Private Right Where It Belongs

[Colette]

It had been a short while now since Colette and Reina had gotten back to their homes at the temple. Training had been held off given all that had happened. At least until the rhythm of daily life felt more bearable and until Reina felt a little more comfortable in her own skin again.

For Colette it had been a few weeks of silence. The severity of what had happened left her even more silent than usual. Where did they go from here, and was Reina technically a sithspawn now or did that even matter?

Most answers pointed to no. There was no stopping this, and even if it was all reversible it begged the question if it should be. It would be difficult to be so utterly transformed only for someone else to try and revert it all back.

Reina was a new being now. To deny that by focusing on training as if nothing had happened would be ignorant at best and cruel at worst. What Reina needed now was direction. Everest and the rest were more than capable of providing the softer angle that Colette didn’t care as much for. Instead she was more than happy to provide Reina with a more grounded perspective.

There would be no fight against reality, only acceptance that what happened had happened. That was how they would get through this.

The door opened and snapped Colette from the captivity of her own thoughts. She looked up at Reina, her gaze lingering for a few moments on the new scales that marked her transformation. A flicker of guilt crossed her face, pulling her lips into a brief frown before she masked it with a soft smile and a nod — an invitation to take a seat.

Colette waved her hand by her side, shifted a thumbs-up forward, then touched her chest and shifted her hand in an arc to the left. < Hello, good morning. >

After that she held both hands flat in front of her stomach. She raised them to her chest and then folded each hand into a thumbs up that moved to either side of her chest. < How are you? >

She gave her apprentice an encouraging smile. There was a deep irony in this. Colette had planned to teach Reina sign language regardless of her transformation. This just meant that she had to expedite the lessons.

Reina Daival

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

Despair. That had been the main thing that had been going through Reina's mind since they had arrived back at the temple. Peace was not something that could pass her mind. The days had just been aimlessly wandering, mostly at Night since Reina didn't want to be seen. Not by anyone. It hurt too much to see herself.

It had required plenty of time and effort for Reina to even be able to walk. It didn't help that she wasn't used to having two legs anymore. She kept favouring one side which meant her leg was throbbing in pain. But she could deal with pain. Physical at least. It was something she had to stand up to. To get past. But it was so much easier said than done.

It was time for her to go and meet Colette however, and so that's what Reina did. Throwing her hood over her head to try and conceal herself, before shoving her hands into her robes to try and hide the clawed appendages. It turned out this was also going to be a good way for her to try and hide her presence through the Force as she stepped through the Temple, moving almost like a ghost sneaking in the dark. Then she arrived at the room, opening the door to spot Colette, giving her Master a short nod.

Reina had seen the flicker of guilt. She was much more aware of how people were reacting to her now. It was an unfortunate byproduct of the paranoia that had grown inside of Reina as she sat herself down, keeping her hands hidden beneath her robes pockets. She was going to need them to talk sooner or later, but the redhead was doing her best to try and focus on them. To will her hands to change like her legs could...but it was something she still couldn't wrap her head around. Shifting between her tail and legs was much easier than one would think. They both were suited for completely different purposes...but when it came between normal hands and clawed hands? Well...That was much difficult. She could use either to grab something.

The same could be said about Reina's scales. It's why she wore the robes of the Jedi that she had refused for so long. Purely as something for her to hide in. She knew she could get them to fade, like the other Ersansyr she had seen...but she didn't know. She didn't know anything. She had never felt so...weak as she felt in this moment. But that wasn't what she needed to focus on.

Instead her eyes flicked up to Colette, as Reina pulled out one clawed hand. She didn't even need to do any proper sign language to answer Colette's question on how she was doing. All Reina did was tilt her hand upside down, so that her thumb was pointing towards the ground. She was not doing well. Reina might have hid it from anyone else, but Colette was not someone she'd hide things from.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

A big fat thumbs down. Colette didn't need sign language to understand that one. She frowned for a moment but gave an understanding nod. This was just the start. There would be a lot more bad days in the coming months.

