A short while ago I was reading through a suggestion that I felt was a good idea - really, it was. But the more I read into it the faster I found myself slowly thinking of ways I'd be getting by my enemies, coordinating with "allies", and eventually spreading one big spray of color across the map and manipulating it how I see fit, or at least close to it.

It felt horrible.

So I spoke out as the devil's advocate for the idea, brought up some really big issues with it, and then the idea was made better, sort of negating one of the only issues I could think of with it that would really result in abuse by people other than me. But as I thought about it I found myself thinking of ways around that little addendum and that horrible sinking feeling came right back to me. So I pressed on, a little harder, and right away got notified that I was being a bit tough. I feel they were probably telling me this as nicely and politely as possible because they probably didn't feel like I was conveying my message as best I could.

Then I saw a response after things seemed to be simmering down that was a big red flag - there were other people like me, something I really hoped wasn't the case (whether it be because I hoped to be the only one with eyes for a bigger plan or just because I felt bad about it, I don't know) - and I felt the only way to really derail the suggestion, something I didn't really want to do because it was a good idea, was to throw myself under the bus. I called myself out, not as a hypothetical example but as the real deal, as a manipulative xealonera (Look up a sith to basic translator, plug that one in).

I immediately knew I was going to get all kinds of judgement and whatever, but I felt in the grand scheme of things that if it meant I would stop what I felt was going to happen from happening it was the right thing to do. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. I don't know for sure, but I've probably committed social suicide. I'm sure anyone reading this probably is rolling their eyes now. But the response to my post was of injury, and that was not alright. Not only did I out myself as a schutta, but I've probably insulted someone else too. I apologized, but I'm not sure if my words meant anything after that really glaring self-hate post I made before that. So yeah, I'm an attention-bleep, a manipulative whatever, and all kinds of meanness, but I don't like to go out of my way to insult people and make them feel uncomfortable being on the board.

So I'm sorry and I apologize, I never meant to come off that way. I don't blame you if you don't forgive me, but it isn't okay for me to make anyone feel uncomfortable putting an idea out on the board.