First Reply Still the Mind

[Shan Pavond]

Thoughts. Fears. Worries. Those were things that nearly everyone had. At this current point of time, Shan had plenty of those. They had been bouncing around his head for days now and as much as he wished he could just turn his brain off and stop thinking, it was easier said than done. The Mirialan had thrown himself into saber and blaster training to try and distract himself but it hadn't worked. Even now, he was still wrestling with the thoughts of going to see his parents back on Nar Shaddaa. Why was he so paranoid about it? They were his parents, they'd be happy to see him if he went back to Nar Shaddaa...So why did something feel wrong about it? The Padawan just couldn't put his finger on it. There was just a strange uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind that he just couldn't shake off.

Being in the Jedi Temple wasn't helping his thoughts whatsoever. Following a constant routine was something that he had believed would help distract himself but instead it had given him more time to think which he hadn't wanted. He had to find something that would distract him from the thoughts that swirling around in his mind. The idea came to him when he was walking down to the training room like usual. Shan hadn't actually allowed himself to just enjoy Coruscant. Everytime he had walked out onto the streets, it was always with the intention of helping other people. He hadn't ever thought about just walking around the streets and seeing what he could take in. What he could discover. He had been on the lower levels a fair few times, but perhaps a chance of scenery with the upper levels would help him find something to act as a distraction.

So that's what the Mirialan decided to do. Clipping his lightsaber to his belt and leaving the medical supplies behind for once, to go and wander the upper levels of Coruscant. He brushed down his robes to make sure he was at least some what presentable before setting out from the Temple. Almost straight away, the sounds of the streets and people around him were making him feel relaxed. It reminded him of how Nar Shaddaa sounded sometimes, though it was far more...relaxed compared to his home. Whilst the lower levels reminded him of the streets he grew up on, the upper levels were what he always imagined Nar Shaddaa could look like, if people made an effort there but he supposed most people couldn't be bothered to try and look after the moon.

The lights and sounds were actually helping to make Shan relax as he leaned against a railing. Turning his attention towards the airspeeders flying past, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. It was strange for him to think that before he came to the Jedi Temple, he didn't even know how to pilot a ship. He didn't even know how to shoot a blaster before coming to the planet. He had already changed so much since arriving but he wasn't sure if he was liking the changes. Shan just shook his head and carried on watching the airspeeders, smiling to himself.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

Ko didn’t quite feel like himself right now. But he wasn’t really supposed to. His master had wanted to put a bit more emphasis on him ‘blending in’ which was almost antithetical to Ko’s entire MO. He often made the conscious effort to look and present like a Jedi, for it to be unmistakable who he was when people saw him. But Jonyna made it a point for him to understand the importance of likely needing to keep a low profile given his background.

Afterall he was already a Kel Dor which could often make him stand out in certain settings. But to make it easier for him though he still got to wear Jedi attire, it just didn’t really look traditional at all. Wearing a jumpsuit instead which really just made him look like some ordinary worker. Which already helps some in making him blend in with the ordinary people of Coruscant. Still appeared like an alien, but not a Jedi. His master just wanted him to get more comfortable with presenting himself in different ways while out in public.

However, what were the odds Ko would run into someone he recognized? Likely not very high. But yet he noticed a familiar looking green lad amongst the hustle and bustle of the upper levels. Being able to tell them apart from their robes which Ko himself was not wearing.

Walking over to the fellow padawan resting against the rail, Ko spoke up through his mask. “How goes it Shan?” The Dorrin padawan asked, in his hands was a small disposable dish ofzoochberry dumplings. A popular meal back in Hutt Space that Ko came to enjoy back during his time on Nubia. He had hoped to eat them when he could get back to his Master’s Ship. Since he couldn’t eat them with his mask on currently. He held up the dish to shan and simply asked. “Want one?” Not sure if the green teen would care for any or even knew what they were.

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan raised an eyebrow as he heard Ko's voice coming from his side, as the Mirialan glanced over towards the Kel Dor. Out of the other Padawans he had met, Ko was one of the ones he felt the most similar to. Braze seemed far too...excitable, whilst Loomi was a bit too emotional. That wasn't anything he had against them though. It was part of why he considered them friends at the end of the day. Differences were better than similarities. But it also meant that Shan wouldn't feel comfortable talking about any of his concerns with them. Braze seemed like the kind who would make fun of him, whilst Loomi would probably get upset over the situation.

