as on Rhand she didn't make the effort - it wasn't in her to do the deed. She could have kept quiet, perhaps, maybe drilled her with a glare, or disappeared entirely without ever saying a word, but she hadn't manifested here to haunt her former flame in silence. "My apprentice thinks I should kill you." She said simply, implying she wouldn't by lack of action on her part. "Nice girl, really. I can't say the same about the boy she hangs around, but then again I suppose neither am I; really makes me rethink my convictions when someone like her questions whether or not I'm capable of ending your life." Of course she assumed, at the time, the girl was wondering whether she might need to do the deed if her own relationship failed, but it was convenient enough to ignore the context.

"So, tell me, Quinn, what do you think I should do?" She asked. "You know, assuming I won't just arbitrarily choose to do something else entirely."

"Entertain me, you seem to think about me so much, don't you?"

 

[Quinn Varanin]

Since Rhand, Quinn found herself floating. In and out of a daze, the galaxy continued almost without her. She had shown her face at the places she was supposed to and met her responsibilities without change. And yet, something once more was missing - a piece that she had tried to bury deep away to keep it from breaking her. Was it possible to break something that was already shattered? Her heart proved it to be accurate, but she couldn’t fall apart - not like before. Noelle wouldn’t bother picking her back up, not with the crown upon her head and the noble on her arm. Noelle was Queen and Quinn had to learn to sometimes stand on her own two feet.

Despite knowing this, Quinn knew her sister would move worlds for her. It was the same feeling she felt with every breath she took and every moment she thought of her.

The lights shifted, disappearing, causing Quinn to stop. It was out of the ordinary, and a part of her hoped this was because of one person. As the silhouette formed, the princess fought against the smile pulling at the corners of her lips.

“Oh?” She remarked, continuing down the hallway to better see Vesta as she arrived. Quinn stopped and loosely crossed her arms against her chest. Despite how happy she was, a part of her was worried about what drove the woman to this point. Vesta had made a point on Rhand, and while Quinn refused to accept the fact - she didn’t expect to ever see her ex-lover off the battlefield.

“She does, does she?” Quinn nodded, acknowledging the comment, and then snorted under her breath at Vesta’s demand for entertainment. “I’m quite sure the entertainment I could provide you is unwanted. As for killing me,” Quinn paused and sighed, exasperated. “You already have. How can you kill something that has already lost its life?” She questioned, doing her best to keep things together. Seeing Vesta now after Rhand - she didn’t know how to feel, especially after the cutting words the woman shot at her in anger.

“I think of you often, I still love you, but I doubt that the love that you had for me is gone. So you’ve killed me already, in your heart - so what more is left for you to slaughter?” Tears welled at the corners of the Echani’s eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.

“Is that the answer you wanted to hear? Did that entertain you, Darth Mori ?”​

 

[Vesta]

Whatever smugness had taken up space on her face was wiped away so quickly, replaced with a deep frown as she digested the words she heard. It always seemed so easy with her, that she could just say some barbed words and maybe feel a bit better about the dull ache she carried with her. Reality wasn't quite so simple, of course, and the more she tried to give away the pain the more it seemed to pile on - but with her, with Quinn Varanin it only made her feel guilty. That was the feeling she had felt at first, when she'd woken up and found herself bound, and it had been the same feeling when she'd finally managed to muster the strength to break free.

Guilt wasn't the feeling she had when she'd tracked her with the necklace she had been wearing around her neck.

"No, I suppose not." She admitted bitterly.

She took a step back, her presence growing thin and distorted, and she seemed to hesitate a bit with the pursing of her lips. "I wanted you to hate me." She said, hands clenching tight at her hips while her bitter look was directed at the shadowy floor beneath her feet. "I thought it'd be easy, thought you already did." There was a break there, in her voice, but she didn't acknowledge it in any way but the subtle clearing of her throat and a suppressed swallow. "I was home, you know. It wouldn't have been so hard to find me, if you tried."

