Private Show Me Going

[Ara Sheridan]

NABOO | SHIRAYA'S SANCTUARY
TAGS: Colette

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BELAYA NOCH​

She insisted on linking up with the Naboo Order after meeting with Jasper. Was it a good call to be clocking in already? She wasn't sure, but lately she wasn't sure of many things. Nightmares still plagued her, shadows in the corner of her vision still made her jump. She told herself that it was nothing, that she was fine to be in the field again. Jasper insisted that she wasn't, he was usually right about these sort of things.

She pressed on in any case.

The New Jedi Order was long gone, the second home she ever had was up in flames. First it was Kashyyyk, then Coruscant, now she stood in yet another temple surrounded by unfamiliar people. Her reception was as polite as one could expect, though nobody seemed too sure of what to make of the ragged Jedi. Her hair had grown back a bit, at least reaching her neck again, but scars still littered her body and her cheeks had yet to regain their puffy nature. Her robes were brand new, courtesy of Jasper, but the Zabrak wearing them looked weathered. If it wasn't for the lightsaber on her belt, they would likely have thought her a beggar or something. They told her that the grandmaster was busy but a council member would meet with her.

Many unfamiliar faces. Strangers surrounded her. A reminder of how few of them remained.

She excused herself and took up residence in one of the meditation chambers... at least, she figured that was the purpose. Everything was lively and serene on Naboo, nothing had changed in the twenty years since her last visit as a padawan. The silence was getting to her as the waiting dragged on. It probably wasn't too long of a wait, but she felt as if it was taking hours. She dug through her handful of belongings and pulled her old guitar from its weathered case. It looked like its owner, beaten and battered with more scratches than was probably acceptable. But it still played true and it held firm.

Her role model...

Seated on one of the benches, Ara's calloused fingers danced along the strings as she decided on a tune. She decided on an old tune she always came back to. But her notes were wrong. A melancholy tune meant to invoke certain emotions came out harsh and angry, adding to the growing frustration within the Knight. Grief, guilt, rage, regret, her heart poured into her music and it could be heard. She finally stopped as a tear hit the guitar and drew her attention from the instrument. A breath, a wipe at her eyes, she composed herself and started again. Slowly she got back into what it was supposed to sound like.

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

One of the older padawans pointed Colette towards the meditation chambers. A hallway lined with rooms of varying sizes, all soundproofed to avoid unwanted noises from disturbing the experienced and inexperienced alike trying to find their center.

The sound of the guitar playing flooded the hallways for a moment as the doors opened but quickly cut off once the door closed behind Colette. She looked around the room for a moment before she approached the Zabrak who was playing and gave her a gentle bow of her head.

"You've got a good sound." She said and offered a smile. "Moody, but not self-indulgent."

Oh, right, no names given yet. Colette cleared her throat at the faux-pas and offered another bow.

"Quartermaster Colette Noble. I was told you wanted to meet with someone from the council."

 

[Ara Sheridan]

Ara's playing slowed and finally stopped when her fellow Jedi entered. A sheepish smile couldn't be stopped at the compliment. She was never any good at accepting compliments. "I try." She remarked, setting the guitar aside to face the Jedi. She introduced herself and gave a bow, which Ara quickly returned. "Knight Ara Sheridan." She introduced herself, a degree of hesitation in her voice.

She studied Colette for what was likely a socially inappropriate time as she tried to find the right words. What needed to be said and what didn't? "Yes, I... I'm with the New Jedi Order." She finally admitted. "I just got out the Core a few weeks ago. Figured I'd need to report in, tell people I'm still alive, but I don't know who to talk to. Everything's a little... unfamiliar here." She explained with a careful voice. Luckily she was dealing with the Quartermaster of the Jedi Order, so getting the formalities out of the way was likely not going to take too long.

She straightened her posture and adjusted a lock of hair behind one of her horns. "I... haven't been debriefed yet, but I am medically cleared for field duty and I'm rested." She declared with trained professionalism, even though Colette would likely see that it wasn't what Ara was used to.

