Private Charred Remains

[Corazona von Ascania]

Just after Holiday Spirit.​

Exactly as Albrecht had predicted, Cora found herself in front of Makko's door. So frazzled and preoccupied with holding herself together, she hadn't realized where her feet had been carrying her until they'd stopped of their own accord.

She adjusted the burnt fruitcake in her hands, cradling it awkwardly as her fist hovered millimeters away from his door.

Makko was inside, she could tell that much through their bond, but something had stopped her on the precipice of seeking comfort.

Albrecht's cruel words still rattled in her skull. Was there any truth to them, or had they been embellished by anger? She couldn't dispute his feeling of being rejected for his culture, but his barbs had been personal and she was still reeling from how intense their brief encounter had been.

Did she even deserve comfort?

Cora's fist uncoiled and fell to her side like a wilted flower. She lingered in front of Makko's door for a few moments, sniffling and using a wrist to try and head off the tears at her lash line before they could fall.

She wanted badly to have shouldered Albrecht's beratement with grace, but parts of her were more fragile than she liked to admit.

It wasn't weak to rely on those you trusted in difficult moments, she reminded herself. Maybe Makko could help her untangle this confusing weave of unpleasant feelings.

After a few deep breaths, she finally knocked.

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Makko had been quite happily trawling through some nonsense on the holonet when he heard the knock on his door. A mental nudge turned the quiet electropop ballad off.

As soon as he paid attention and stretched out with the Force, he knew Cora was at the door. He reached out towards her and got an immediate sense of her distress.

The bond didn't have them permanently aware of one another's feelings, but they had to deliberately close off from one another in moments of particularly heightened emotions.

Makko moved quickly to the door.

"Hey," he said, immediately moving out of the way so she could step inside.

He glanced down at the burned cake. That couldn't be the cause of what her saw on her expression and what he felt.

"What's happened?" he asked, closing the door behind her.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora stepped inside, avoiding eye contact with Makko. One glance and she might break - she wanted to at least try and hold herself together enough to get through this explanation.

How many times had she cried in his arms? He'd never held it against her, but this was starting to feel lopsided.

"I think that I…greatly misjudged a social situation."

Cora swallowed around the lump in her throat, uncertain of how to properly broach this without making her sound as if she'd been victimized.

"I…tried to do what I thought would be something nice for someone I didn't know very well."

Her nails dug a little more into the sides of the charred cake. No, that was too vague.

"Do…do you know Albrecht von Duschendorff? He's a Padawan from Ukatis. Always hangs around with that girl with the purple hair."

Cora gingerly sat down on the edge of Makko’s bed, resting the fruitcake in her lap as if it were an object of comfort.

"We've never really spoken with eachother, but after what's happened to Ukatis and given it's Life Day, I thought, I don't know, maybe I'd make him one of the fruit cakes that's popular this time of year at home. It turned in to…" She gestured to the burned lump in her lap. "…this." Cora grimaced. “It was a stupid idea. I know that I don’t know how to bake.”

"Maybe I thought it would make him feel a little more at home, but maybe…maybe I did it just to make myself feel better…"

She spoke, quickly and quietly, hunched over and eyes towards the floor.

"It ended…poorly. He said some…" Cora swallowed again, her mouth dry and her throat tight. "…unpleasant things to me."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

He turned after Cora, worried that she moved past him so quickly with her eyes down.

When she said she had misjudged a social situation he almost had hope. Hope that a little of the more casually socially awkward Cora had simply embarrassed herself.

Makko joined her on the edge of the bed and sat down, hitching up his left leg so he could turn to face her.

"Do…do you know Albrecht von Duschendorff? He's a Padawan from Ukatis. Always hangs around with that girl with the purple hair."

Makko gave a small nod. He'd met the young man from Ukatis. He'd been duelling with a young woman. Makko hadn't handled it that well, but he had quite emotive reactions to the nonsensicle attitudes of Ukatis men and their honour.

When she swallowed and finished her explanation, Makko's hands were balled into tight fists.

"What did he have to say to you?" he asked slowly. He wanted to tear down the padawan's door, drag him here and beat an apology out of him.