She knew how that sounded, particularly given the locale, but she didn't seem to care so much about that as she did about what she was implying.

"Sick, like any fake might get if she gets just a little bit of privilege in her life - the force, the thing you were born with wasn't quite as simple for me." She said, staring at Quinn now with something resembling envy, though she, herself, wasn't quite sure of what. "Clone Madness, they call it." Ah, right - sanity. Or, at least, whatever sort of pleasantries she lacked that the other had. "Not a clone, you might say - I've got a mother and father after all, don't I?" She asked, nearly chuckling at the details in a way that was very obviously bitter - not towards them, of course, she loved her parents.

"But we're not here to talk about my weaknesses, are we, Quinn? No, because we're discussing you and me."

She paused, then, and looked her over with an expression that was decidedly unreadable. For a moment she seemed to flicker, like a light that was about to be blown out, but as she started stepping towards her again she became much more vivid, more clear. "I saw you, and her." She said, her gaze now turning into a glare. "Whichever one she was, I don't give two karks about, but I came to you with guilt, thinking I might be able to explain myself, explain my overprotective father even, but instead I find you with someone else."

Why didn't you say anything? Why didin't you tell me?

She was ready for that sort of questioning, and she bristled in anticipation with tension in her jaw that could have shattered steel. "But I was gone, wasn't I?" She asked, eerily calm. Angrily calm. Her head tilted to the side, like an owl looking at a tiny rodent with a hungering curiosity. "Maybe I was, and maybe I understood why you chose what you did, but I did not have that luxury, I didn't know." Vesta rattled off, losing her calm like a broken kettle under too much pressure. "I don't understand any of this - you, me, us, the importance of love if you can share all of it with anyone an-"

She cut herself off with a wince, reeling from a pain she didn't think she'd feel.

"I wanted you to hate me because it would make me feel just a little bit better about how I feel about myself."

 

[Quinn Varanin]

//: Darth Mori //:

Quinn tensed as she listened, hearing that Vesta had been so close and yet so far was unbearable to comprehend. She had tried but was met with walls after walls preventing her from discovering anything. Eventually, it had been too much for her, and she retreated back to Eshan. Although, even on Eshan, Vesta had been able to find her, and while hope swelled in her chest, it was soon diminished when she heard that Vesta had seen Alina.

"I did try, but whoever was hiding you made sure I had no way of finding you. I assumed that you had done this on your own - I had hoped not, but I figured you'd eventually come back to me, and when you didn't, my world ended." She explained but figured it wouldn't bear much weight to the Sith, especially after seeing Alina.

"I care for her, yes." She calmly spoke, seeing the storm brewing inside of Vesta. She always admired the calm storm that the Sith Lord was; parts of her envied the power that came from it. While there was admiration, there was also fear - she never wanted to be the one caught in the storm when Vesta decided to unleash it. Seeing that calm anger, Quinn loosened her figure, trying to look less threatening if she did at all. "You should have said something still; why didn't you?" She paused and shrugged, "We haven't done anything - if that's anything you care about. I can't bring myself to - because my mind and my heart wander to you - wondering where you were and if you ever thought of me the number of times I thought of you."

Quinn could feel her own anger starting to rise. It was frustrating; it was the same thing over and over again. Vesta not understanding her affection and feelings and yet saying she reciprocated. Did she ever love her? How could someone love without understanding love? For the life of her, she never understood the cloning or how Vesta was made, and in reality, Quinn didn't understand how she was conceived either. She was nothing short of a miracle and the manipulation of the Force to create life. None of it made any sense to her, and she shook her head.

"No one understands love Vesta, it's something that you feel, and love is shared with the people you care for. There are different types; the love for your parents and the love you have for a lover are two different types." She stepped forward; something compelled her to want to reach out to the woman. Quinn could feel every ounce of her pain rolling off of her, whatever had happened, she couldn't fix it, but maybe she could help in some sense.

She loved her more than anyone or anything - but the question was if Vesta could ever realize that.

