Private No Medicine for Regret

[Colette]

The fire cracked with a sickening echo around the small cave.

Ember after ember skipped and danced from the fire,
like missiles shot down over Woostri.

Outside, the storm was still raging,
just beyond the lukewarm embrace of the fire.

Snowflakes like soldiers threw themselves
at whatever they could stick to.

Less than five hours ago, Colette had given up on her apprentice.

She had let someone in close,
hoping they would understand but in turn was lacerated from within.

All for a relationship built on a lie,
a hope for something more than delusion.

Had she been younger she might have cried,
but these days that was like choosing between fires in an apartment block.

Except Reina had just poked a hole in the hose.

She probably hadn’t meant to, but she'd still managed to do just that.

Where there had once been hope there was now nothing.

Their bond would just be

one

more

failure

added to the pile.

Another great addition for Knight Colette Noble, the loss collector.

...

Her jaw clenched at the realization of what was happening.

This was self-pity.

This was to let someone else tell her how and what to feel.

A sharp shot of indignation filled her chest with rage.

She stood up from her spot by the fire to position herself by the exit.

The occasional flake whipped across her cheek, but for briefest of moments she figured that was what she deserved.

“…how to be a JEDI…” the wind howled. “…a knight, not the jedi kind…”

…

Colette let the brightness of the snow blind her.

...

Until she closed her eyes and the world got dark again.

…villain for saving me…
…give me the authority to just give up…
…peace is not me…

Words of a weak mind blinded by its own desire to become a martyr.

Another pathetic organism under the heel of the galaxy’s boot.

Never questioning.

Always taking and taking until there was nothing left.

It would only be once everyone else was dead,
that they’d finally know that they were safe.

No more enemies to vanquish.

Lifelong peace, at last.

…sing around the campfire…
…having a good conscience…
…come back to the light…

If wanting to have faith in the lost was wrong then Colette refused to be right.

If having faith that someone like Serina or even someone like Carnifex — unlikely as it was — could be made to see reason and accept the responsibility and consequence of their actions then that was a world she had to strive for.

…I was never the right choice for a Padawan…
…will slay villains…
…you think I'm trying to kill people…
… I want Her to be wiped off the face of the Galaxy…
…killing people isn't always wrong…
…being selfish is something I'm too familiar with…
…taking lives is still a natural thing…

…Death is closure. Death is justice…

Funny how the silence of a cave could say so much more
than the burden of civilization ever could.

The half-truths on the wind spoke with more clarity than the living.
The half-truth that Reina wanted to be taught.
The other that Reina would have gotten what she needed from Colette.

The whole truth was that Reina had lied to Colette
who could only do her best with what little she had been given.

She would wish her former apprentice good luck becoming who she desired to be,
but that’d be a lie given the person she wished to become.

… just black and white for you…

No, not even a little bit.

...

...