It was a testament to Makko's growth that he knew he couldn't, even if he felt it.

"That you should be on Ukatis finding another husband?" he scoffed. He tried to lighten his tone a little. It wasn't going to help if he lost his temper. He unclenched his fists and placed one hand on her shoulder.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

The tension almost made her wince where she sat. From between the strands of hair that shielded her gaze as her head bent forward, Cora could see his balled fists.

It made sense that Makko would be upset on her behalf, and in some far corner of her mind, she was touched by his protectiveness. If someone she cared for turned up at her doorstep nearly in tears, she too would be angry at whoever had had caused it.

Cora took in a deep breath and tried to put a name to the emotions that whirled in her mind. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear of judgement. Part of her felt like she didn't deserve to take comfort in Makko again, but she set that thought to the side for now.

"He didn't say anything like that. He…"

Her voice faded, not keen on thinking back to what Albrecht had said, unable to recall the exact words that he'd used save for two. She wouldn't forget the feelings though. The disgust, the ire directed at her, was so raw and visceral that they'd be burned into her memory for a while.

"He was upset because…of what happened to me, people think he's a bad man and it’s making life harder for him here.”

Makko could fill in the gaps; her marriage had reflected poorly on Ukatis, especially regarding men. It was a fair assessment and Cora couldn't reasonably devalue Albrecht's pain, but she was too caught up in her own hurt to acknowledge it.

"He was mad because of what happened on Thule, and that I was knighted after it. Said that…nobody questions the things I did. I don't know how he even knows about that, I don’t think you or Shan would have said anything, I-"

Cora's breath hitched in her throat, the start of a sob, and she held it. A low, slow exhale followed as she steadied herself. When she'd returned from Thule, Valery and Kahlil had met her with understanding rather than aggression. Makko, understandably, and been torn up by what she had done. Had she gotten off easy?

Even now, Cora could recall the feeling of Makko sobbing against her shoulder as she held him. It had been one of her lowest points, hurting him so viscerally as she had. He’d waited for her, and she’d found solace in the arms of another man. They'd almost lost one another, but after months of circling and rebuilding shattered trust, they'd found their way back.

"H-he called me a…"

Her voice shook; she didn't want to say it.

"Traitorous…ah…erm…word for a loose woman."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Makko started to follow the thread. At first, the empath in him started to see this from Albrecht's perspective. After all, he had just been remembering losing his temper with the young man because of his experiences with Ukatis customs.

He was still - Makko remembered - something of an ass to deal with.

The word Thule immediately touched a different note. He could still easily drew himself back to her first admission. Even an echo of what he had felt on that day could still hurt. The abject sense of rejection still lurked down there, even after his acceptance.

"He did what?" went Makko.

His far hand was immediately balled into a fist again.

No, no, he stopped himself. Going and kicking down his door and dragging him here by his bollocks still wasn't going to help.

Makko took a breath. He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I took...a lot of time thinking about...no...no this isn't about me," Makko said, before he could go down that path.

"I haven't told anyone and I doubt Shan would either. You are not one of those," Makko said firmly. "I don't know exactly what you felt at the time, but...Albrecht probably thinks anyone who moves on from their forced marriage is a terrible person. Nobody gets to tell you have to live."

"Let me...take this..." he said, reaching across her lap to take the charcoal impersonating a cake away from her. He stood to go and put it on his desk. She would feel a flutter down their bond. He didn't want to hide anything. He was clearly angry on her behalf, but still uncertain of how to navigate this.

It was the Sith aspect of the entire saga that he struggled with. He might not have felt good about it, if Cora had turned to a fling with another from the Jedi order on her return, but Makko had certain views that he stuck to. Just as rigidly, he supposed, as any Ukatis man. If two people were not together, they made their own decisions. He had to respect that. But she had gone from a prisoner to something else and he still hadn't fully made sense of that.

But most of all he hated to hear her upset, and once again for the words of a man who should have no part in telling her how to act.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

His hand squeezing her shoulder was more of a comfort than he would know. Or maybe he would - as he rose and worked the poor excuse for a cake from his hands, her gaze followed him to the desk. She felt his anger and uncertainty as they trickled down their bond.