"I can't hate you. Don't you realize this? Nothing you do - could ever make me hate you. Even if you kill me - I won't hate you. Vesta, I've loved you since the night I met you; you've shaped and changed my life more than anyone I've ever met." Sighing softly, she pushed back loose strands of her platinum hair and smiled. "And I will love you even if you hate me. I will love you enough for the both of us."

She stopped and kept the short distance that still remained between them. Biting her lower lip, the Echani wondered if she would regret the following question.

"Do you regret it? Do you regret our time together? Do you regret not killing me that night?"​

 

[Vesta]

That was always what this boiled down to, wasn't it? What she did wrong, what her mistakes were, as if everything that had went belly-up was something she wanted, something she designed. Made her sick - all of it, all of this. This, this insinuation that she had broken them apart and created this mess just to be rid of her, of Quinn. It was just like before, just like it always was. Born to tear her mother from her father, living to rub salt in a wound over an obsession to do the impossible that she couldn't possibly believe in, and existing to become a rot on the stars, an inherent evil to the cosmos.

Like she sabotaged the only thing that mattered to her so she could lose it.

She didn't know whether to be angry or insulted, or maybe upset or distraught - so she laughed, the sound as hollow as the space that each side of the hallway seemed to stretch endlessly in. There was an unease there, though not from her, she could feel it in the air when the question was posed. "That is.. that is twice now." She said breathily, like she was winded. There was a momentary pause, like she was trying to figure out how to act, what to say, the manner in which she should proceed even. Her fingers curled into balls, then uncurled, then back again as the muscles in her shoulders tensed and relaxed.

Her heart, barely holding on as it was, beat quite faster than it had been.

"I have hurt you over and over again.. dredging up the things that pain me, telling you what I have seen you do, I was on the verge of apology," Vesta seethed, her voice icy - a chill that spread through the space between them, as if she was consuming whatever warmth had been there. She threw her hands out, gesturing to the walls as she lifted her gaze to the darkness above. "Apology for my failure, for blame I've been willing to shoulder myself, despite the hatred that burns in my heart for the person who has replaced me." She said with a tone reaching hysterical.

She lowered her hands then, set her gaze evenly at Quinn's to stare her squarely in the eyes.

"And you have the audacity to question whether or not I regret us?"

There were tears, then, even she couldn't control that facet of herself - not yet. "When you left Rhand, what did you see?" She asked, giving the girl a moment to think the answer to the question over before abruptly interjecting to make her point. "Up with your other friend, did you look back? Did you watch me bathe myself in the rain that glassed the world?"

Her lips pressed thin, her face so close now - nearly nose to nose.

"I was nothing more than ash, Varanin. I hoped that in the fires of Rhand's rebirth that I, reborn, would find myself without the pain you lanced me with - with the love for some wretched woman that can tell me through the tears that she loves me but willingly went into the arms of someone else with me in mind, and I don't give a kriff if you slept with them, I saw the love in your eyes, the happiness, on Eshan."

She breathed in, like she was preparing to do something difficult for her.

"You thought of me when you lived your life merrily with them, did you? Well I thought of you, too, Quinn Varanin." She spat, a hand moving to wipe tears from her cheeks. "But never did it cross my mind to regret you." Vesta said, her face red. "How can you even ask that?" She stepped back, the hand she had wiped her face with now held against the side of her head, resting against her forehead. She shivered a little, seemingly shaken, perhaps even hurt. "Did I let you die, on Rhand? Did I kill you? Did I even try? No, no, of course not - I was cruel, I made you watch just a piece of my suffering because I knew it would hurt. But before all that I saw you were happy with her and I chose to let you go before we ever crossed paths then."

"I let you go because I love you. Why can't you understand that? I only regret that."

 

[Quinn Varanin]

//: Darth Mori //:

Asking again, it was born out of her own desire to hear the answer again. To know that everything she had felt for the woman was true and reciprocated. Quinn stiffened, feeling the whirlwind of emotion coming from Vesta. Having her so close for just that moment, to breath the same air as someone she loved so passionately. Just that one brief moment, they were close again. Quinn felt her knees buckle, but Vesta stepped away, giving space between them.

