Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Private Knockin' on Heaven's Door

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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik held the empty dish loosely in one hand as his footsteps echoed through the stairwell that led back toward the suite Quinn had once offered him as a temporary home. He had not stayed long, but the arrangement had mattered more than its length suggested. His arrival on Dromund Kaas had pleased her, and her invitation to let him stay until his own quarters were ready had been offered easily enough that refusing it had never truly crossed his mind. He had accepted without much hesitation, even if his reasons were not entirely uncomplicated.

Living in such close proximity to her had revealed things he had not noticed when he was still a student at the academy. Distance had a way of smoothing over details. Familiarity sharpened them. He had seen the rhythms of her day, the way she carried herself when no one was watching closely, and the difference between how she regarded him and how he once hoped she might.

Had it changed anything for him.

No.

Aerik refused to let his aspirations drift too far where Quinn was concerned. He understood, at least on some level, that he was likely setting himself up for disappointment, but he decided he was still young enough to remain willfully ignorant of how one sided his feelings were, or at least partially ignorant. This visit, he told himself, was not about that, no matter how convenient the lie felt.

What had drawn him back to her quarters were events that had recently transpired. She had cooked for him, an act that still sat warmly in his chest, and then she had walked into something she should never have had to witness. Skadi should never have been in his quarters under those circumstances, and Irina should never have turned on Skadi the way she had. The aftermath had been exhausting. Requisitioning repair droids, restoring the space, and erasing visible signs of the altercation had taken far more effort than he cared to admit, all so the apartment would appear untouched.

Words had been exchanged in the process, words that caused Quinn to retreat behind walls Aerik had not known were still standing. He was not accustomed to distance from her. Whatever tension existed between them before had never felt like separation. Even the night she had used him to draw the attention of another woman had carried an unexpected closeness, one that allowed the barrier between them to drop. Aerik found himself resenting how quickly a single sentence had rebuilt it.

He had never been drawn to Quinn because of her position or title. His interest had always been rooted in who she was, not what she represented. Whatever Irina had damaged in that moment was something Aerik felt responsible for repairing. Confronting the fiery Sith herself would have to wait.

He stopped in front of Quinn’s door and knocked, the sound hollow in the quiet corridor.

“Quinn… it’s me.”

He did not wait long. Habit took over, and he opened the door and stepped inside the way he had countless times before. She had always said her door was open, and he had never needed an invitation before.

“Quinn… you around?”

 
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//: Aerik Lechner Aerik Lechner //:
//: Attire //:

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Her world behind closed doors was sacred. No one ever breached those moments. It could be out of fear or something more deeply profound. Though on occasion she would let slip those moments, and a lucky few got to see the Quinn that hid under the titles and the beautiful dresses. Some of them are also the ones that have cut her the deepest.

Aerik was familiar with the layout of her space. Easily, he would cross through the small open kitchen, pass the door to her bedroom, and another one for her office. The artificial light would be dimmed, mirroring a late afternoon in her small library study. In the corner, a pair of pastel, pale yellow headphones would be over her head as she buried her nose in a Lady Velvet novel.

She hadn't heard him, but in the back of her mind, she could feel him. As much as the Councilor wanted, she couldn't erase the small connection that they had built up. A part of it, she felt guilty; she could see the small moments of affection from him. Her life would probably be easier if she could feel the same way for him, but Aerik was her student, and for things out of his control, she could never see him in that light.

As he drew closer, she peered over the top of the book and watched as he rounded the corner. Perhaps she should have taken the time to change; she had just freshened up after a visitor and was only relaxing in a robe.

But she felt that after everything, he might have seen it as an outright rejection if she had asked him to wait. So, instead, Quinn exhaled softly, doing her best to keep her composure. Returning to where they were headed would take time, but his gesture of reaching out would prove to help mend the bridge that had been burned by neither of their actions.

Irina had blown up whatever progress she had made with her own issues. It was easy to pretend they weren't there; alas, the truth was told.

Quinn carefully pulled off her circular, thin-rimmed glasses and closed her book. Placing them on the shelf beside where she sat, she stood, hands quickly closing the loosened robe and tying the belt around her waist.

