Private Finding yourself alone once again

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Lily sighed deeply. She had struggled with her emotions the past couple of days. Things had ended between herself and Shan, both were leading lives that made it hard to connect and spend time together and it had been respectful and without drama. But that didn't make things still sad for the Echani. She wondered how she could ever make a relationship work if she couldn't make it work with someone she had deeply cared about for a long time. Lily was always going to be a warrior, fighting on the frontlines as she stood against the Sith. There was a deep, sad sigh from Lily as she leaned on the desk in her office. She didn't know what to do, part of her thought about just diving into training. Pushing her body to the limit and seeing how much Lily could master the Lightsaber forms and work on her training with defensive Force abilities that she could utilise in combat as well.

However, today, Lily just didn't feel the energy needed to train, something that was rare for the Echani. She desired to just take time to breathe and see if there was anyone that she could talk about her feelings. It was a new experience to feel heartbreak like she did but also there was nothing to blame, nothing to resent in Shan since no one had done anything wrong. Things just weren't working out right now time wise.

Wandering through the Jedi temple, Lily found herself at the Jedi Council chambers and blinked as she thought about why she turned up here. What was she hoping to find in the council room? Perhaps to talk with Colette? Maybe another council member who could help Lily understand her feelings? It was weird but Lily hadn't really thought about where she was walking while she wandered and now found herself at the chambers. Entering, Lily spotted Master Quin, breathing in deeply. Lily wondered if it would be appropriate for the Battle Master of the council to be seeking relationship advice from the Grand Master. It seemed silly now that Lily thought about it, something that seemed a little childish and Lily considered that it would be better to just step away and simply just ignore the feelings she had.

"Urm... Master Quin..." Her voice escaped her without Lily even realising that she had said anything, "could I ask for some advice?" There was not going to be a quiet escape from Lily now so she might as well jump all the way in.

 

[Ala Quin]

The Council chambers were a surprisingly good place to meditate. It was nice to find peace in the very place that often threatened to rob her of it. While in the midst of a tumultuous moment of decision in Council meetings, Ala could dip back into her memory to tap into the peace of moments like this.

And then the moment broke. And the sorrow she was trying to overcome flooded back.

Though a rush of emotion, it was not something she could not push aside even as she opened her eyes.

"Greetings, Lily."

Another pang of pain, this one Decoria related, was ignored.

"Have a seat...you can ask anything you need to ask."

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Lily noted that it seemed that she was disturbing the peaceful meditation that Ala was in, she was wondering if that was something she should have attempted. Though, Lily was never very good with meditation, too many thoughts about things undone and memories of past failures floated to the surface when she attempted meditation like Ala was doing.

"Sorry for disturbing the peace you were having, Grand Master," Lily spoke in a deeply apologetic tone. Breathing in deeply, "it is a somewhat trivial matter given the grand galactic scale."

There was some hesitation in her voice, she didn't really know how to broach the topic but decided that all this was doing was beating around the bush and that was something Lily always hated. Letting out a sigh, "my relationship with Shan unfortunately came to end, we just couldn't find the time to make it work..." There was a lot of guilt on her part for not trying harder, perhaps she should have tried harder to make it work. Made more sacrifices to prioritise him.

"Neither of us did anything wrong, we still get along and I still care about him deeply... but I... I feel sad." Lily confessed, "sad and afraid that I am too committed to a path that means I can never find the time to have a relationship, true love, a family." Lily slipped into her council chair and chewed on her bottom lip as all her thoughts were now tumbling out. "That I am not worth the effort because I couldn't make it work with someone as amazing as him, then I will never be able to make it work."

She knew that she shouldn't hate herself, or blame herself for things not working out. But it felt like there was no one else to blame but herself.

"I don't know how to move forward... What to do?"

 

[Ala Quin]

"Matters of the heart are no trivial matter...especially for a Jedi. We must be cautious not to allow our spirit's to be wounded...giving permission for darkness to creep in," Ala said, though her normal lightness was muted by her own sadness that would remain unexpressed, "you're wise to seek counsel. I hope that I can be of some assistance."

Lily's story struck Ala far deeper than she cared to admit. Her own sense of hopeless loneliness had returned with a vengeance. She clinged to two things that her time with Lorn had given her, Isla...and the Jedi Order. She knew she would not have been the Grandmaster without him pleading her case to replace Briana Sal-Soren. Two great gifts were left to fill the hole where the was once three.

"I understand your fears all too well, my dear," Ala said, surprising herself with the old-lady quality to her tone and terminology.

