Private Opening Doors | Smeg

[Jacquetta Janvrin]

A waitress slammed down another round of drinks and fried something-or-other for the table. There were four there, sitting in a semi-circular, high-backed booth that was more patch than original leatherette. There was a chorus of rowdy thanks to the waitress as the patrons, varying numbers of sheets to the wind, took their drinks. "I don't believe it," said Crisp. "A rat? You expect us to believe that?"

"It was the damnedest thing," Jacquetta told her drinking companion. "Swear to God."

"Where was this elevator, anyway?" Crisp asked skeptically.

"Doesn't matter," JJ said drunkenly. "Doesn't matter. Was just a kriffing elevator. Could have been anywhere. I've been in dozens of elevators. Maybe hundreds. But this one... hoo, boy."

+ + +

The Elevator
Shut up, Crisp, it doesn't matter where
No, it doesn't! He's probably not still there?
Emperor's Black Bones, Crisp, I don't remember, I'm kriffing drunk!
I'm telling the story, damn it

Now, where was I? Oh - right.

+ + +

The Elevator
Someplace
Midmorning, I think
​

Jacquetta stepped into the elevator, slinging her backpack over her shoulder so that her hands were free to push the appropriate buttons. She pushed the button, and -- it doesn't kriffing matter what she was wearing, Crisp, so why don't you shut your face? Fine, if it will make you shut your face, yes. She was in a trenchcoat and five-inch stilettos and nothing else. Keep your hands where we can see them, Crisp, and you're also getting the next round. No, TWO rounds.

So she gets in this elevator, right? And she's the only one on the elevator. Or so she thinks. So Jacquetta pushed the button and the elevator doors closed and the elevator rocketed up. And then it stopped, and Jacquetta stumbled to her knees. A moment later, she pulled herself up to her feet using the metal rail that formed the perimeter of the elevator. "What the hell?" she asked no one in particular and went to the control panel to push the key again. Nothing happened - the button didn't light up, the car didn't move, nothing. "What the hell?" she repeated and pushed the 'call for help' button.

Nothing. No light. No response.

And of course, her comlink signal was jammed from being inside a metal car in a metal tube.

"Kriff," she said.

 

[Smeg]

It was the perfect hidey-hole.

Warm, dark and full of a hoard of snacks. Not the most conventional of dens, but it did the trick nicely. Smeg especially liked the way it rumbled, the sensation of going up and down gave his tummy a pleasant sort of turbulence that rocked his rampant gluttony to sleep.

There was a slight problem, however.

The aforementioned hoard of snacks? They were gone, even the crumbs were gone, even the wrappers were gone!

He had been awoken by the relaxing purr of the machinery around him, or more accurately, his stomach had been awoken. Post-nap hunger. His brain hadn't quite caught up yet, still half-asleep in his blessed elevator cradle. Paws slowly scrabbled outwards for the pile of already-devoured snacks, eyes afflicted by albinism unable to see anything in the darkness of his little hole.

The first thing grasped was what seemed to be candy. More specifically (at least in Smeg's mind) the wonderful waxy touch of a muja fruit lace.

It was not a muja fruit lace.

It was a wire.

Determined teeth only found this out as he began to gnaw his way through the apparent sweet. It did not taste good. It didn't quite feel good either. It was fizzy! Smeg jolted, as did the elevator as it came to a sudden halting stop. Still blind to the world around him but now slightly more awake, the rodent reached out to grab a second one, hoping that it would be a better flavour. Blech! Same again!

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool m-

He tried again, on a third wire, chewing through the inner-workings of the elevator (luckily only receiving moderate electric shocks in the process) before he finally gave up, and in his frustration hissed rather loudly.

“SMEG NOTZ LIKE DIS FLAVOUR BERRY MUCH!” his voice suddenly cried out from behind the ever-so-slightly askew control panel of the elevator.

Jacquetta Janvrin

 

[Jacquetta Janvrin]

Jacquetta ran her fingers along the line between the turbolift doors, then flexed them, trying to pull the doors apart. Yes, with her bare fingers, Crisp. This story would go a lot faster if you stopped interrupting unless you were ordering the next round - which, by the way, better be Ruby Bliels instead of whatever this swill is. Anyway - where were we? Right. Well, obviously with just her bare fingers, the doors didn't open. JJ Janvrin was a lot of things, but she wasn't the kind of person to have that kind of dexterity in just her fingertips.