Makko's uncertainty wasn't the type that was rooted in not knowing where they stood. They'd established that on Anaxes, and had begun to explore this new side of their relationship. There'd been a handful of times since then where Cora had been pulled into a panic, and Makko tried his best to help comfort her through those unsettling feelings.

It was new territory for them both, too. It was bound to be awkward.

"Aren't I, though?" Cora's voice cracked. Her posture was rigid, hands glazed tightly together in her lap. "At some point I stopped being a prisoner and more of a…kept woman. He offered to let me leave and I didn't because I wasn't sure what I wanted. If I didn't have his favor, I would've died like the others or turned to the dark for survival."

"I made a mistake, and everyone else has been so nice to me about it. It…it doesn't feel right. Shouldn't I have been punished?"

Maybe that mindset had something to do with the shared culture between Cora and Albrecht.

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

That Cora admitted making a mistake caught him. He had given her space to work through everything. He had needed that space too, being far too emotionally off-kilter to try and help her work through her feelings. Makko had suspected from what she had told him so far that she had been pulled in different directions.

On one hand she had been saved, possibly doted on. A powerful man who actually treated her well. On the other hand she had been controlled, decisions made for her. All whilst she was coming back from the lowest point in her life.

Makko dropped to one knee in front of her. He placed one hand on her knee and tried to meet her gaze.

"I'm not always good at saying the right thing. You're not... what you got called. I'm glad your alive, for a fucking start. I'll be glad...

"... I don't even know his name. Being kept... after the year you had. In some ways I bet that was nice if you felt you were treated well?"

Makko didn't know if he was ready to open this box. He doubted he ever would be.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

The hand at her knee lifted Cora's gaze to meet Makko's own. She sniffled, then brushed back her hair, taking care to tuck the strands clinging to her face behind her ears.

He was trying to be understanding, and Cora was surprised. Not by his empathy - out of the two of them, Makko was more mature in that regard - but by the fact that they were now on the cusp of broaching a conversation they'd danced around for months.

Now, here he was, trying to comfort her as they confronted a situation that had hurt him terribly. Ashla, what had she done to deserve him?

"It did feel nice." She admitted. "Even though at times-“

Cora paused, then frowned. Rambling wouldn't help shed as much light on the situation as starting from the beginning would.

"Come up here?" She asked, patting the space beside her and taking in a deep breath to steady her nerves and organize her thoughts.

"When we first met, his name was Wake Nayne. We were in a forest on Ukatis. Horace and I had just had a terrible fight and I took off. He found me when I was…"

Cora paused, a wave of emotion pulling silent tears from the corners of both eyes.

"…I was standing at the edge of a ravine. I wasn't in a good way at all. He introduced himself as a Sith priest and convinced me to step away. I think he saw the bruises on my face and knew what'd been happening. He was on Ukatis exploring its history with the Force, and came upon a carin that housed a lightsaber belonging to a relative of mine in the distant past."

Her eyes narrowed, recalling the whispering voice of Crenical von Ascania, an apparently ancient Sith Lord. She still had his blade, but hadn't delved any further into that.

"He showed me a cave of kyber crystals after that. He did…something where he touched my face and for a moment I just…felt so loved. Like nothing would ever hurt me again. I…hadn't felt like anyone had loved me in that way for so long. We kissed.”

Recalling the sensation made her swallow. It had been an intense encounter where her emotions had been all over the place. His affection had been like a drug, filling some of the gaps that had existed within her loveless marriage.

"I was angry and scared when I woke up on Thule, but he protected both myself and Shan from the fate of the other Jedi. I…didn't want to test the limits of that by misbehaving. He’d taken the name Nwul, then.”

"It did feel nice, at times. He gave me pretty things and I was kept comfortable, and sometimes I just let myself enjoy being treated that way. But…"

She squinted again, pressing her thumb and forefinger to the bridge of her nose.

"…it didn't feel right. Being by his side while Jedi had perished, leaving behind everyone who cared for me on Coruscant."

A future had been looming on the horizon, one where she could be loved and cared for and perhaps even powerful, and all she had to do was rely on a man, an enemy, to make that happen.