The quicker she could get cleared by the Quartermaster, the quicker she could get back into the field. Even now her ears ached, a ringing pressure persisted in the silence around them. A shadow caught her attention, but she held her stance.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

New Jedi Order? Colette frowned. The New Jedi Order hadn't existed for a long while now. It wasn't unheard of that a few members would resurface every once in a while, but to have only just resurfaced from the Core carried with it a heavy implication.

How much of that time was survival? Surely word of the galaxy must have reached Sheridan somehow. Then again, it was safer not to assume. Colette's brows sunk and she put a hand to her chin.

"Well, we would most likely need to verify that. Somehow." She began. "What do you know so far?"

"Has anyone filled you in on what happened to the Alliance? The Jedi Order, Farworld Alliance, any of it?"

 

[Ara Sheridan]

The Zabrak's green gaze never left Colette, watching and feeling what the Quartermaster thought of Ara's explanation. She gave a quiet nod as Colette hoped for some kind of verification. She asked Ara about what she knew and the Zabrak's gaze wavered. Instead of looking at Colette, Ara was staring through her in contemplation.

"I know the Alliance is gone." She answered flatly, almost curtly. She caught herself, at least, raising a hand in silent apology. "When the Alliance fell, I stayed in the Core to help maintain stability. I was primarily operating in Underworld, but I did venture to other nearby planets where the discourse was getting out of hand. When the Imperials moved in and war broke out, I began to tie up loose ends and search for other Jedi that hadn't made it out yet." She took a breath and sat down on the bench, idly staring at the floor beneath her.

"I... I know the New Jedi Order is gone." Her words were heavy, unable to explain the full weight of it all for her. "When the... the persecution began, I was cut off and had to resort to more drastic measures to secure a way out." Her voice began to tremble, a hurricane of emotions forming in her heart. It was a disgustingly simplified explanation of what happened, they both knew it, yet she tried her best to maintain her posture as she spoke. "I managed to get out and link up with Jedi Master Jasper Kai'el and learn of what happened to the other Jedi." She took a deep breath and looked back at Colette.

She was silent for a moment, fighting to hold it together. "I know the Jedi Order has split. Some in the Unknown Regions with Master Kai'el and the Farworld Alliance, most of them here on Naboo with the High Republic. That is why I hoped to speak with a current councilmember." She tried to grant a smile, but it was a lost cause. She stood again to face Colette. "Where does the Order need me?" She asked.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

There was a storm beneath her skin. Colette generally tried not to dig into the force to detect the intention of others, but even so she felt the winds brush against her own presence. The way she looked at her wasn't anything new either. Or rather, the way she didn't seem to look at Colette in the slightest. Ara wasn't present on this plane until she wanted to be.

Worrying.

"Jasper is a good man." Colette said and nodded. Her back straightened, tight fists planted firmly against the low of her back. "I wouldn't say we split though. We still share the same code but rely on different methods."

"I'll just say it. Are you sure that you're ready for duty, Sheridan?" Colette asked rather bluntly, there was no need to beat around the bush on that. "You're still showing signs of exhaustion and I can sense the turmoil beneath your skin."

"How long ago was 'a few weeks' and what have you done so far to wind down from the stress you endured in the Core?"

 

[Ara Sheridan]

The decorum finally came down and Colette asked the proper questions. It was sudden and hard, Ara frowned and nearly snapped at the Knight but luckily swallowed her words to think over what Colette said. What had she done since getting out of the Core? What steps were taken to heal and come back from the dark hole she was in?

Nothing came to mind.

Meditation did little to calm her, she was too distracted to focus on training, all she had to keep her company in her solitude and in the dead of night was her own dark thoughts. Painful memories and scenarios where she believed she could have done more. Could have saved someone. Could have driven the Sith back to get people to safety.