Her lips parted to answer but were quieted by the emotion that she saw on Vesta’s face. Once more, she saw the face of the girl that had broken into her room. The one that brandished a knife with the desire for revenge. And yet they comforted each other, two daughters without mothers. Quinn’s face softened as she watched Vesta’s movements recoiling from the emotion that she still had. “I tried moving on, Vesta, I tried because I couldn’t hurt the people around me - who saw how broken I am. Yes, I can’t deny caring for Alina because I do - but she’s not you.” Quinn took a step closer, watching Vesta looking for any reason she should continue or step back. “No one will ever replace you in my heart. I wanted you to come with me on Rhand; I wanted you to be protected with me. Watching you suffer has never been what I wanted.”

Another step forward, moving ever closer to the girl. “Felix, the boy that was with, he’s nothing more than a friend. I wanted to stay with you.” Her voice quieted as she drew closer; a hand reached, brushing gently against the hand resting on Vesta’s face. To touch her again, Quinn felt as if her chest would burst. “I don’t regret you either; I’m sorry I asked such a foolish question.” She tried to pull the hand away, to see better the face she only had been able to visit in her dreams. “Vesta…” Quinn started, but unable to control herself, she leaned forward while pulling her former lover closer.

Just one more time, she wanted to hold, to be held, to feel the Shi’ido one again. “I’m so sorry, Vesta.” Leaning in, she moved to press her lips against the Sith’s once more. There was nothing more in this galaxy she wanted more than she did Vesta Zambrano. “Please have no regrets.”

 

[Vesta]

fever​

What is it that holds you together when the binding of your life breaks apart at the seams? Struggle to start over, to repair the tear, or allow everything to slowly fall apart until everything slides further and further out of your control? That had been her dilemma then, when she'd made her way through the jungles of Vjun and happened upon Darth Daiara - only then it had been less clear. Healing the girl on a whim and the subsequent process of making her an acceptable replacement had felt like an attempt to repair things before they got out of hand, an attempt to return to normalcy, but deep down she'd always known that it had been an entirely different direction than the one she had originally set out on years before then. Pages added to a book whose spine was torn.

It would have been so fortunate to have had this moment so much earlier, before the pages had begun to spill out, before the cover had fallen off and the contents lost in the winds that change which always seemed to sweep over her.

She shook her head vigorously, upset with the way things were going - not because of the outcome, but because of the pointlessness all of it implied if things were truly moving in the direction they seemed to be. There weren't going to be sobs from her, not this time, but the glistening of tears in her eyes didn't stop and neither did the salty droplets that slid down her face like water over a pane of glass. There was an urge to speak, and indeed she mumbled her protestations, but she'd already come this far - to turn and run would be cowardice, and that was something she was not. A step backwards was taken at Quinn's approach, an instinct that steered her despite her conscious decision to stay, but it was only the one she'd take as she became aware of it.

Her shoulders shook, a fist clenched at her side in frustration at herself - completely disarmed like she'd been when she had actually tried to kill Quinn Varanin in her room on Eshan. A hand touched hers and immediately she froze, her eyes going wide as she tried to slow her breathing through her nose with her mouth shut tight. Her shoulders loosened at the apology, and there wasn't an ounce of resistance met by the tug against the hand she'd kept at the top of her face. Her fingers, as if remembering something her mind couldn't, tried to curl around the Echani's when their eyes met. Hurt was still there, hidden in the wrinkles at the ends of her eyes but she was stilled by the realization that she was moving, leaning, forwards - closer to her.

Her mouth began to open, maybe to say something else, a barb or an excuse to slow the momentum down and stop what was coming before it was too la--

Silence, darkness.