Colette pointed at Reina, moved her hands held flat down by her chest in a circle, and then spread her fingers like a firework with a wide smile on her lips. < You're doing great. >

It was hard not to notice the sadness in the other girl's lowered gaze. Colette rested her hands in her lap for a moment. She knew how to try and comfort Reina, but that wasn't what she thought the girl needed. Colette was her mentor, she owed it to her student to get her mind off of things.

She pointed at her apprentice for a moment. Then she pressed her thumb and ring finger together and swept her hand toward Reina. Holding her index and middle fingers apart, she brought them to her lips, tracing a circle in front of her with palms facing the student, brows raised in question, softening her expression. < You want to talk about anything? >

Despite how serious the situation was, some part of Colette still relished the fact that her experience with sign language was finally being validated.

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

Was she truly doing great? That was the main thought going on in Reina's mind. Was she even herself anymore? Was she still Reina deep down inside of her? That was too much for her to try and approach in this moment. Instead there was something else Reina wanted to approach. Something that was eating up inside of her, that was partly completely unrelated to what had happened to her.

She pulled her hands out from her robes and slowly went to work trying to sign. It was much harder than one might expect with claws, but she was slowly starting to do it, sticking her tongue out in concentration as her iridescent eyes staring at her hands. She carefully pointed off to the side before she then held both hands out flat, with her left hand facing the ground and her right hand facing the roof before she flipped them around.

<He's dead.>

And then she tried to do spelling with her hands, curling her fingers or using both hands to try and spell them out.

<Caltin.>

It had...surprisingly hit Reina harder than she had thought when she had found out about it. Reina had felt as if the Jedi Master didn't like her. Reina had never exactly been a good Jedi in his presence, and had always seemed rebellious. There was even that time when she had left instead of helping the people because of the Mandalorians.

<I wanted to make him proud. Prove that I can be a Jedi.>

Once again Reina went over the movements carefully, pointing at herself first, and then she held her hands out in front of her, pulling them towards her and past her shoulders, before pointing off in the same direction she had earlier when talking about Caltin being dead. Then she flipped her left hand up again so that the palm was facing the ceiling and then brought her right hand's finger along her hand. Her hands then moved to make an A shape, tapping it against her chest. Bringing it all to a close, as she brought both her fists down towards her chest before mimicking a lightsaber.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

The death of Caltin had been a big loss. Colette had never interacted with him much but she knew that he was well-respected amongst their peers. The old man had seen a lot in his days and the fact that Reina wanted to either be like him or be liked by him was something Colette would take as a good sign. Inspiring as it might have been, she also saw a deeper truth in her apprentice's words.

Colette drew a circle with her index finger. She held her hands flat, palms down, and shifted them to her right. Then she pointed both palms upward, facing one another, with a slight shake. She signed a target, movement, and unfairness. Or to be more precise: < You are moving the goal post. >

Another sigh parted Colette's lips, her eyes softening before she shook her head.

"He was a good man." Colette eventually said out loud to break the silence between them. Signing lessons were over for now. "But you never needed his approval to be a Jedi."

"Even less so now that he's dead." And that was the truth, brutal as it was. "You can respect him. You can mourn him for what he was. But at the end of the day you can never ever measure who you are against someone else. Not even Caltin."

"I know I've said it before, but I really need you to hear it. We're going to find a way, together, to help you become the person you want to be."

Colette held her breath for a moment to let a beat pass before she moved on.

"How has exercise been going for you? Did the ones we thought about earlier help at all with transforming?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

It wasn't moving the goal posts. Not to Reina. Caltin had been an actual Jedi. He had died doing something important. Reina had been stuck on some backwaters planet, where she nearly took her own life out of a selfish desire that she thought was noble. She could never match up to any of them. She didn't know who or what she wanted to be anymore. So much had been broken and torn apart...She was lost. She didn't have a lighthouse to guide her. Some kind of beacon. Not even a compass that would help her through it all...

"N...No...They...They haven't."