His eyes went towards the zoochberry dumplings, breaking out a small smile as he took the dish from Ko. "Thanks. I've forgotten to eat today." It was unlike him to forget about that. It had been having a bit more often recently with all of the thoughts that were going through his mind. The dumplings were able to remind him of his home, sighing to himself afterwards. He'd regret not going to see his parents before it was too late, wouldn't he? It was a strange thought. He hadn't really thought about his parents before the lesson from Kahlil.

"Could be better. Had a lesson with Master Noble. He's given me a lot to think about...but at the same time he hasn't. He told me to just stop thinking." The Mirialan ran his hand through his hair, staring back over the railing to watch the airspeeds driving past to try and keep his mind busy. Trying not to dwell on his thoughts and instead stay focused on the conversation at hand. "Never expected it to be so hard to just stop thinking. There's loads of different thoughts going on in my mind. My parents. My training. My actions. What it means to be a Jedi." His face scrunched up into a frown as he stared off. "Part of me is worried that my pacifist ways are more of a hinderance than a help to anyone. That I just make more problems for people..."

Ko Vuto

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

Pretty quickly Ko was able to sense Shan may have been in a contemplative mood at the moment. It was honestly hard for Ko to imagine forgetting to eat. Since he typically had plenty of nutripaste rations on him to eat at a given time. Having the portable and calorie dense food with him all the time almost made it easy to over eat since it was hardly ever filling. But a good tea to suppress his appetite often helped with that.

After his question Shan opened up some, honestly more than Ko had initially expected. Figuring the green teen would’ve given a simple and typical response. But they really laid out how they were feeling to Ko. But the Kel Dor respectfully listened to what his fellow padawan had to say. The idea that his master told him to simply stop thinking sounded odd to him. Maybe Shan was just paraphrasing, but still.

Ko was also getting the idea that Mirialan was having general doubts. Something he could empathize with, since everyone had doubts, but he had some serious ones he hadn’t yet fully come to terms with yet. Largely from the Battle back on Chaldea, where if he remembered correctly Shan had also been present at as well. Ko himself had not yet opened up to anyone about his experience there which he regretted and hoped Shan had not made that same mistake.

The Mirialan also spoke about their more pacifistic ways. A concept and ideal that was always quite alien to Ko as a Kel Dor. Being something he didn’t quite subscribe to. But like how Dorin society was very hardline, it was possible that Mirialans were much less so. “I think I understand what you mean. Lately I’ve been worried my own convictions in regards to justice can become hindrance as well, and create issues.” Ko finally said back. Trying to find a way to bridge their rather opposite principles. “I’ve dreaded the idea of possibly blurring the line between justice and revenge. Sometimes I’m concerned my master might also lose sight of that as well.” He said, referring to the ‘take no prisoners’ mentality and disdain for all things imperial Jonyna has seemed to develop in her years.

Looking back to the green teen, Ko then asked, “What does being a Jedi mean to you Shan?” It was a rather loaded question, but an important one for anyone who strives to become one or already is. Since it’s always a bit different and shaped by an individual and their experiences.​

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan listened to Ko carefully. Blurring the lines between justice and revenge. The Mirialan frowned at that thought, still watching the airspeeders go past. "I had to fight a Jedi who thought they knew best. That their justice was more important than forgiveness and redemption." It was something that still gave Shan nightmares. Fighting a Sith was terrifying, but he knew what he had been getting into with that situation. But fighting against a fellow Jedi? That was something he would never have expected to do. It was part of why he had actually started questioning what it meant to be a Jedi. Did it mean trying to keep the Light strong through the face of Darkness? Or bringing Light to the Dark...Though Shan shook his head slightly, glancing over towards Ko, frowning in thought once more. "You don't remind me of him though. You seem like the type of person who would listen, before acting."

He turned his back to the airspeeders to lean against the railing whilst folding his arms along his front. "Revenge. Justice. They're both two sides of the same coin. Some may see revenge as justified, whilst justice as just morally correct revenge. It's all just...so complicated." The Mirialan groaned, running his hand through his hair as he was still trying to process his thoughts. Wrap his head around what exactly he wanted to say and how to answer Ko's question about what it meant to be a Jedi. Shan had plenty of different thoughts about it, still staring off into space. This question would have been so easy to answer when he first arrived. Champions of justice, protectors of the innocent, but the more and more he experienced, the less and less true that seemed to him.