Her eyes had closed without even realizing it and in place of words she felt lips pressed into hers, a kiss stolen from her that she'd been missing for so long. All too soon, just as her eyes opened again, Quinn pulled away, spoke again, and for the first time in so many years it wasn't Vesta's authoritative words guiding things along. "O-Okay." She heard herself say, evidently in shock or something of the sort. There was a pause, then, like her mind was catching up to everything that had happened so suddenly and rationalizing her inaction.

Rationalizing it all.

This wasn't why she'd come, not even close.

She took a step back, pulling away, and the shadows she had brought with her began to recede. Disoriented was the only way to concisely describe the look on Vesta's face now, confused with how things had started so far from this point and somehow managed to end up where they had. Part of her, even, wondered if she ought to have been upset with the kiss, the other upset with herself for thinking she couldn't have forgiven Quinn for tearing straight through her on Rhand.

Then she remembered the lingering feeling of those soft lips pressed against her own and did the only thing that she could to make things right, to help herself decide --

Kissed her back.

 

[Quinn Varanin]

//: Darth Mori //:

Even with all the power that coursed through the Sith Lord’s veins, Quinn found the girl she had once held in her arms. The princess half expected Vesta to be upset, curse the actions taken and spew hateful words once more. Yet, just a brief moment, Quinn could see beneath the stoic mask Vesta hid behind. She was still there, hiding and protecting herself. Without missing a beat, Vesta returned the kiss, taking the Echani by surprise.

Force knew how long Quinn had waited for this moment. All she desired in this world was to hold Vesta, have her close like she had before. She wanted to return to their lives the way they were: careless and free. Neither from her understanding had much in the form of potential. They both knew privilege, but Vesta only had seen a glimpse of it - beyond her benefit was responsibility. One that Quinn would never understand. Unlike Vesta, she was born second. Someone stood in her way, shouldering the responsibility of their name, and Quinn was left to her wiles.

She would never understand Vesta’s responsibilities and the drive that kept her moving forward. But she would try if only to taste this moment once more.

Breaking apart for just a moment, Quinn whispered the name of her former lover as she caught her breath, “Vesta,” Her words almost begging as she clung tightly to the Sith Lord. Their lips touched again as hands kept them close. She would give anything to keep this moment locked in time, never having to relive the separation and escape to a world only theirs. But the reality wasn’t so kind, and Quinn pulled away once more. Arms untangled from Vesta, and the Echani held her breath to memorize this moment of peace.

“Leave it all.” her words, desperate. If Vesta could walk away from all her plans and desires for power - maybe this could be salvaged. “Walk away from everything, come back to me, be with me. I can’t see you do what you did on Rhand again, Vesta. Not again, you’re going to get yourself killed.” Panic settled into her throat, suffocating her words as she fought back the tears. “We can do this; I know we can. Just love me, like before.” Stepping back, she held out a hand, “Please just take it, come back to me - let it just be us.”

Quinn wondered how hopeless her wish was, but the Vesta she knew, the one she had given her heart to, was still there. There was hope, but she wondered how deeply intertwined the dark side had wrapped around the girl.

“Vesta, please - I don’t care how many times you hurt me; I’ll always love you.”

 

[Vesta]

cross​

To separate, to grow apart, that had been what had driven her as far as she'd come from the point where they had gone their separate ways. Maybe neither of them realized it in any meaningful way beyond the subconscious, missing the point that caused her to give in when she had seemed ready to do anything but, there was a moment of lucidity that nearly always followed these sorts of things. It was inevitable that cards held so tightly to their chest would be revealed, be it willingly or through the slip of the tongue, but it often required circumstances far beyond the control of any individual to manifest. Sith lord or not, Darth Mori was still Vesta Zambrano, and Vesta Zambrano was hardly more than an angry, vindictive, yet very afraid, if paranoid, girl - a woman that had tried to make certain she was never as alone as she was when she was, from a certain point of view, born.