Reina's voice came out, forced almost. She was doing her best not to use it. But if signing lessons were over...She'd have to do her best to talk. Reina trusted Colette not to be affected by her voice, especially since she already knew about it...but it still felt wrong to Reina to talk. Like her voice was tainted. Ruined forever.

"I just...I can't focus on it. I know why. I don't...want to face it. But I have to..."

There was a lot Reina didn't want to face. Her change. The fact that the closest person she had to a partner was potentially dead. The fact she couldn't even bring herself to see her family anymore, out of fear they'd see her as a monster.

"I'm...scared. Of myself. Of what's going on. Am I still me? What if there's something we missed? What if something about me was twisted, fundamentally?"

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

It was perfectly logical to be afraid of yourself in Reina's shoes. Most people are born and raised in one body and learn how their body works through the years. To go through that only to be forced into a completely new body was bound to make anyone more than just a little scared.

Although the apprentice's words sang straight to Colette's soul she still wouldn't back down from talking to Reina in the way she felt was the most warranted.

"Reina…" Colette said and reached out to hold her student's hands. "You are still you. It isn't the you that you grew up with but it's still the you that is, well… You."

"We checked with all our healers and doctors. If there is anything we've missed it must be buried deep within you, and I know that isn't the case." Colette squeezed her padawan's hands and let them go. "If the worst were to happen — which it won't — I'll still be here, just like last time."

"You are not twisted. You are still Reina Daival, and you are still my apprentice. "Right now, that's enough. The rest can come as we go, okay? But we still have to move forward."

"You are strong enough to do that. I know you are."

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

"I feel like...I'm regressing. Maybe not as a person...but my strength. I'm not strong anymore...I'm not like how I used to be..."

Reina clenched her fists around her robes near her knees, her claws indirectly slicing into the material as she was doing her best to try and control herself. Colette believed in her. Everest believed in her. Those who are important to her believed in her. So why couldn't she believe in herself?

"I...I remind myself of Eve...when I first met her...when I nearly slapped her...If I could slap myself...I would."

It was ironic in a way. Whilst Reina felt like Everest had grown as a person, grown as a Jedi and became stronger, Reina felt like the opposite had happened for herself. She was being left behind. Getting weaker and weaker. Unable to win a fight, or protect anyone. She couldn't even protect herself. It was almost even more ironic however, that as much as Reina wanted to be stronger, that she wanted to be more powerful, she still did not even look towards the Dark Side as being something to help her.

"I just...don't know...I'm lost. I don't know where to go."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

There was a fine line between the truths of introspection and turning yourself into a maudlin mess. Reina was approaching the latter at an alarming rate. Part of Colette wanted to take her gloves off, but a shouting match wouldn't do either of them any good. Instead she slowly crossed her arms and leaned back just a little from Reina.

"So?" She asked and raised her brows to challenge Reina. "Are you going to let yourself stay lost forever or are you going to try and map out your space?"

"You won't get anywhere unless you actually look at where you are, what you have, and start making plans." Colette continued and slowly rose from her seated position until she was kneeling in front of her apprentice. "If you can't trust yourself, your feelings, or the people around you, then put your trust in something else."

"Alright, we're changing the topic. When things look bleak you have to look at what you have, what you need, and where to find it." It was a fiery hypothetical and one that Colette loved. "You are stranded in a jungle with no one around. There is no civilization around for at least a few miles."

"What do you need to survive here, Reina?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

"...Survival or rescue?"

It was a genuine question from Reina, as she lifted her head for a moment, frowning in thought. Both required a different set of choices. Survival meant staying where she was, trying to live off the land. Rescue meant trying to find people. Get to civilization. Like Colette had said in this hypothetical however, civilization was a few miles away at the very least...

If anything however, it was getting Reina's mind off this track right now. Thinking about the hypothetical as she stared down at the floor, frowning in concentration. What would she do? Well. Realistically...There was no way she'd just stay where she was. It might have been the smartest move, but Reina had never been the smartest person in the Galaxy.