"I feel like a Jedi...They can be many different things. I'd be arrogant if I said that how I want Jedi to be is the only right answer. I personally want to be the type of Jedi that protects the innocent. Makes sure they aren't in danger, that they're safe. But I also want to help those who are lost. Those who are fallen off the path of the light and fell into the dark...There's potentially so many Sith who follow that path because they were alone. No-one cared for them and so they turned to the dark out of fear or anger or pain..." He knew he sounded incredibly naive. But that was one belief he wasn't going to give up on. No matter what. If there was a chance someone could be redeemed, he'd take it. No matter what. "...I fought a Sith on Elom. She sent one of the Ashlans we were trying to rescue after me, whilst also trying to break my mind. I could have killed her, I almost did in anger...But I spared her instead. She ran from me, and I took her lightsaber..."

Nyaeli was a regular thought that had been crossing Shan's mind. Was it right to have spared her? Should he have killed her? The Padawan just couldn't be too sure. He pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head afterwards. "I've...just never been an aggressive person, or a fighter. I'm a healer. Whereas I feel like Jedi are meant to be warriors. They're meant to fight to protect people, but it just goes against what I believe. My desire to protect people, to heal them, is one of the main reasons why I've never looked towards the dark side." It was more complicated than he had expected. Was he opening up too much? It was too late either way.

Ko Vuto

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

Ko somewhat hoped that was the case. He liked to consider himself to be someone who was willing to listen and not jump the gun. Just that redemption wasn’t a very big priority to someone like him when facing an enemy. Listening to Shan some more he took in what they said about trying to tell the difference between justice and revenge. “Well, you wanna make it even more complicated, you can throw retribution into the discussion as well.” Ko said with a slightly humorous tone in his voice.

But the Kel Dor didn’t want to make the Mirialan even more confused and conflicted then they likely already were. Eventually the green padawan replied to his question about what it meant to be a Jedi. “I’d say you don’t have to worry about being arrogant, not yet at least. And I agree, there’s no real right answer.” Sure Ko found Shan’s perspective idealistic but not really naive. The Kel Dor just had a more pragmatic outlook on things.

Hearing Shan open up some about his prior experience with fighting others made him feel a little more willing about talking about his own encounter. “On the mission to Chaldea I fought someone as well, a local paladin of sorts. She was young like you and I. The idea of redemption was discarded as soon as it entered my mind I’m afraid. Could she have been redeemed? Perhaps. But in that moment, when lives were on the line, I couldn’t hesitate.” He explained to Shan rather vaguely and spared him the details. More so sharing the mentality he had during the fight more than his actions. Ko was largely protected from the seduction of the darkside because he’d been instilled from a young age with a very black and white view on things. There was a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things.

“It’s a good thing you’re so mindful of your aggression Shan, especially as a healer if that’s how you want to progress your journey as a Jedi. I do hope Master Noble as Shield of the Jedi is doing a good job of fostering that healthy mentality.” Ko said to the Mirialan padawan.

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan did give a half hearted chuckle to Ko's comment about retribution. "In that case they're the three faces of the same triangle." He shook his head afterwards, folding his arms along his front as the Mirialan kept a frown on his face. Trying to wrap his head around things as he listened to Ko talk. There was a small smile on his face at someone saying he didn't have to worry about being arrogant. It was one of the things that he was always worrying about. He knew a lot of people believed that those who didn't agree with violence or fighting could be arrogant by not wanting to do it.

Though the smile was instantly wiped off his face when Ko revealed what happened on Chaldea. How Ko had fought someone that was similar to their age...and presumably killed her, something that Shan wouldn't have been able to do though the Mirialan didn't think too differently of Ko, just nodding towards the Kel Dor. "That's what separates the pair of us then I suppose. You can do the hard thing, when it's required of you, whereas I'd always be looking for another way. A way to try and save them from themselves, even though there are always going to be situations when that isn't possible...but that doesn't mean I won't try." If Shan hadn't left Chaldea when he did, he probably would have been caught up in a fight like that...and potentially would have ended up dying.

"Master Kahlil...He doesn't know about my concerns of my aggression. I do not wish to disappoint him...Instead, I've been throwing myself into my training more. Sparring against droids more. Cora did give me help on a..."constructive" way to get out my aggression as well, which I do often now." Setting up a rage room with droids was what Shan had done when he felt too frustrated. Whilst he didn't like the idea of dealing with people, he would happily fight against droids.

Ko Vuto

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

Listening to Shan’s reply, Ko felt like he wasn’t giving himself enough credit. “You kind of make it sound like seeking redemption isn’t difficult too. I suppose though it depends on what we both consider to be ‘the hard thing to do.’ But it’s like you said, that’s just something that makes us different right?” Ko was thankful too that Shan seemed to understand Ko’s words, and didn’t feel the need to ask for clarification over the events that transpired for the Kel Dor.