"Oh, hello Aerik, good to see you," she smiled. It wasn't the same smile she'd given him only weeks prior. Her lips were tight as she did so, and her arms folded over her chest as she sighed softly.

"What brings you here? Did you need something?"
 

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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik wandered through Quinn’s quarters wondering if he had somehow caught her when she was gone. Duty kept her busier than she had been during the days he lived with her as his quarters were being prepared. The pup could walk them blindfolded, and perhaps he should have because when Quinn stood Aerik saw a lot more of her than he had expected to see,

He quickly turned as she tightened the belt around her robe and waited for her to say hello. Her smile greeted him, though it was colder than he was used to. She was being formal despite her appearance and his continued access to her quarters. His heart sank, but he did his best to not let it show. He doubted he would be able to hide it from an Echani, and the Echani which taught him how to read movement as though it was his native language.

His need for stoicism demanded he try even though it would be futile.

“I uhh…” he reached out to offer her the container she had brought the food over in. “I washed it, and wanted to return it. It hit the spot like always.”

He smiled in return, though it did not reach his eyes, not the way Quinn knew. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, there had been a shift that day in his apartment. Irina had not meant to wound, but her words had done far more damage than what had been witnessed in his quarters. Aerik knew he had been fooling himself to think he had any chance of actually being with Quinn. There were many reasons why, some more obvious to him than others. That did not change the fact something of a kinship existed between them.

It was beyond the simple boundaries of friendship. They had left professional behind a long time ago. Aerik and Quinn were familial in many ways, and for there to be a wall where one had never been, but rarely, felt wrong.

His arm stayed extended until she took the dish. It seemed as though he stood there for a lot longer than he probably had. Even now she tried to keep the distance between them, and Aerik only felt his heart sink further.

He swallowed hard. It was loud in his ears, and had Quinn been the same species as him it would have been for her too. Whatever restraint he commanded over the subtlety of his feelings on the situation between them had crumbled.

“I’ll leave you to your book then…”

Aerik turned to leave. He successfully took several steps before he suddenly became angry with the situation and turned around.

“You know what, no, this is not fair,” he said with an almost commanding voice. This was the first time Aerik recalled actually coming across as though he were her equal even though they were far from it. “You shut me out. ME. I know what Irina said hurt. It was not fair. I could see you putting a wall up where she is concerned, but to throw that wall up with me…”

Aerik recovered the steps he had taken.

Quinn… when have you ever not been… just Quinn to me? When have I ever seen you as just your titles? How could I considering how much… I... I...”

He knew the remaining words would also be futile in a way. She could never return what he felt, and Aerik knew it, even if he wished differently.

His voice fell to almost a whisper.

“It’s me Quinn… you did that to me?”

 
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Her shoulders relaxed. It seemed they were going to avoid the confrontation that she had assumed was coming. Though she might have relaxed far too soon, seeing that Aerik took a step and then turned back towards her.

She didn't move, letting him have his moment. He was upset, and Quinn knew why; it was apparent even during their conversation at his place. But she didn't entertain the conversation there; instead, she did it here.

It didn't take her being Echani; she could tell. The way his body tensed, relaxed, and moved. It felt like he wanted to grab her, hold her in a way to bring her closer. They had a boundary, and despite Aerik wanting to break it, he didn't. At least he was better in that sense.

He was hurt, and she was as well. But between them, she had a position to hold, despite her feelings — she had to retain stability.

"Are you finished?" She quietly asked. Quinn didn't enjoy having him enter her space, only to yell at her about his feelings. There was no understanding of the position she was put in…

No one understood it.

"Irina's words hurt, yes, but I'm not a child, and I shouldn't act like a child." She put the dishes onto the small table beside her book. Her arms remained crossed over her chest as she let her eyes take him in.

He had grown; he wasn't the pup she remembered drawing on the margins of his assignments. He wasn't the pup that would stumble and fall during training, only to get back up and try even harder.

Aerik wasn't a pup.

She needed to stop treating him as such.

"Irina just reminded me of my position, what my responsibilities are. Why I don't belong in your pack. I can't be what you want." She shook her head.