It was impossible to determine the true motives behind someone else's actions or words, but every individual said something that differed from what the one they spoke to, acted towards, might've come to expect from them - a coincidence, sometimes, but often times the sign of a change of heart or subtle manipulation; a slight of hand. The casual observer might've recognized the plea as a simple request, albeit a naive one, but Vesta had grown paranoid as her strength had grown, nearly parallel to the other. "Vesta." Quinn had said, nearly mewling her name, and untangled their limbs from each other with a shift in body language that, to the Shi'ido, represented being closed off. A breath withheld, a quiet pause followed, but what came next turned the world on its head.

"Leave it all."

Vesta's eyes widened in shock, her brow upturned in hurt confusion, as the gears in her head turned and quickly formed a 'reason' for this - a reason why Quinn had tried to close their widening gap with a kiss in the first place, the rationale behind the insistences she had made despite the concessions and admissions given as nearly an afterthought, but most importantly the purpose behind the distance emphasized even now as the world began to grow just a bit more grey for her. The explanation she received, or rather the pleading, would've made sense to her if it had been given at the beginning of the end of the Sith Empire, when there had been a very real reason to have simply disappeared - when there had been a threat looming over their heads.

But these words came from a Quinn Varanin that had fought side-by-side with her in the losing battle that had been Bastion of all places - words that sounded like fear, though for what there seemed to be two things. On its face, and perhaps more likely if she was to believed, it was for the Sith's safety; but there was the other, the one Vesta's mind wandered towards and eventually chose to believe, that Quinn might've chosen this as her means to pacify Darth Mori.

If she had been more certain of that, if Quinn had been given more signs of trying to manipulate the Sith with their former passion as a source of emotional blackmail, then it would have ended here - there was nothing her former apprentice could have done in that moment which would've saved her, or whatever dismal world they were standing on, from the all-consuming pull that Vesta could've subjected her to - but, and perhaps solely out of a desire to be wrong, it did not because she was not more certain.

That still did little, however, to erase the disbelief etched into her face.

"Any time.."

She cleared her throat to speak up.

"You could have asked me at any time before then, before we separated, even, but you want me to abandon what I have always been working towards now?" She asked, incredulous.

"Is that an ultimatum? You or my future?"

 

[Quinn Varanin]

//: Darth Mori //:

Quinn knew her plea would fall on deafened ears. Vesta wouldn't understand the desire for it, when before they both fought to be the strongest. They both, at one point, wanted to rule the Empire, to grasp the galaxy and make it theirs. Quinn only wanted that because of Vesta - it was her lover's desire, and she would do anything to make it come true. Yet, those dreams and wishes only brought death. She couldn't see that; she couldn't bear to see Vesta die for her ambitions.

The revelation stung more than the Princess thought it would. Vesta was correct; there were so many times before now that Quinn could have asked. They could have walked away, run away to their own place in the galaxy. But Quinn never questioned her Master, her lover's desires. Time had given the Echani strength. She could see beyond the clouded gaze of lust and love to see where this path led. Each and every time she looked, all she saw was Vesta's destruction - even if she believed in her heart that the woman could succeed. What was needed for success took everything from the Zambrano woman.

"Yes." She choked out, answering the question. It was an ultimatum. It was the only thing she could think of to try and save the woman she loved so desperately. "Vesta, I wanted to. I wanted to tell you to run away with me so badly, but I believed." She tried to pull the Shi'ido back in and show her that this was nothing more than her love begging to be returned. "I believed in what you believed. I still do, but I can't see a path that lets you keep your humanity."

She cried. So many tears were shed for Vesta, the Princess felt her heartbreaking all over again. She knew that no matter what happened, the ending that was desired would never come true. "I believe you can change the galaxy, but at what cost? Everything that you are? Who you are? It's not worth it - please." She begged, nearly crumpling to the ground, no longer finding any will to see tomorrow without her former lover.

The kiss was a temptation that only provided her the sweet drug she craved. Nothing would ever compare, but wasn't that what one's first love was like? A drug, one that crushed when it was no longer available. Quinn reached, "Vesta pick me, choose me, kark the galaxy and its problems. Just - I can't see you in that much pain - I can't lose you again."

