Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Welcome to Chaos - A silly podcast (Soon to be!)

JanesBatter

Zenith of Bakers
Letters have suddenly ceased working. Our top scientists are on the case to find out just how this is possible. All research has some to a null. We are suspicious that the scientists are blind, but hey, I'm just a writer. I cannot take on the responsibility of science break-through. More on this as discoveries are uncovered by our trusted "scientists."

Welcome to Chaos.

Today a few events have been marked down as a "you should know this if you're a bounty hunter" lable. One of our most favorite Senators, [member="Faith Balor-Organa"] is wanted alive for 150,000. [member="Maximo-925"] claims to pay this amount, with no further damage than the average broken bones. I quote from him, "All I can say is, good luck. You will be rewarded as promised."
Hmm. What a nice guy. Onto our next event.
A new Force sensitive is in our galaxy, readers, and it seems they are eager to hear about all that you can offer for Force training and Force-related friends. Just what is wonderful little Abbey Ainsley planning behind those shields of Sith and Jedi? I suppose we'll have to find out another time.
If you'd like to contact [member="Abbey Ainsley"], just give her a message. I was told by the woman herself, "I completely enjoy the attention. More, more! I must feed!" Of course it may not have been in that exact wording, but you get the point.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDlC9m1FDo4

Thrift Shop (Bart & Baker Electro Swing Remix) - Postmodern Jukebox
"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Dear readers, I regret to inform you all that during the duration of the music, our very own Michelle Lionlick has... disappeared, vanished from exsistance. I recall farther this morning just having a cup of coffee with them. Or was it hot chocolate? We stopped near the park just recently before the show, the one where mysterious happenings have been told and warned of. Oh, I love the park. At night it is told you can even hear the souls those of children playing years in the future.
I forgot what I was just talking about originally. Now to traffic.

We have very clear skies today here in Kashyyyk, as would be expected for a nature blossomed world where not many hints of technology have been set into ground. Good for them!

Wait a moment now readers, I have just got word from a local wookiee from a nearby village. It would appear there has been an explosion! My, what an exciting thing to hear about! Oh. Oh, I'm afraid it was in fact "not exciting", but rather quite tragic as their very own old wookiee of the wise perished. Let us have a quick moment to mourn and plot our revenge to sooth our greif.

Rest in peace, wookiee of the wise.

Before we end this story today, a small message has appeared on my holopad. Oh, it's from the scientists. It appears someone thought it would be funny to put eyepatches on everyone while they sleep. Oh, haha. Science humor.

Bzzzt. Help us! Pl- Bzzzt.

I cannot seem to erase that bit of lettering that just appeared on my screen, as I cannot to all of the things I type on here this very moment. Oh well.

That will conclude all the time I have for today, tomorrow... another story. When, where, and how? You don't need to ask so many questions.

Good night, Chaos. Good night.

(Feel free to submit new news down below. I seriously can't do this all by myself.)
 

Bhaltair Dhimani

A little Ruff can go a long way
[member="JanesBatter"]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGK8IC-bGnU

Here to join us are two esteemed guests: Bhaltair Dhimani and [member="Matthew Mar'Tin"]. Bhaltair is wearing a casual, purple dress shirt and brown slacks whilst Matthew is currently wearing his business suit and an eye patch over each eye. Bhaltair to lead off.

"Hello everyone and welcome to...whatever this is. I'm Bhaltair Dhimani and the blind man next to me wearing eye patches is Matthew Mar'Tin. We're here to...talk...about stuff." There was an awkward silence as Bhaltair looked down and started flipping through the half-assed script the studio had given him. Matthew tried breaking the ice.

"Well, it doesn't take these eye patches to make me blind." The two looked at each other and laughed for a couple of seconds before dropping the laughter and becoming serious again. Bhaltair looked up and then continued the podcast.

"Ah, yes. The letters have definitely stopped working. I can explain that. You see, gracious listeners, the writing and sending of letters was an ancient act that was partaken in full swing of before the trend of texting was invented. Back then, when Grandma gave you five dollars for your birthday, you sat down with a piece of wood that contained a graphite core and you spent a whole 15 minutes writing a sloppy, hard-to-read letter of fake thanks. After texting became the new thing, kids could now just call their grandparents, say "thanks" and then keep thinking up awkward conversation fillers before you "graciously let them go". Or, you could just take the money and not say thank you ever, just like all the kids decided to do...I should probably call my parents...."

"Anyhow, fast forward a few millennium and absolutely no one cares about the letter system anymore. No longer must we send the IRS a 3 dollar check for our federal deduction during tax season. Due to the long unused nature of the letter system, letters had to seek satisfaction elsewhere. That is why paper goes limp every time you try to touch it. That is why the ink remains dry as a bone. However, for only 63 cents a day, you can provide the necessary care for pen and paper that letters need. Call now and we'll double your offer."

Bhaltair looked to Matthew and said,

"And now, I pass the spotlight off to Mr. Mar'Tin." He then tried to cover his mouth and whisper to Matt, but the microphone still picked up his words.

"I'm done with this clown podcast. Do you know when they pay us? I have some creditors to get off my back, if you know what I'm saying..."
 
[member="JanesBatter"]

"Um, yes, I know what you're saying. Everyone listening does, too," replied Matthew. Bhaltair became very quiet, embarrassed and reserved after that.

"Anywho, that news about the letters was almost as shocking as the day I found out that Coruscant doesn't have a justice system at all. They just leave it in the hands of emotionally unbalanced men and women with too much power to do whatever they feel like doing. It ruined my career path until I was able to leave that terrible planet of a multi-billion population and find work out here in the rest of the galaxy."

He pulled the eye patches off his face and put his dark shades on in their place.

"Fun fact: eye patches weren't originally intended for sea goers that lost their eyes or for fashion. They were used so that a person could have one eye adjusted to the light above deck and then switch it to the other eye so they can be adjusted to the dimmer lighting below decks. Also, parrots don't exist. That's just a morbid myth and a lie, even."

"In other news, Mandalorians are baying for the blood of [member="Ali Hadrix"] like the hounds of war they are. Reports claim that she's directly to blame for the deaths of many innocent civilians even though such actions were carried out by her underlings. It's a good thing we burned those reports. Now, we can claim it was an inside job set up by the Mandalorians themselves. I mean, what are civilians doing in a hangar, anyway? You're not supposed to be eating or sleeping in there, sillies."

He then turned to Bhaltair Dhimani and said,

"We're not actually getting paid for this. This is a volunteer gig."

Bhaltair grabbed at the studio headphone and mic set he was supposed to be wearing and chucked them at the far wall. He then got up and walked to the door, but not before yelling loud enough for everyone to hear.

"I'm leaving! Actually, no! I'm getting angry right now! Let's see how the producers like it when I'm angry!..." With that, he left and slammed the door shut behind him. A couple seconds later, the door opened again and Bhaltair poked his face in and pointed his now green finger at Matthew. "...It's a joke, because they're not going to like me when I'm angry! You can laugh now!" He slammed the door and left for real this time. Extremely loud footsteps and the sound of something big bumping and knocking into the hallway walls outside could be heard.

Matthew sat there in the quiet, dumbfounded as to what to say. He then spoke up with,

"This just in: Bhaltair Dhimani is annoying. This is Matthew Mar'Tin signing off."
 

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