The Darkness called, she could feel its sickening tendrils trying to worm into her. Ever since it happened, she was fighting back to keep it at bay, to not give into the temptation it promised. She wanted to think that it saved her, but she couldn't answer that question for herself with confidence.

Her mind returned to reality. She looked down at her shaking hands and fought to slow her breathing. Hollow, green eyes looked back at Colette before Ara dropped back onto the bench. She bit at her lip, fought back the tears and guilt and anger. Fought to shove it all down to the best of her abilities. "I'm fine, Quartermaster." Her voice was cold and hollow, shivering with every word. Nails dug into her palms with clenched fists, knuckles turning white under the pressure.

"We're Jedi, there's more important things to worry about than my feelings..." She looked back at Colette, her hardened scowl interrupted for a brief moment by a shadow that wasn't there. Her ears rang and her throat tightened, breath caught while her mind screamed at her. "... I'm fine." A breathless voice laced with a panic barely contained.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

No, she wasn't. Colette's brows sunk deeper as Sheridan insisted she was ready for duty. Duty to do what exactly? She thought. Kill herself? No, that wouldn't do.

"I can see that you're clearly not present for half of what you're saying." Colette countered. "You're fading in and out of your memories, the anger beneath your skin is surfacing in a way that seems more likely to control you than you control it."

"This isn't about emotions, it's about giving yourself the chance to unwind and go through your head. Everyone has to do that, and so do you. I can feel your seams coming apart, Ara. We have the resources to help you get on your feet, you don't even have to stay beyond that — but at least give yourself some time to come down to earth again."

 

[Ara Sheridan]

For the first time in the entire conversation, Ara looked at Colette with purpose. A scowl hardened and a hand shot out to grab hold of Colette's collar. "Kark you, sis." She snapped, shoving her back. Everything was boiling over as Ara's breathing intensified. "I didn't karkin' survive down there for months just to be patronised by you." She seethed, a hand shooting to her hip where a blaster no longer hung.

"Come down. Come down, come... I ain't some kriffin' junkie, dammit!" She practically barked at Colette. Her hand shifted to her lightsaber, not to grab it but to instead shelter it from the Quartermaster. They weren't going to take her weapon, she wouldn't allow it. A stench rolled in, only smelled by her, the walls closed in and fire filled her vision. She was no longer on Naboo...

Movement caught her attention behind her. Her weapon snapped to her palm and ignited, the unstable blade bathing them in a green hue as Ara spun to defend herself against the enemy. She held her stance, shaking in fear but still ready to fight. She was all alone, cut off and hunted until she could no longer run. They found her, their troops were closing in, her body burned from grazing shots and exhaustion.

A bird flew away.

Ara's shoulders slumped, but she didn't back down. The crackling blade extinguished but the hilt was ready to move. Tears crept down her cheeks. "I'm not weak. I'm not..." A sob cut her off and she stumbled back, nearly losing her balance.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

Collar: grabbed. Colette: shoved.

The councilor stumbled backwards with a grunt and prepared herself for a follow up. When nothing came of it she straightened her back and let her fists uncurl.

A shiver ran down her spine, goosebumps spread across her skin but she shook it all off. Colette kept her eyes on the injured wolf and did her best to remember her training for these type of situations.

Sudden shift in tone, defensiveness, dissociation, it had all been right there and she hadn't seen it. The next step was distance. Colette raised her hands in front of her and slowly shifted her position to step away from Ara and to block the door.

"Ara…" She began, voice as soft as she could muster without being genuinely patronizing. "I am not going to hurt you."

"You've gone through a lot. You're not weak. You're not broken. What you're feeling is entirely normal."

"I misspoke, and that was my fault. What I want is to help you, but I chose the wrong way to talk to you, I'm sorry."

"Is there any way that I can help you which you feel okay with right now?"