"As much as I want peers, friends, the youth that you get to experience, I never had that, and I will never have that." Her voice sharpened slightly, but under the edge was a hint of sadness.

"Aerik, I understand your frustrations. I want to let you back in — but…"

Words were hard, but she knew he could understand. She had taught him as well as others.

Clearing her throat, she moved closer, a hand reaching out gently to caress the side of his face, along the strength of his jaw. Her touch was soft, almost timid, showing the fear she had of letting him in, of letting anyone in. Too many times before this, she was hurt, used, and left.

When her usefulness was done, she was abandoned.

When they couldn't gain what they wanted from her, she was left.

When she realized their lies, she was slandered.

No one stayed.

Her life was not her own, and she knew that.

The touch was desperate to just be seen for something basic… to be seen as someone with nothing to offer but themselves.
 
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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik wished he could have ignored it all. It would have been a lot easier if he could allow himself to remain fixated on the age when it was just a school boy crush and the complexities of their lives had to teach the pup a lesson he never wanted to learn. Quinn would always be someone close to him which was why the abruptness of the way in which she slammed a wall between them and withdrew was painful.

He listened to her. The rebuke was clear though she never actually said it. Aerik was not a child either, and he did not need to act like one. Was he being childish, or was he just confronting a wrong? Did he have a right to feel that way?

Aerik searched his feelings to be sure they were in the right place before deciding to confront the matter any further. He could have kept them in check, but Quinn’s words only stirred something else. For the life of him he could not understand why she had to continue to push away when he was offering her the one thing she had wanted for as long as he knew her.

To belong.

“You don’t know what I want, Quinn.”

This had nothing to do with what he felt for her, or had at some point. The pup was both curious and confused as to what those feelings truly were. A word could be used to describe them, but that one word was so nuanced he didn’t really know what that meant. As a child he was certain, but recent events had taught Aerik that there was more to love than what the stories said about it.

She wanted to let him back in, but…

Quinn stopped talking, but her movements shifted. There was a lot to be said that words would never express. She had taught him to read the subtle changes in body language. His uncanny ability to hear told him her heart and breathing were fighting to remain calm. The hand on his cheek was comforting, but declarative.

She did not want to hurt him. She wanted him to understand.

The pup smiled. She would feel the muscles in his jaw pull and his skin stretch as his fiery eyes locked onto the emeralds staring back at him. They were searching him in the same way he was searching her. Quinn was afraid and fragile. This was a side of her Aerik did not know. It should not have made him smile, but she was being honest in a way she had never been with him before. He took in a deep breath as his hand came up to hers. Aerik leaned into her touch.

“There she is.”

He did not understand the language of the Echani well enough to say what he saw. His lessons had been good, and the pup was always a model student even if he used to doodle. Lecture bored him, but action kept him engaged in the subject matter. The Echani arts were about movement, but the subtleties of it were something he still had a difficult time grasping. Still, for Quinn he wanted to try.

Aerik took one step in. His posture was confident, but open and vulnerable. He dropped the frustration. His eyes closed, and when he opened them again all they would say was…

“I see you.”

That was the truth. Aerik had always seen her. There were times when he had seen what wanted, or at least hoped, but the unspoken boundary that existed between them had been one he never had broken, or even tried. The closest the pair had ever come was a ball on Naboo, but she had pulled him in. He let the memory pass. There was something off about it, but nothing that gave away to Aerik what had really happened that day.

Aerik took a step away from her. This was not because he was leaving or pulling away, but an acknowledgement of her fear. His free hand rotated slightly even as his arm hung loose. It faced her with an open palm communicating exactly that. He was open to her, and he was there. The pup was not going to go anywhere because whether she wanted to accept it or not, she was still part of the pack he had formed. Quinn did not get to make that choice for him. His feelings, the boyhood crush, there was no obligation to return that, but she held a place in his life that would always be and remain important.

The corner of his mouth tugged a little further before the smile faded.

He spoke once more, a question he had asked her then when Irina and Skadi had been in the room. Quinn had left before she could answer, so he asked again.

“When have you ever been anything but Quinn to me?”

 

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