Father and Mother,
I am sorry for the fear I have caused you, and I am sorry for the way I shut you out when you were only trying to help.I know you have all been carrying this with me from the moment I was brought back through the gates. I love you for that, and I love you for not giving up on me even when I made it impossible to reach me.
I need to leave, at least for now.
It may not be my fault that my friends died, but I cannot escape what it feels like. Every time I look at someone who knows me, I am reminded of it. When I go to the academy, I am reminded again, not through words, but through the looks on people's faces. They look at me like I am about to break, and maybe I am. I do not want to live inside that moment forever, and I do not want to make this house, or any of you, carry the weight of watching me unravel.
I love you all dearly, but I will be fine wherever I end up. I need to be somewhere I can breathe without hearing the plaza in my head, and somewhere I am not constantly measured against what happened. Tressa is gone. She said she needed a new start, and I understand her more than I can explain. Maybe I need one too.
I hope it is alright that I borrowed one of the speederbikes until I get on my feet. I will return it, or I will replace it, as soon as I am able. I am not leaving to punish anyone, and I am not leaving because I do not want you. I am leaving because I do, and because I cannot bear for my grief to keep hurting you.
Until our next meeting.
Your son,
Elian
P.S. Please tell Sibylla and Cassian that I love them.