Besides, she may have chipped a nail.

The young pilot tried one more flex, then sat stood back and huffed through her nostrils. "What the hell?" she muttered under her breath.

She looked around a little more, then her eyes traced up to the ceiling. She grimaced and stood on her tip-toes, her fingers finding purchase on the edge of the decorative panels that lined the elevator and pulled, lifting a leg to haul herself into a precarious standing position on the railing, her feet turned with the toes pointing outward like a ballerina. JJ reached upwards with her free hand towards the ceiling panels, looking to see if any of them would open.

Then something screamed from behind the control panel. JJ startled and lost her balance, crashing to the flood, and after pulling herself to her knees, she reached with a trembling hand towards the control panel, reaching for the tiny handle on the side that, she imagined, was there for maintenance purposes. She tugged it open.

Then she screamed and slammed it shut.

Smeg

 

[Smeg]

Just after his frustrated exclamations, there was a thud from outside his lair. To be expected, a lot of visitors came to his humble abode. Some of them dropping crumbs, and flakes of golden pastry along the way. Others discarded their litter like thoughtless cretins. Smeg didn't mind, he also ate the litter after all.

With paws scrabbling in the dark, Smeg felt his way across the wall. Maybe he could ask whoever was outside if they had any snacks to share, and by share he meant give entirely to him. The panel opened just as Smeg reached it, his head beginning to blindly poke out as his eyes failed to adjust to actual light.

CLANG!

His poor snout was bashed inwards as the panel was slammed in his face, causing Smeg to cry out in pain like a congested little orphan.

With one paw holding his dented snoot the other clawed at the inside of the control panel, claws searching for the release hatch inside (thank the rat gods for such necessary health and safety measures). Within a few moments he had found it, and with a rather dramatic flourish, he pushed the panel open, still holding his throbbing snout.

“WHYZ YOU DIDZ DAT!?” Smeg demanded to know as he wriggled out of his hidey-hole, which seemed to be getting tighter every time he returned to it, “DAT HURT!”

What the woman would have seen now that he was fully revealed was a naked albino Skraal, who had junk-made goggles strapped to his bulging red eyes, as if somebody had taken their rat child to the swimming pool for the first time.

“Youze 'posed to knockz furst!”

Jacquetta Janvrin

 

[Jacquetta Janvrin]

Jacquetta breathed heavily, her pulse pounding in her ears and neck as she stared at the elevator panel. Well, it was terrifying, Crisp. Oh, yeah? I seem to remember you screaming like a little girl when you came across a regular-sized snake. Now try to imagine your pants-wetting terror if you came across a snake that was approximately ten times the normal size. My thoughts exactly. Now shut up so I can tell the story. OK, where was I? Oh, right. JJ was scared shitless because it was a giant kriffing rat.

But wait. It gets better.

After some scratching noises on the opposite side of the panel, the panel swung open and a very indignant-looking giant kriffing rat. And not only did this giant kriffing rat have the capacity to look indignant, but the giant kriffing rat also had the capacity to speak. And it was unhappy, specifically with her. "Knock?" she demanded. "You knock on doors, not elevator control panels. What the hell are you doing back there anyway?" She squinted into the panel. "Did you see what stopped the elevator?"

Yeah. She really asked that question. But listen, you be confronted with a gigantic rat and see how clearly you're thinking. But JJ was a sharp girl and quickly came to her senses to say: "Oh, of course. You stopped the elevator. You were gnawing on the wires, right?" She sighed and stepped back. "I'm sorry, but who are you? And what are you?"

 

[Smeg]

“Smeg livez dere,” he responded with an indignant sniff, offended by the notion that his front door was not a door and was in fact an 'elevator control panel'. That was the problem with big people, they were always making the rules and saying what was what. Instead of his home, it was an elevator. Instead of a door, it was a panel.

Psh.

More to the matter at hand, his home had stopped moving and rather than engaging in the painful process of the rodent having to figure it out by himself this rude woman had mercifully done the job for him.

“Oooooh. Dey waz wirez...”

