Not Dead Yet
Hi guys. I know some of you have noticed my behavior this last week—from going on break, coming back, going back on break, and temporarily wiping my profile—and you guys are probably wondering if I’m out of my god damn mind.
I was out of my god damn mind. And I’m gonna try and explain why.
I’ve spent the last two or three weeks in and out of the hospital for my grandmother. I say “two or three weeks” because I genuinely can’t recall the time frame—that’s how long I’ve been in and out of the hospital, and that’s how little sleep I’ve gotten this last month. And I was doing this on top of (mostly) maintaining my attendance at my full time job, as well as being the caretaker for my terminally ill mother.
Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away just past midnight on Thursday morning, after she had previously been expected to recover. It’s not the first time I’ve lost family. Unfortunately, I’ve lost a lot. But there’s a big difference between being told that someone has passed, and being in the room and watching someone you love take their final breath.
It’s not a sight I’ll ever forget.
Also, I had to put my cat down later that afternoon (turns out cats have their own form of AIDS, who knew?). Which only rubbed salt in the wound.
I recognize I’m oversharing at this point. I’m sorry for that: I’m not particularly comfortable with sharing that much of my personal life either, especially something that dark. But my erratic behavior this last week hasn’t just been crazy and unstable, it’s also upset and hurt people I’m awfully fond of.
And while I won’t hide behind what’s happened to me this last week to dodge the blame or responsibility for my actions, they at least deserve to know why I was so out of sorts. And any of my friends here who have watched me this last week and thought “what the fuck is Gatz on?” deserve to know why too. Now you know.
The funeral is tomorrow morning. Once I’m home, and Mom is settled for the day, I intend to start getting back into the swing of things—though slowly. It might not have seemed this way this last week, but writing on this site is one of the few pleasures I have the time to allow myself, and I do enjoy it. And I hope, despite my missteps this last week, you guys will continue to enjoy it with me.
But before I sign off to get some sleep, I want to take a quick moment to thank
Valery Noble
and
Corazona von Ascania
. I know it might seem small in comparison to what I’ve been dealing with these last few weeks, but your posts to me were quite literally the only moments of reprieve I had while dealing with all of this. And that means more to me than I can express in words. Thank you.
And to everyone else, I’m sorry, and thank you for putting up with me this last week.
I was out of my god damn mind. And I’m gonna try and explain why.
I’ve spent the last two or three weeks in and out of the hospital for my grandmother. I say “two or three weeks” because I genuinely can’t recall the time frame—that’s how long I’ve been in and out of the hospital, and that’s how little sleep I’ve gotten this last month. And I was doing this on top of (mostly) maintaining my attendance at my full time job, as well as being the caretaker for my terminally ill mother.
Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away just past midnight on Thursday morning, after she had previously been expected to recover. It’s not the first time I’ve lost family. Unfortunately, I’ve lost a lot. But there’s a big difference between being told that someone has passed, and being in the room and watching someone you love take their final breath.
It’s not a sight I’ll ever forget.
Also, I had to put my cat down later that afternoon (turns out cats have their own form of AIDS, who knew?). Which only rubbed salt in the wound.
I recognize I’m oversharing at this point. I’m sorry for that: I’m not particularly comfortable with sharing that much of my personal life either, especially something that dark. But my erratic behavior this last week hasn’t just been crazy and unstable, it’s also upset and hurt people I’m awfully fond of.
And while I won’t hide behind what’s happened to me this last week to dodge the blame or responsibility for my actions, they at least deserve to know why I was so out of sorts. And any of my friends here who have watched me this last week and thought “what the fuck is Gatz on?” deserve to know why too. Now you know.
The funeral is tomorrow morning. Once I’m home, and Mom is settled for the day, I intend to start getting back into the swing of things—though slowly. It might not have seemed this way this last week, but writing on this site is one of the few pleasures I have the time to allow myself, and I do enjoy it. And I hope, despite my missteps this last week, you guys will continue to enjoy it with me.
But before I sign off to get some sleep, I want to take a quick moment to thank
Valery Noble
and
Corazona von Ascania
. I know it might seem small in comparison to what I’ve been dealing with these last few weeks, but your posts to me were quite literally the only moments of reprieve I had while dealing with all of this. And that means more to me than I can express in words. Thank you.And to everyone else, I’m sorry, and thank you for putting up with me this last week.
if you need to talk I’m a good listener. My prayers are with you and your family.