 

[Vesta]

Poisonous Love​

To be powerful, to have control, to be free - and yet to feel so powerless.

That was what it meant to be Sith, to be Vesta Zambrano under the guise of Darth Mori, and to be in love - to desire, more than anything, to be liberated from the weight that the stars pressed down against her back, and yet to be shackled to another for the remainder of her days. Quinn was the center of everything, the swirling singularity that drew her in, that inspired every last action she had ever made from the moment she'd known who she was - the inspiration to learn to kill, then to love, then to defend, to revenge, and now to give in. What was being asked of her was something that she could no longer do, a decision she had made so long ago now that the branching path on that forked road was too far back for her to see in retrospect - like a scream that came from a voice that she didn't have, anymore.

Tears dewed at the corners of her eyes as she struggled to come to terms with what she was being told, to comprehend that being free also meant being alone.

This wasn't what she had wanted, but neither was being caged to get what it was she did desire.

She shook her head, slowly at first and then twice more in rapid succession, and made sounds of mewling disagreement as she stepped back, putting distance between them. There were claims here, supposed desire to lift her pain away from her, to draw her away from a conflict that surely would only see her die - words that framed a self-fulfilling prophecy condemning Vesta to give in to the despair she'd been running from, in denial, for oh so long. "Why?" She asked, the break in her voice evident by the elevated whine interspersed between the first letter and the last.

Everything in her life had been to work towards the path she was on now, every single decision, every mistake, and all of the compromises - and now she was hearing that it wasn't worth it, that it never could be enough. She'd killed people for her, stained her hands with blood that she never had any reason to dirty herself with, and she'd gone to war for her - even if she hadn't realized why there had been as much fervor as there was when she'd decided to abandon her, then, loyalties for her family's empire to save her when she could have tried to turn the tides against the newer Imperial tide.

She'd cursed herself, wound herself into something that couldn't feel for anyone else, even herself, and shut herself off from the world because she had believed that she could have had it all - and her. Her chest ached, not the dull ache she'd felt when she discovered that she'd been left behind as a relic of their past, but a sharp and searing pang that tore through her like a scream that came from every last cell in her body.

"I want you, you, the way you are, who you are now - why can't you want me that way?" She asked, demanded - cried, screamed.

She had always changed, swaying like a willow in the wind, for Quinn, shifting every which way she desired, recoiling when she'd bent too far for the Echani's liking, but this was where she drew the line - where she knew that, at long last, Vesta had realized who she was as much as what. She hadn't come here to hurt, but now that was all she could understand, despite Quinn Varanin urging her to make an impossible choice, and all she knew was that pain of heartache.

"Why are you making me choose?"

 

[Quinn Varanin]

//: Darth Mori //:

The curse of the empath. She could feel every painful beat of Vesta's heart as she questioned the ultimatum. Quinn didn't want this. It was the last thing she ever wanted to say to Vesta. If she could, Quinn would throw everything away and follow the woman down the dark path she had set before her. "I want you. I want everything you are, Vesta." She cried back, reaching for her former lover. Quinn craved her touch, desiring to feel whole again. Vesta had pieces of her heart that Quinn willingly gave and didn't want back.

No one would ever compare.

Tears stained the Echani's pale face, her nose red from sniffling and choking back what she could of her tears. Vesta moved away, and while it wasn't far - Quinn felt worlds between them. She reached back out, crossing the distance that Vesta had made. "I want you, but I want you to live." Slender fingers reached, caressing the back of Vesta's hands. They searched for the hands to hold, the hands that were so precious to her. "Vesta, my heart beats for you, and it kills me knowing that the path you've set before you. The one that you fight for - it only leads you to death."

She hiccuped, choking on her words as she shook her head. Blonde hair clung to her face, sticking to her tears. "I can't watch you die; I want to save you, I want to keep you close to me. No one can ever replace you, not now, not ever."