Force, she felt so fucking pathetic, but it was something of a relief to put things out in the open.

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Sitting beside her, Makko's expression kept shifting. It was as tumultuous as the feelings that swirled around. It hurt to hear that she had turned to this man because he offered her the feeling of love. He wished that she could have turned to him instead. That feeling of rejection remained.

She told the rest of the story, skimming over the details bit still offering more insight on what had gone through her mind. Things clicked into place, some of his suspicions were very real. He closed his eyes and tried not to vanish into his own imagination. That was a dark path.

He leaned his shoulder into hers. He was in a better place to deal with this. They were in a better place to deal with this, but it still wasn't easy. Keeping just a little contact made a difference.

"I...This isn't about me but I want to tell you something. When Big Nasty took me back it was all for you. I thought I could sacrifice myself and free you."

"But he got me that nice flat, I was taken to parties. Spice and drink and clothes and anything I wanted. I'd been at the bottom of the pile in Fractal State. It felt nice to feel special. I know it's not the same and I'm not saying it is but...yeah..."

When she had found him, he hadn't been soldiering on to save her from her life. He had been lost. Part of the reason he had ended up there was because he enjoyed the feeling of being looked after, being important to the leaders of what had been his tribe.

Wake and then Nwul. He let the name turn around in his mind. The picture of her with him wasn't one to be entertained. It was all so complicated. Makko sighed.

"I don't feel great, but there's something...cathartic...YesIreadthatwordinabook...In knowing his name and knowing some of what happened. I'm glad you chose...us. I think it was the right thing to do. Bias as I am," he said, nudging her knee with his.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

The press of Makko's shoulder into her own had a surprising measure of comfort to it. He was hurt. It wasn't easy to tell him all of this, it was like pulling out her own teeth, but he deserved to know.

Cathartic. He had been reading. She was glad he'd used that word, that there was some silver lining to be found in all this.

Cora allowed herself to nod slowly. Makko too had been taken in by a life where he'd been made to feel special.

The nudge with his knee earned Makko a tired, fleeting smile.

"I'm glad you decided to give me another chance." She whispered hoarsely.

"I know better now, I think. His feelings for me might've been real, and I might've developed real feelings for him too, but it wasn't…sustainable. Valery and Kahlil made me realize that just because two people have feelings for one another, doesn't mean that they should be together."

"I think I started to figure that out when he threw a party. I was there on his arm, but it felt like…I didn't belong. There were so many Sith there, and that's when I realized that staying would've been an uphill battle. Some things are worth fighting for, but…"

The way she trailed into a sigh spoke of her feelings on that.

The gala on Thule had been strikingly similar those on Ukatis. Unlike those on Ukatis, Cora did not have the relative safety and stability of her position as Princess. On Thule she had been merely a curiosity, a pretty little thing on the arm of their host, her presence a confusing mosaic in the Force but undoubtedly trained in the Light. It was a night she'd spent dancing on the edge of a knife; some offered her respite, others had given warning.

"I'm sorry. I should've know better then. I'm just…so ashamed of what I did when I was hurting. I didn't feel like I was even me, just…a shell of a person who didn't know what she wanted, floating through life."

Cora sighed again, rubbing her face with her entire palm.

"Things clicked into place once I had my vision of Ukatis being attacked. I knew that…I had to leave."

Her free hand had crept over towards his, and she chanced resting it atop his own.

"After the battle, I knew that I couldn't just go back."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"Oh...Cora..." he said quietly.

He wrapped an arm around her easily. Shades of his conversation with Mathilde came back to him. She was strong, but also fragile. He could acknowledge that coming back to them was the right thing to do, but to say that being with the sith in the first place was wrong would be unfair. It had been her decision to make, she had been caught in a deeply vulnerable state and his feelings on the matter were his own.

It was her shame that led to his arm around her. He drew her a little closer and closed his eyes. She had been paraded around by Horace and then by another man.

"Wish I knew what to say," he admitted. It still hurt to know she'd been in the arms of another man to find comfort and it always would.

"It must have been frightening, being amongst them all. Knowing just one person was between you and...yeah."