 

[Ara Sheridan]

The Zabrak regained her balance and turned to look at Colette. She was further now, standing between her and the door to keep her contained like a wounded animal. Embarrassment was buried beneath annoyance but Ara couldn't do much in the moment. She fell backward, setting down on the ground while her back found the bench. Colette's voice was soft and caring, it almost had Ara fooled.

She was a stranger, she didn't know what happened or what was seen. Ara's face was buried in her palms as she fought to contain the fury that was brewing within. "Help me, huh?" She muttered with a hollow chuckle. She was dying for a smoke. She had quit years ago, somehow never picked it up again despite everything that happened. She was sorely regretting that decision in the moment.

"Help me? We can't save lives, we can't help the people they butchered... but we can help me, right?" She shook her head, arms resting on her knees. Hollow eyes looked up at Colette as the lightsaber was set beside the zabrak. "How do you want to help me?" She muttered with a cracking voice. "You know what would be real wizard? If we could help the people we swore to protect. The families... strung up from lamp poles. The Jedi... hunted down and... the people who helped 'em." Her head sunk with a scoff.

She sniffed, feeling empty in a way she hadn't felt in decades. "Maybe I ain't hundred percent yet." She gave a broken smile as she looked to Colette again, silently praying that her fellow Knight somehow had a magic answer at the ready.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

There was still tension in Sheridan's jaw that would betray her rage if the force hadn't already. It was far more common for Jedi to be this way than many seemed to realize. Always measuring their performance against an unachievable good. Never stepping back to ask themselves if what they wanted was even possible. And the worst part was the good intentions that weighed the feelings down.

But, there was a saying about good intentions. Ara of all people most likely didn't need to be reminded of it given the road she'd traveled to get here.

Colette knelt down on both of her knees in front of Sheridan. Close enough to be present, distant enough to not get hit. She placed her hands on her thighs and nodded as the Knight began to retell parts of the horrors she had seen.

"You don't have to be." Colette smiled. "Right now it's enough to give yourself a moment to breathe."

The councilor let in a deep breath almost as if to illustrate how.

"The anger you feel won't magically go away." She continued. "But if you let people help it can go away faster than if you try to go it alone."

"We have beds, food, and training equipment here. No-one will force you to stay, but we— I would feel a lot better knowing that you took a few days to let yourself unwind and process some of what has happened. After that, if there is somewhere you've got to be, then I respect that."

 

[Ara Sheridan]

Ara scoffed again and wiped at her eyes as she watched Colette kneel in front of her. She knew what the Jedi was doing and even appreciated it deep down. It was hard to believe that she was sincere with her words, as likely as it was. It took years for the zabrak to soften her hardened heart and all of that progress was shattered with everything she had seen.

But Colette was right. Jasper told her the same, it was fine to take a step back and recover despite Ara's frustration about it. It was an old habit, hiding her own vulnerability and weakness behind tall walls. It cost her very dear friendships and nearly ruined her chances of becoming a Jedi in the past, and now it was threatening to do the same again. It kept her safe in the past and it kept her safe when she was fighting for her life, when she had nobody else to rely on except herself.

But just like she had done so many years ago, it was perhaps a good idea to let those walls down again. If only for a little while.

"I don't think you really care that much, but..." She nodded. "You're right. At the very least I'll feel better if I try to sleep." She remarked with a faint grin threatening to break through. "Never been good at askin' for help. Can't afford to be weak. But I'm no use to anyone right now." She held a hand out to Colette, silently asking to be helped up.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Ara Sheridan

Sleep was a funny concept. It tended to elude someone who wanted it and was more like something that just happened. Colette slept well enough lately, but it had been a while since she'd gotten well-rested.

She took the hand when it was offered and raised Ara to her feet.

"You're right, I most likely don't care as much as you think I might be." Colette admitted. "But that doesn't mean I don't care at all. I have the resources to help and you need a safe place to catch your breath."

"I'll take you to a free room and let the others know we have a guest. No need to decide if you want to stay or leave just yet."

She beckoned for the knight to follow. It'd be a small walk through the courtyard.