Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Private Guess Who's Back

Reina Daival Reina Daival

"That's not broken, that's abandoned." Colette retorted, the slight hiss in her voice betraying her frustration. "And shut UP with that."

She let in a deep breath, closed her fists and let it all go — her fingers spread wide open while she kept her eyes shut.

"I won't give up on you unless you stop— pushing me— away." She was letting it go now. That 'calm' master veneer fading as she spoke, every word betraying the truth she wanted to speak so much more plainly than she knew she should as a figure of 'authority' over someone else.

"You want to talk about being unwanted? My family left me in a desert before I had seen my first month. The people who found me and raised me kept me at a distance because I was seen as unsafe. I was told I would never be allowed to feel love because of a risk for inbreeding. All because my parents never loved me enough to leave me with a family tree when they left me for dead." Colette exhaled a scoffed chuckle. "I was taught to fear touching others because of sickness and to avoid intimacy. My society never had money, and out here there is not a single thing that isn't valued over a credit. I have spent the last four years trying to make up for the sheer amount of history I never even knew had happened in my lifetime."

"I don't understand family. I can't call the woman who took that mantle, Valery, my mother because it feels like an insult to her as if I am calling her a heartless wench who would leave an infant to die even if I know she never would."

"You're not the only one who has had a hard life, Reina. Your pain is your own, but the suffering isn't." Colette exhaled one more time, this time with relief. She had said part of her peace. "Keep shutting people out like that, and you will be as alone as you seem to feel."

"But I will pry you out of your shell if I have to. It would be so much easier if you took that step yourself. First step is to stop pushing yourself down in the ground. The step after that… We'll see."
 
"The last person I didn't push away zapped me full of electricity, destroyed my prosthesis, nearly choked me to death and said that they lied about ever caring about me. That they wanted to make me in their image of me instead of who I wanted to be. That they didn't care who I wanted to be."

Reina had snapped. Though in a way, this was exactly what she had needed to say. She needed to snap. To get out all of her frustrations and her anger, as she clenched her fists for a moment, starting to pace around as she shook her fists up and down in front of her. So much was just under the surface to be released.

"I was taught that I'm replaceable. By damned droids. That none of my skills matter, because a droid can just do it for cheaper and easier. I was taught that it's better to sleep with a knife in my hand in case someone sneaks in to kill me, because no-one else will protect me. You might feel like it's an insult to call Valery your mother, but at least you have someone to call a mother. You have someone to call a sister. A brother. A father. You have a family. I don't. You've been accepted by people. I haven't."

By this point, Reina had stopped pacing. Stopping swinging her fists around in the air and just stood there, shaking as she gritted her teeth. Tears were forming in her eyes, tears that she was trying to keep at bay and sorely failing at as she stared down at her feet.

"All I want is to feel like I belong. That I deserve to be here. That people want me here. I want to be important to someone at least."

Part of it was selfish desires at the end of the day. Reina was selfish. She wanted to be someone's number one. To know that they'd come for her, no matter what. That they'd always choose her. But...she knew it was selfish. She knew it was impossible of her. She wasn't important. She wasn't the number one for anyone...and that was something she felt like she had to accept, as she rubbed her arms against her eyes.

"...I'm sorry. You don't...deserve me yelling at you."

Colette Colette
 
Reina Daival Reina Daival

That wasn't a friend, that a was a public menace — the kind that Jedi dealt with. Must have been the person that had made Colette wary of Reina's connections to begin with, the one they talked about in the gym. As for the droids, well, Colette had never liked those to begin with.

The whole 'at least you can call someone a mother' thing was recurring, but it was just as easy to just say that than to understand what it felt like for Colette.

Once Reina was done, Colette chuckled.

"What? This?" She grinned and gave her apprentice a warmer smile. "This is just… Words. Words are just hot air and sometimes you have to let it out, y'know?"

"Besides, I want you here — and I want you to do this more. Maybe it would be good for you. Y'know, find a good way to let all this out instead of keeping it inside for so long, hm?"
 
"Words...Words have a way of sneaking their way in. Through cracks. I've...experienced it myself. I can...I can deal with the physical pain...but words have a way of hurting more than I'd think. They can sting. They can scar worse than any blade can..."

At the very least, it was a relief to hear that Colette wasn't as fussed about the words Reina had been saying. That they were hot air. And it was good for Reina to get all of this off her chest, instead of keeping it all built in. Though she bit her lip at the idea at letting herself unleash an onslaught of words like this more often, since that's what it sounded like Colette wanted Reina to do.

"I've just...never been good with words. I was taught to just get on and deal with it. But...Living on the fishing boat...I didn't have to deal with stuff like this. With the Dark Side. With the Force. Feeling like I have to belong..."

Colette Colette
 
Reina Daival Reina Daival

Sticks and stones, et cetera, all that. Colette smiled at Reina as she spoke.

"The force takes who we are and makes it a bit more extra." Colette said and gave a thoughtful frown. "At least that's what I've gathered so far. When we're sad it can make it all worse, when we are angry it's easier to lose control."

"I lost control on Woostri, you know." She admitted. "There were moments in that fight that I remember wanting to viciously wanting to end the life of my opponent simply because they were a threat to me."

"But I'm still here, I'm still able to feel the light, and I think… Maybe in the end it's really more about self-control than anything. The Code, being a Jedi, all that, y'know? As long as you are in control, you're good."
 
Reina bit her lip for a moment. It wasn't something she voiced...but Reina saw nothing wrong with wanting to end the life of an opponent who was a threat. Sure, maybe not viciously, but it was far better than leaving them around to cause problems another day.

"It's gotten worse for me because of the training. If I never joined the Jedi...I'd be happy to just continue my life selling fish. But I see myself...as too much of a threat. I'm too much of a danger. I know too much...All it takes is me getting kidnapped, or someone to manipulate me and I'm too much of a problem to be kept."

With that however, she shrugged her shoulders, listening to the comment about self control. Reina wasn't sure if she had good self control. Of course, the fact she hadn't been killing people left, right and centre meant she was a somewhat decent at controlling herself but Reina was still far too harsh on herself. She had to be better. Faster. Stronger. She couldn't let herself be dead weight.

Colette Colette
 

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