Her eyes closed again. Encouraging with a gesture of the hands for Lily to do so too.

"The river does not miss the water that reached the sea before it."

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Nodding her head, while she did not see how any darkness could creep in, there was a sense of loss that she was struggling with how to manage and how to understand. As well as feeling so uncertain about a future that previous held so much of another within. There had been big plans, big changes in Lily's life that felt lost, stolen in a way but at the same time, there was no one really to blame for all that.

The term my dear from Ala caused Lily to raise an eyebrow. It was not a term that Lily was expecting to hear from the Jedi Master and made the Echani wonder if Ala was far older than her appearance had her seem. There were races out there that did not truly age or at least, did not seem to physically age. Even being a Jedi slowed the age process a little.

Before Lily could close her eyes, the following statement from Ala confused Lily even more. "But I am not a river, water or sea... I don't understand the meaning..." Lily mentioned greatly confused as the metaphor flew right over her head. She held not idea what Ala was intending on meaning. "I am sorry, but what was that meaning?" Lily asked, in hopes that the clarification would provide Lily some insight in what she was meant to take away. Right now, all her mind could think of was why her problems with be connected with differing water based terms and water itself.

 

[Ala Quin]

"Close your eyes, Lily," Ala said with a whisper, but the smile could not be kept from her lips.

Drawing a long, calming breath in through her nostrils, Ala took a moment to quite herself before answering through the Force.

The lesson is not in the explanation, but in the journey to its discovery.

That did not help at all. And she half expected to feel a flare of frustration from the combat seasoned Jedi. People with her leaning to the combat disciplines of Jedi life were often those to also struggle with impatience.

Open you mind to the Force.

Should Lily do so, she would feel a hint of the grief of Ala's own recent loss, Ala permitting it to brush over the consciousness of her fellow Jedi. It was a small, but simple way of saying, "I understand."

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

There did not seem to be an answer to her questions, Lily was a little disappointed but she figured that meaning might be something that could come to her at a later point. If it came at all. Her eyes closed as she heard Ala's voice through the Force. Startled but attempting to listen to what was being said through the Force. It was strange, hearing a voice and not being able to see the person, not read their body language as they spoke. It was like Lily was hearing things through ear plugs.

Muted, less clear.

That sounds like you don't know what you meant by it. Just hoping I would find the meaning and you could nod your head in agreement. I've done that with my Padawan before. Lily communicated back in the Force. It was a small joke but was curious if Ala was doing that, if so, then it would be a little frustrating since she was hoping to find some clarity in her issues by sharing her thoughts and feelings. And it did not feel like sharing was helping that currently.

When told to open herself up to the Force, it took time for Lily to find that ability. Her connection to the Force was never something that was strong in moments of peace. When in combat, Lily could perform great feats in the Force, not just because of her crystal empowering her further, but because her mind relaxed easier. Battle focused, the Force followed through Lily better than when she was trying to merely meditation in a peaceful moment. To help her find that balance, Lily had to start thinking on battle strategies. Going through tactics and fighting moves, following the flow of the body as it fought. There she would feel the Force moving through Lily and Ala, sensing the familiar emotions that were resonating within herself.

You... What happened with you Master? I sense an understanding... There was a concern and desire to help Ala since it seemed they were in the same boat.

 

[Ala Quin]

Close, Ala's voice echoed gently within the quiet spaces of Lily's mind. I know it holds a deeper meaning, but it is a lesson I have yet to learn myself.

It was a delicate tightrope for Ala to walk. Despite everything, she refused to tarnish Lorn's character or diminish who he was when recounting the past, even if he didn't deserve her protection. This self-imposed grace only made it harder to voice the raw reality of the betrayal, leaving her struggling to articulate the depth of her heartache.

I, too, have recently experienced the loss of something I held dear, she projected softly.

Lowering her mental shields by a mere fraction, Ala let the tightly locked memories breathe. Through the narrow crack, a wave of cold disbelief, heavy grief, and the stinging embarrassment of her abandonment seeped into the Force. It was only a taste, a brief ripple across the surface, but it was enough to let Lily feel the vast, aching depths of the ocean hidden beneath Ala's calm exterior.

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Lily did not think she would grasp the meaning if Master Ala had yet to find it, Lily was younger and not the type for meditating on phrases and their meaning. There was far too much to do in her mind, too much that she needed to be doing. It was all too easy to just fixate on the details and lose track of the events surrounding them. The dangers that seemed to lurk around every corner. Part of the reason that Lily could not stay, could not settle, was because she felt needed everywhere right now.