Quinn searched for the warmth she had felt when they had kissed; she wanted it again. "If this is what you want, then I can't stop you. I accept that, but why must you always put yourself in danger. Why can't we just disappear, run away from all of this and just be together." Desperation was in her voice as she continued to move closer, looking to Vesta for something - telling her that she was getting through to her.

"Let me be enough for you - because you are enough for me, Vesta, you're breaking my heart, this is a path I -- I can't follow you down. I can't watch you kill yourself."

Tears fell, and Quinn stopped trying to stop them. "Please let me be enough for you. Just choose me...please. Kiss me and tell me that I'm enough for you."

 

[Vesta]

Breaks My Back​

Perhaps the lens from which she'd been viewing the world around her had been exclusive to her, and to her alone; the sacrifices she had made were too great, in her eyes, to simply walk back - impossible, even. She had adopted the Sith name of her choosing because of its implication, and because of the phrase she'd been so keen to say whenever it was that she intended to strike the final blow, as the first step of many, so many, more on the road to ruin that she'd walked all this time. It had been to her understanding that everyone who knew her, truly so, would realize the weight of the decisions she had made, how irreversible they had become in the manner she had chosen to make them. Though it had always been a slow reveal to her that others understood less of her than she had thought, her eyes were open now to the truth.

A mewling Quinn Varanin had never known her as well as the Shi'ido had thought, not if she thought that this was a path she could walk away from, and she must have known the Echani even less to have been surprised by this.

Wandering hands that reached for her own found their purchase on the prize they were after, she couldn't resist physical touch nearly as easily as she could reject the pleading sent her way. It was ironic, then, to hear the phrase she'd uttered to those she had killed repackaged and handed back to her. The sith code, the very set of beliefs she'd decided to base her actions on in the wars she had taken part in, was completely disregarded in the face of a crying Quinn, but she couldn't help but compartmentalize her feelings with that survivalist mentality as a basis. This pleading to run, to abandon everything she had bled herself dry for and worked herself to the bone in order to accomplish, sounded more and more like the vulnerability she had been trying to evade for so long.

She cocked her head to the side, her expression an uneven cross of questioning hurt and acceptance. Having her by her side would have made failing easier to cope with, but losing her here and now would require her to succeed no matter the odds. She shook her head, a pained smile faintly visible at the ends of her lips, and found herself unable to elucidate how it was that she could both be everything to her and yet not at the same time. The strength, the power, she was after was not the end she desired but a mere means to it - every route leading back to having her with her in a better life. "You are, you're everything I wanted and more, but that is what I'm after - what all of this is for." Vesta said, her voice still shaken from the sobs that had put the nerves in the muscles along her vocal chords on a hair trigger. "If you can't be with me for that, then I'll make a reality where we can be."

"I'm sorry it can't be this one."

She knew, of course, that her former apprentice had no idea what it was that she'd been up to, who she had involved herself with beyond the rumors, or just what her goals had shaped themselves into. Being that she was her former apprentice should've obligated her not to disclose those plans, particularly given that, in a way, their second chance would involve two very different incarnations of themselves, but she had been the reason for it - the spiraling madness that had convinced her that nothing was meant to be, that everything she had ever wanted had slipped through the gaps in her fingers like so much wet sand because of the threads of fate that bound the two of them to the galaxy's conflicts at large. Meaning, the one singular thing that had been of the utmost importance to a younger Vesta, was something she had been struggling to discover until she'd been lost to Quinn.

"I will wipe the slate clean, start things over, and make sure we can be together in a life without the need for any of this." She explained, interlacing her fingers with Quinn's. "A better introduction, a relationship without the hardships we've gone through - a life that we deserve." She shook her head again. "I won't die, I can't. Not until we've lived a life less frightening." She didn't kiss her, then, instead untangling her hands from Quinn's, and stepped back again. It was clear this was difficult for her by the tone she'd spoken in, the way she sounded more as if she intended to convince herself of her success than offering any form of explanation, but it was one she had decided on - trying to live half a life with the Echani was not.

"I love you, but I guess we'll just have to be alone a little bit longer."