He then listened to Shan explain their concerns over their aggression and how he hasn’t discussed it with his master yet. “Well if you’d want my opinion. I don’t think he’d be disappointed in you. I feel like any master would want their padawan to open up about their worries. Not lock them away where they’re out of sight.” To be fair there probably were some masters here and there that would prefer that their students become emotionally distant but Ko personally didn’t know of any, and definitely didn’t think that Master Noble was one such individual. Even though he didn’t have that much prior experience or interactions to go off of.

Shan also mentioned Cora as well. A padawan Ko hadn’t actually seen yet since they departed from The Order. Who from the sound of it has offered some advice for the green teen. “That’s good, I’ve heard she’s been through a lot so I imagine she’d probably know a thing or two about ways to deal with turmoil.” ​

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Yes, but whilst you've prevented someone from being able to cause more harm in the future, I haven't. She could potentially still be out there, ruining people's minds, and it's all my fault. All because I believe she can be redeemed. Because I think people deserve a chance. She could have easily killed me but didn't..." The Mirialan muttered to himself, almost as if he was still trying to justify his own actions to himself, even though he would never actually think he did something wrong. He'd repeat the same thing again over and over again. Even if Nyaeli ended up causing untold slaughter, Shan would stand by his decision. He was not a judge, jury or executioner. He could not bring himself to strike down someone who was disarmed.

However he did listen to how Ko said that Kahlil would probably want to know how Shan was feeling, and he ran his hand through his hair, with a sigh. "You're right there but I'm just...afraid. My father was never a huge fan of having me open up to him. He always told me to just get on with things. And so...even though I know he wouldn't be the same, I'm afraid Kahlil would act like that." It didn't help that Shan saw Kahlil as family, same with Valery and the rest of the nobles. He just scowled in thought at that, pinching the bridge of his nose before listening to what Ko said about Cora as well and he nodded at her.

"We met on Utakis. She needed my help when I was offering to help out at one of the clinics. She helped me a lot. I appreciate her." It was true. Corazona von Ascania was one of the people Shan trusted the most right now. Apart from Kahlil and Valery, but that was to be expected. There was part of him that wanted to talk to Cora about this but...eh. It wasn't important. Not yet. Ko was a nice enough person to talk to anyway.

Ko Vuto

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

The Kel Dor was honestly a little surprised Shan saw it that way. Having expected that he’d need to justify his views more to the pacifist Jedi. But clearly the green padawan was more of a realist than Ko initially presumed which he could greatly respect. Almost trying to justify their own principles instead. But he still had conviction in what he believed. Which was in many ways more important than being right, especially as a Force User.

“I see, although irrational, you’ve still projected those feelings onto Master Noble. I can understand that. Although I’d still urge you to still talk about this with your Master” Ko replied, seeing where Shan was coming from and not really judging him for that. Jonyna sort of filled a similar role for Ko as well. But given their less broad age difference was more like a big sister to Ko than a mother.

Ko listened to the mirialan teen express their appreciation for Cora. It wasn’t hard for him to imagine the two likely being close. As Cora and him both had Nobles as masters. “That’s good to hear. Sometimes all you need is the right person to put things in a better perspective. Maybe through advice or just sharing personal experiences.” Ko was thankful for having his own meditative outlets. Before getting a master he had plenty of time to develop his own hobbies. Like practicing Dorin calligraphy or caring for the diminutive tree in his dorm.

Looking out over the cityscape and at the speeders flying around overhead the Kel Dor spoke up. "I think it'd be neat to get a good airspeeder." The statement was a little out of left field, but the thought had been in Ko's head for a while. Something to give himself a lot more independent mobility without needing all the extra hassle that a space-worthy ship requires. And if it was small enough it could be easy to transport off world as well.

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan was not arrogant or foolish enough to think that his actions were the only way forward. In fact, if he thought like that, Shan would probably feel even better. It was because he doubted his own path, that he felt like he was struggling. Struggling to know what the right choice was. What the wrong choice was. It was exactly why he had been told to stop thinking. Don't focus on the future, or focus on the past. Focus on what you are going through right now. And Shan was going through a lot but once again, he had to focus on what was important in the moment. That was talking to Ko. Letting his frustrations out and letting someone else know about them, instead of keeping them in his mind.