There was always another planet, there were always more innocent lives at risk. There was always no chance to breath or pause because the galaxy needed a warrior to keep pushing back. Her sacrifice at happiness was so others could achieve that.

Those were the thoughts swirling in her mind, that she had to give up every dream. Every happy future. Because taking time for herself was taking time away from saving lives. It only ever really added to her sadness, her loneliness to know that. To feel that in her core, that Lily had to go through life, unhappy, unfulfilled because it was the selfless thing to do.

I don't know how to push through this despair. I know I need to, I should just suppress it, never think on it. But the last time I did that... I nearly broke... I nearly drowned in my problems while trying to seem brave. Lily confessed, she knew that she could never risk allowing that to happen. That the guilt would eat her away till she was far too susceptible to the Dark Side of the Force.

 

[Ala Quin]

Ala felt a smile touch her lips, even mid trance. Lily's reaction was such a common one.

We are Jedi, Lily. Suppressing emotions is not our way. If anything, we will feel our emotions more deeply because of the path we walk.

It was a truth hard won for Ala. Not defeatist. Not fatalist. Not predestined. Just at ease.

The Will of the Force is not the will of some sentient being, but rather the reality of our here...and our now...and being at peace despite what tumults may threaten our souls.

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Lily sighed, she was not sure how to view what was being said to her. I have been attempting to control my feelings since before I joined the Order. It was probably why I ended up here in the Order. My failure to control the emotions caused an outburst in emotion. Lily could never forget that day. That realisation of what she could do with the Force if she allowed her powers to go unchecked or harnessed in the wrong manner.

But the desire to suppress her feelings, the intense, gut wrenching feelings that she held. It was seemingly impossible to hold but she needed to control it. Needed to balance things in her mind. Wallowing in the emotions stopped her doing what she loved to do. Lily liked being positive, liked being active, like pushing herself. Wallowing in the depression that was now searing itself into her heart. It felt wrong, it felt like a betray to what she wanted to do.

I don't care about the Will of the Force. Wallowing in this pity, this misery... That isn't who I want to be. It isn't who I am. If I do that, if I surrender to these desires then I am betraying who I am. Betraying who I want to be. Lily attempted to explain, she knew that others might need to feel the emotions, needed to take the time. But Lily feared that if she did that, then she could never go back to who she was, who she is. I don't think either of us should betray ourselves, allow ourselves to be broken by others, by circumstances out of our control.

 

[Ala Quin]

The heaviness of Lily's despondency mirrored Ala's in many ways. Yet, Ala kept her own grief strictly guarded, refusing to burden the younger Knight with it. Instead, she quietly centred herself, experiencing Lily's raw pain through their telepathic bond. There was a bittersweet comfort in knowing she was not alone in this profound ache. If it brought her solace, perhaps it could do the same for Lily.

Control our emotions.

Ala sent the words drifting through the Force, her mental tone carrying a faint, hollow echo. Such a funny turn of phrase, don't you think?

She let the thought linger in the space between their minds. Gradually, she began pushing waves of deliberate calm and steady peace through the connection, offering a lifeline amid the turbulent grief.

Control does not mean numbness, Ala's presence pulled on the light around them. It does not mean you do not feel. It means you choose not to let those feelings dictate your actions.

For a fleeting second, Ala intentionally lowered her mental shields. She allowed Lily a glimpse across the bond, a sharp, vivid projection of stacked boxes and a hollowed-out home. It was the lakeside house Lorn had built, a home being dismantled.

As quickly as the vision appeared, she closed the curtain, returning to her steady composure. There is no shame in what you feel right now. In fact, I urge you to sit with it. Process the ache rather than hiding from it.

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

There was a stirring of disagreement swirling in Lily as she listened to what the Grand Master had to say. No, I don't think it is a funny turn of phrase. It is not stating that I must be unfeeling or not allowed to feel. I agree that I should feel and express my feelings, I am more concerned that I am standing on a precipice where I could stumble into a deep wallowing. A void where allowing myself to feel has become too much.

Of course, Lily had also learned that suppressing one's feelings entirely was completely unhealthy as well. It had become her break down previously when the darkness of fighting Sith and them cursing her and demonstrating how outclassed by them she was. Time away, time to recover on Eshan had brought the understanding that Lily could not burden herself solely with her feelings. That attempting to feel nothing was as unhealthy as attempting to feel too much. Unfortunately, Lily had experienced both and the damages it did to her connection with the Force.