"If I was staying in place, Shelter would be the first thing to find. If I was trying to find civilization however, water would be the first choice. Both to keep myself hydrated, but also to try and follow it towards civilization. It'd also potentially be a steady source of food, either from fish...or if there's any animals that want to drink..."

Honestly, fishing would be easier than ever for Reina now...and if she was looking for shelter? She could probably hide in a river now...That was honestly a strange thought for her to have but it made her even chuckle for a moment. More often than not, a river would be a danger because of drowning risks...but that wasn't something she had to worry about...

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Survival or rescue wasn't the point but luckily, Reina moved on. Colette watched the metaphorical floodlights of Reina's poor self-esteem flicker off. In their place ignited a small candle which focused on a question that was all too relevant for what Colette was trying to say.

What her apprentice brought up was indeed the basics of survival. Water, shelter and food were important and laid the foundation for everything that helped a person survive. Colette shuffled a little as she listened to Reina think and reason her way through the hypothetical. That it made her apprentice chuckle meant they were finally getting somewhere..

"Most creatures need water to live, very good." Colette said and nodded in approval. "That's food and water taken care of. How do you find or build a shelter?"

"But remember, the jungle is wide and full of all kinds of life. How does that change things?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

"It doesn't. Worrying about everything that is in the Jungle would be a recipe for disaster. You could spend hours upon hours planning on what could happen if you encounter a certain creature, only to never come across it."

Ironically, the message might have been lost on Reina as she went over it. Of course, Colette did have a point. Reina would have be to careful of predators, but the plan of attack was the same no matter what. Find shelter, somewhere safe and secure from threats. Be it a cave in the mountains, or for Reina's case now, a small crevice beneath the river water...

"Nature is always the best way to find shelter. So are your senses. If you can hear birdsong, it's safe to assume the area is somewhat safe. Otherwise there might be a bigger threat around. Shelter needs to be able to protect you from the elements and the wild...Of course, fire can help protect against animals, but there's the risk of the fire going out of control...and if I'm sheltering under water, the fire method wouldn't work..."

She frowned to herself, still staring off in concentration. Her mind was completely busy with this task in mind, that she couldn't even think about what she was panicking over in the first place...

"...Of course, my voice could be used as a defensive tool under water with screeching...So I'd have some viable defensive method"

And even then, she was thinking of parts of her change as a tool to use, instead of a curse to bear...Of course, only because it was a hypothetical. In reality, it was doubtful that she'd think of it as anything else than a curse. Though she'd only ever know if she was in that situation.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

The power of hypotheticals was a funny thing. CColette usually disliked hypotheticals — they rarely connected to reality. But this one was different. It wasn't asking Reina what life as a bird might be like, or which of her two sons she would save. No, this was real, a perfect analogy for the challenge in front of her.

She was already approaching things at new angles, and that was exactly what Colette wanted to see.

"A-ha!" Colette exclaimed and pointed at her student. It wasn't often Colette let herself get this animated, but her excitement slipped through despite herself. "See that? Right there."

"Your voice as a tool." The teacher chuckled and rested her forearms on top of her knee. "What else can you think of?"

"You're going to sleep by the fire. A predator approaches your fire. What do you do?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

Reina tilted her head at the sudden burst of excitement from Colette, a small frown forming on her face as she tried to figure out why her master was getting that excited over anything. She shook her head afterwards, preparing to carry on with the hypothetical.

"Yes. My voice as a tool. This is a hypothetical. Things that wouldn't actually happen. They rarely match up with what would actually happen."

Then there was the point of the predator coming towards the fire...and Reina frowned once more in deep thought, holding her chin in thought, trying to figure out what would be a good answer.

"...Well. The obvious answer would be to try and protect myself. To use the fire in some way to get it to back off...but if it is still approaching, even with my fire going...there is the off chance that it could be sick. Even if is something that may want to eat me...It is still a living being. I'd want to make sure it's alright."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

And just like that they were back to it. Colette's hand fell limp over her knee and she let out a dejected sigh. They had been so close to solidifying something. Reina almost had the first few pieces of the tools that would help her handle her new situation.