The realisation came to him as he rubbed his abused snout with scrabbly paws. A big old puzzle piece falling into place, although he seemed to be largely unbothered by the fact that he had broken the elevator and was essentially trapped here with this nose-bashing woman.

“Dat explainz how dey not taste so goodz...”

Wait, there were introductions to be had.

“Smeg iz Smeg,” he proudly declared as he looked up at the taller woman, engaging in a strange bow as if he were a talent show magician before offering out his paw to shake, “An Smeg iz Skraal, yoo notz heardz of uz?”

A gleam in his eyes, as they caught sight of that backpack.

“Who iz yoo? An doez yoo haz any snax for Smeg?”

Jacquetta Janvrin

 

[Jacquetta Janvrin]

Jacquetta rocked back on her heels, folding her arms around her midsection as she examined the Smeg -- no, the Skraal -- with unconcealed curiosity. "No," she said slowly, lifting a hand to scratch an itch on the underside of her chin thoughtfully. JJ scanned her memory, trying to reach back into the recesses of her memory. She could remember the details of the Galactic Civil War and the Great Darkness, and how to make a perfect roast bantha steak, and even the proper way to make a dirty fireburn martini. But in all her education, she had either never learned about his species or had forgotten it.

"Sorry, I don't think I've heard of your people," she said apologetically. She half-turned, then glanced sidelong at him as he eyed her knapsack. "Have I got -- ?" Her voice dropped off as she reached back to touch her backpack protectively. Her mind went back to packing her bag that morning. Yes, there were snacks. Granola bars. Protein cubes. Cookies. A chocolate bar or two. She had planned on a busy day, one that wouldn't get her back to her ship until dinnertime, so she had packed plenty of snacks.

Shut up Crisp. We all need to eat.

"I might have," said Jacquetta quietly, her voice offering a subtle hint of a promise. "I might... if you can get the elevator running again, you can pick something from my bag. How about that? Fair trade, don't you think?"

 

[Smeg]

“Das okayz,” Smeg replied absent-mindedly, his eyes still completely transfixed upon the bag, “we iz frum Coruzant by da wayz.”

His face drooped somewhat as the woman finally noticed him staring at her backpack of potential goods, it was his strongest attempt at looking like an adorable yet sympathetic orphan child but really, he just looked like a horrific rat plush made by underpaid Nar Shaddian children.

But then she revealed that she did! His face lit up for a split second before the caveat came into play. He would have to fix the elevator in order to earn such a delicious promise.

Given that the Skraal had only heard the word elevator for the first time about fifteen seconds ago there wasn't much hope that he would be able to fix the damn thing, however, in the face of food let it be said that Smeg held a strangely endearing form of optimism at his chances. Definitely unfounded, but who would break his little heart?

On a technical level, he was a scavenger at heart and a little bit of a tinkerer on the side. He'd even made his own goggles (although they did little to help with his albinism-related eyesight issues). Perhaps secretly he was a master electrician to boot!

“Youze gotz a deal!” Smeg erupted with a very tooth grin before he properly considered what the woman had said in full, “butz Smeg woodz lik FREE fingz from da bag!”

A pause.

“An Smeg will needz sum tape.”

Jacquetta Janvrin

 

[Jacquetta Janvrin]

Jacquetta inclined her head towards the rat, her dark eyes narrowing slightly. "Three?" she asked, holding up three fingers to verify that they were on the same page. "This many?" She opened her bag and peered into the interior. "Yes, very well," she said, nodding. She could definitely swing three snacks. The tape was something a little trickier, for she hadn't planned on needing to do any repairs today.

"Tape," she echoed dubiously, then crouched on the floor of the elevator and unzipped the bag fully, examining the contents. She had an emergency sewing kit, but that was only thread and needles, no tape. "I'm afraid I don't have any tape," she confessed as she continued to rummage through the bag. Coinage, notes, a glasses case with her glasses, a few microfiber cloths for cleaning, chewing gum, snacks, a flask of water, some tissues.

"What do you need the tape for? Can we substitute something else?" She turned the bag over so that its contents clattered to the ground, but then quickly snatched the food and shuffled it back into the bag, lest she lose what little leverage she had over the creature by letting it get its -- paws? -- on the food before its end of the bargain was completed. "Take a look."