Shifting a little as Lily saw the vision of the home being dismantled, Lily paused in her thoughts for a moment. It is hard to adjust to life where the future is no longer what you prepared for it to be. I had planned a long future with Shan as you had with Master Reingard. I do think that sitting with this alone is not the best approach for either of us. I also question whether the Force will really help us move through this.

Perhaps something more simplistic and traditional. A flash of drinks, lots of drinks and terrible karaoke crossing Lily's mind for Ala to see.

 

[Ala Quin]

Ala's shoulders slumped. She clearly was not good at this. Counselling was not as easy as it sounded. But then, nothing ever really was.

Opening her eyes, and brushing away the thoughts of booze and parties, Ala shook her head. It was as much to clear away the annoyance of Lily bringing up Lorn than anything else. "Alcohol and partying are merely distractions. They don't solve anything, Lily," Ala said, her frustration sneaking through the Lorn-made cracks in her self-control.

Lily wanted a friend to commiserate with. Ala had given her a mentor to teach her. Clearly, they had different expectations from the conversation.

She stood, and walked towards the window to look out over the view of Naboo. The ache in her heart resurfaced as she remembered times standing with Lorn's arms wrapped around her as they looked out over a similar, gorgeous view.

"I was going to propose to him," she muttered. It was the first time she had spoken the words out loud.

Holding back the tears, she turned back towards Lily.

"But he wants different things. I want family. He...he just wants to be away from Naboo," she said, eyes cast now towards the floor.

Her shoulders squared, chin rising defiantly against her welling emotions. And she breathed out, slowly...until all the air had escaped her lungs...waited for a moment...and then filled her lungs with air once more.

"The river does not miss the water that reached the sea before it." She said, defiantly.

"Just as the river...I will let this pain pass through me...let the past be one with the Force."

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

While Ala might have felt this wasn't working, Lily was finding herself distracted from the grief. Ideas on moving forward. Ways to find herself once again. It was maybe not the way that Ala intended to help but Lily was finding this to be of some help. "Perhaps, but distractions can be pleasant, necessary. Sometimes the short term solutions can led into positive long term resolutions. You don't know until you try."

Hearing that Ala was aiming to propose to Lorn, there was sympathy growing in Lily's eyes. That was a big step, "I was years away from considering an actual propose myself. But Shan was the one partner I had that made me consider having a family, being married. Existing outside of fighting these wars and being a Jedi all the time." Lily confessed as well, "we both seem to have lost the futures we were building."

Rising to her feet, Lily walked over to Ala, arms open for a hug. "I know you wish to be the Grand Master and a mentor right now with me, but you also need a friend. Someone to just understand the pain you are feeling." Lily stated, she was not looking to undermine Ala but just show that sometimes, letting the emotions out was what was needed.

 

[Ala Quin]

While letting Lily talk, Ala just smiled softly. The Knight meant well. But she also did not seem to understand the solitude of the role of Grandmaster, the necessity of separating oneself from the group, just a little, so as to maintain the aura of the office. It had been a very quick lesson for Ala when she first came into the role. But the reality of leadership is that you never were really completely friends with those you were expected to lead.

While Ala longed for someone to be close with and confide in, she understood that this could not be within the Order itself. So, she confided with the Force.

"I appreciate your offer, Lily...truly...I do," she said calmly, "but I will not be partaking in distraction."

Her smile grew wider, though still pulled down by the heaviness of reality. "Your friendship is appreciated. But my role does not change simply because I hurt. Though friends we may be, I am still the Grandmaster even while wearing the hat of friendship. That is the cost of leadership. And the cost I willingly embrace."

| Lily Decoria |​

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Shiraya Temple - Naboo
Outfit: Casual
Equipment: Arwr Da, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Ala Quin

Lily lowered her arms when Ala didn't accept the offer of a hug. There was a feeling of awkwardness from the Echani, she had thought that titles should not matter with problems like this. Especially since they could be left to fester and only drive a person to lash out, or create problems they do not mean to cause. Sharing a problem was halving a problem. That was what Lily had been told and she had dealt with her own issues when retaining things that caused her heart to ache.

"I am sorry to hear that you are using the title to distance yourself, from even those within this council. This is not a path you have to burden yourself with alone. But I cannot force you to share on a matter that you do not feel comfortable sharing with me." Lily confessed, she chewed on her bottom lip for a moment as she thought about what to say. "I hope you find the right person to share this with. Someone that makes you feel comfortable and appreciated."

Taking a step back, "I shall let you be. I am going to enjoy the distraction. Should you change your mind, please don't be a stranger and come enjoy the distraction with me. Taking a moment away from all this... It can be what is needed to remind ourselves why we do this. And what we need to do next."