"I'll speak to Master Noble about this eventually. It's just...I need to figure out how I want to word it for him. It's just something that's constantly in my mind right now. I can't afford to disappoint him. I know it's irrational, and that I won't actually disappoint him...but my father has just had a really strong impact on me." It was why the Mirialan worked so hard to try and be a caring person. He didn't want to be anything like his father and instead wanted to be someone people could look up to. Someone who could help put a smile on the faces of the people he met. Like one of those ridiculous heroes he saw on the holo-vids. He hadn't watched one for a long time, now that he thought about it. Maybe he should try to invite someone to go and see a holo-vid with him...It would be a good distraction if he was being honest to himself.

"Sharing personal experiences can do a lot I think. It helps to make sure you aren't alone in your thoughts. A problem shared is a problem halved...or is it a burden shared is a burden halved? I've never been too great with sayings if I'm honest." He broke out into a small smirk at that, shrugging his shoulders afterward as Shan ran a hand through his hair, listening to Ko talking about airspeeders out of the blue. That was a surprise to bring up in the conversation but it wasn't a terrible surprise. "I don't know really. I've never been a huge fan of airspeeders. Never been a huge fan of going fast. Honestly, I didn't expect to ever learn how to pilot a ship, if it wasn't for Master Noble...well, actually both Master Nobles, and their kids. They finally managed to convince me to learn how to pilot one."

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

“That’s good to hear Shan. Just don’t stress too much over trying to find the perfect way to phrase things. Since there is no perfect way to discuss something like that.” Shan also mentioned how their father left a big impression on him. Ko couldn’t really say he knew what that was like. His older brother was really the only person in his life that he could say has left much of an impact on him. But unlike the Mirialan, Ko wanted to be more like his older brother. Who was brave, loyal and principled. Unlike how he saw himself as more of a stubborn egghead.

Ko gave a soft chuckle from under his mask. “Personally I’ve always been quite fond of sayings and metaphors. Maybe I’m just a sucker for the more poetic way they can explain ideas on concepts.” The Kel Dor explained.

Ko gave Shan a quick look before replying. “Really? I feel like it’s an important skill to have under your belt. Jedi tend to be pretty well traveled after all. Then again Master Si doesn’t seem to know the first thing about piloting and navigation. Hehe, perhaps it is a little overrated huh?” He explained, detailing some of how Jonyna operated and one of her shortcomings.

 

[Shan Pavond]

Perfection wasn't always an option...Funnily enough, Ko had helped to give Shan more words that he needed. He couldn't always hope for the perfect option. Just what was the best option. What was best in his eyes...It was interesting now that he thought about it, leaning against the railing once more in thought. He was worried about being more like his father, but little did he know that Ko was looking forward to potentially being like his brother. To be fair, the Mirialan didn't even know the Kel Dor had a brother. Was Shan too emotional? The Padawan wasn't sure now, but he was starting to see things in a different light, now that he was able to get it out.

"Metaphors are great. I just don't get to have much use of them. I probably use them without even realising." He sighed, running his hand through his hair before moving his hand to his pocket, holding the pair of pendants he had bought at Eshan. They were technically a metaphor but he wasn't going to tell anyone that. Not yet at least. He had to wait. Wait until he saw her again.

Shan let out a small chuckle when Ko started to tell him how Jonyna wasn't great with piloting, and the Mirialan shrugged his shoulders. "I'm...somewhat decent now I think. Not a master, far from it but I would be comfortable in a dogfight. Well, not actually comfortable, but you know what I mean." He broke out into a grin at that, sighing afterwards.

Ko Vuto

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: Coruscant
Tags: Shan Pavond

“I get what you mean. Not really comfortable but you feel confident that you could hold your own. It’s hard to imagine anyone being “comfortable” in a life or death situation like that.” Ko never really doubted his abilities behind a control stick, but he still shuddered at the idea of aerial and space combat. Despite being in a dogfight before and performing rather well for himself.

Suddenly there was a beeping that could be heard and Ko began to pat around the jumpsuit he was wearing. Eventually pulling out a small datapad and putting an end to the beeping. “Well I’ll be… Funny how I just mentioned this. Seems like Master Si is summoning me back to her now.” Ko explained before pocketing the datapad again and looking back to Shan.

“I’mma need to head out now Mr. Pavond. I hope what I’ve said here helps at least a little bit. Wasn’t really how I saw my evening going. But I’m sure whatever happen next for you, you’ll do fine.” Ko said, trying to give the Mirialan some parting words of encouragement. Certain that with how mindful Shan seemed he’d know what was best for him.