Makko was glad that Nwul had kept her alive, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.

"These things don't go away... But you're here now and no one who matters blames you," Makko said firmly. "I feel like you know where you're going now. You're not floating on clinging on. You want to be here."

"At least he was kinder than Horace, yeah?" Makko asked. He knew the question had many layers.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"He was. I think he would've only wanted me to stay if the decision was truly my own."

Cora blinked hot tears into the fabric of Makko's shirt as her face pressed into his shoulder. She took in a deep, shuttering breath, and realized that aside from the quiet tears, she didn't feel the urge to break down and sob in his arms.

She'd cried about as much as she could over the past few months as painful memories surfaced, and she didn't have it in her to keep going that way.

"The Sith did teach me one thing; that if I want something in life, I have to do it. Within reason, of course. That's why I stood up to my father, and that's why I decided to keep training as a Jedi. Maybe I did get off easy, but I'm here now, and I'm not about to let a sexist brat take that away from me."

She almost had, though. Cora didn't know why she cared so much about what Albrecht had to say about her. At the end of the day, he was still part of those she'd been working to protect; the people of Ukatis.

Perhaps they'd never see eye to eye or get along with one another, but his reaction to her gesture was a reminder to keep herself in check. Jedi were not infallible simply because they were Jedi.

"But you…"

Cora slipped both hands up either side of Makko's face, cradling him softly. She smiled awkwardly, eyes glassy and cheeks red and ruddy from crying.

"After everything I put you through, and you're still so kind to me. I don't deserve you, Makko."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Could there have been anything else she had done that made her ashamed? No, he thought to himself. If she had given away jedi secrets or done something worse she would never have come back. Even at her lowest, Cora would never have betrayed them. He boxed up the thought as what it was: irrational.

He didn't have anything to say. Not at first. He tilted his head, moving it so that his cheek rubbed against the inside of her palm.

"You're strong and fragile at the same time," Makko said, voicing what he had discussed with her close friend. "It's not...it's not a case of deserving...it's like..."

He sighed and kissed her hand. This was hard.

"Belonging. I want us to belong to one another. Even when shit goes wrong and it hurts we can look after one another. And respect one another."

He stole a few words from her friend too. It was swiping with pride, not thievery, he decided.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora knew how difficult it was for Makko to voice how he felt sometimes. She too struggled just as much, but it was hidden behind eloquent words.

He was better a speaking plainly. It was the little things that made her heart swell - the way he tilted into her palm, the little kiss against her hand. Never had such small gestures sparked so much affection with anyone else.

She smiled, watery and on the verge of tears. Once upon a time, Cora and Makko had almost been too different to fit together - as evidenced by the number of fights they'd had in the time before her marriage.

Even when they'd shouted at one another, Makko had been there. They'd seen each other at their worst, beaten and broken. Cora had to remind herself that Makko was just as stubborn as she was.

"I think…we're all a little fragile." She murmured. One hand slipped down his face, ghosting along his own fingers before they laced together. Cora brought their twined hands to press against her heart.

"I belong to you Makko, as much as you belong to me. I'll be here if things go wrong, just as you always have for me."

Makko had known what happened on Thule months ago, but they hadn't spoken earnestly of the situation since then.

"Is there…anything you wanted to ask me? I'll try to answer it."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

There was going to be a time when he needed her. There were going to be times when he made mistakes. Makko could only hope that she would be there when it happened.

He canted his head to one side. He hadn't expected that offer. Makko frowned as he considered it.

"It's...it's good to not tiptoe around this. I'm glad I was ready to talk more now, when you needed it. I feel like...I'm glad you offered but any question would just be idle curiosity or invading your privacy. Well there was one thing you said...but yeah...same thing I guess. "

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora canted her head to the side.

“What thing?”

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"You mentioned a situation, but it's fine," Makko said.

"I'm hoping it wasn't like... But yeah..."Part of me sometimes feels like it wants to be angry or jealous. Curiosity doesn't help. I don't need to know everything."

Makko took a deep breath. He gave her hand a squeeze. He leaned forwards and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"I feel like I've run a few miles," he said.