"Very good." Colette said, her smile softening ever so slightly. "But I want you to give this hypothetical a chance."

"You won't know for sure if your voice can be used as a tool or not until you give it a try. Just like you won't be able to determine if a hunting predator is sick or desperate until only one of you is left standing."

Colette pushed her hand against her leg and stood back on her feet. She gave her student a thoughtful smile for a moment before she extended a hand to help her stand up as well. It didn't matter if the hand was clawed or not. She was still Colette's student and she would help her no matter what. The rescue had to be proof of that much by now.

"We're going to start practicing using your voice underwater." Colette said and wiped her hand on her thigh once their hands unlatched from one another. "That's your starting spot. That's what we base everything else around."

"After that we focus on your claws. I'm talking defense, climbing, we'll test all their limits." Colette was getting serious now. This wasn't excitement, this was a list of orders. "You might resent me some days, but the time for moping is over."

"Your emotions are valid as long as we don't get stuck in them. If we can't work with them, we will work through them."

All that remained was the most important question of all:

"Are you with me, Reina?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

"I am giving it a chance. I'm saying what I'd hypothetically do. But hypothetics are not reality. They're stories. Imagination. Like stories about being a Knight, protecting people behind a shield."

Even now, that was still...a small childish dream of Reina's, that hadn't been fully extinguished. The idea of protecting people behind her with a shield held ahead of herself. It was something that she still dreamed off, though she was getting to the point that she was trying to forget about that dream. It was just holding her back at the end of the day.

Taking Colette's hand, Reina pulled herself up, folding her arms along her front as she watched her Master get serious. These made sense as things to work on. Limits to test. Reina didn't want to do anything of this...but she knew she didn't have a choice. Well...That was wrong. With Colette, Reina had a choice. But she didn't want to disappoint her master. Not whatsoever.

"...I've already learned that my tolerance for alcohol has dropped. Trust me. I learned from experience."

At first, Reina had tried to turn towards the tried and true method of drinking for her, but with how much of a kick the beverages had now...Reina had practically sworn off drinking. At least as something to help her cope with things. That wasn't important right now however. What was important was Colette's question. Was Reina with her?

"...Of course I'm with you. Otherwise I wouldn't be here."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

A proud smile spread on Colette's lips when Reina confirmed that she was still with her. She gave her student a happy pat on the shoulder and quickly fell into thought.

They'd need to find somewhere with a lot of water. Preferably real water, not a so-called 'clean' chlorinated pool. If not that then the ocean was wide and full of horrors. That left lakes as the safest bet. Colette put her hand on her hip and shot a curious glance over at her student.

"Would you prefer warm or cold water when training?" she asked and let her eyes wander around the room in thought. "Would you need saltwater or freshwater? Does it matter?"

"There are some good lakes on Eshan if you prefer the cold."

Colette hooked her finger to her chin. Her eyes squinted as she considered one more option. One she didn't enjoy the prospects of but a place she wanted to see nonetheless.

"... Ruusan if we're willing to risk the Syndicate…"

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Colette

"Either temperature works for me. If it's too cold, I'm sure I can make some adjustments to my diving suit to accommodate my tail.

She wasn't really fussed with the temperature and she als ogave a small shrug of her shoulders at the mentioning of saltwater or freshwater.

"Neither of those matter either. I seem to be decent with most water. Eshan could work. There's a few nice lakes on Naboo. I've watched them for a bit. I used to go fishing on Manaan and Mon Cala...but Mon Cala is in Imp space now..."

Fortunately, Reina didn't even entertain the idea of Ruusan. She already had ideas in her mind. Eshan would be good for cold training, whereas Naboo was decent for some luke warm training. It was all just...normal for Reina at the end of the day now. She was thinking of places she'd go swimming in normally. It was fortunate that she was already a water lover before this change...otherwise this would have been a much more dreadful experience.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >